MONDAY, MARCH 27 Note to the soon-to-be-giving-birth Katie Holmes: SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH. That's the inferred instructions from those wacky Scientologists, who believe than any loud wailing or moaning during the birth process can traumatize the child (or annoy an important movie star like Tom Cruise). In fact, some Scientologist pals were spotted carrying large signs into TomKat's home, which are obviously intended to remind the former Dawson's Crackpot to shut her big yap during childbirth. The placards read, "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable." What's next? A ball gag? And yet, Tom still denies that a silent childbirth isn't the most fucking stupid thing anyone has ever heard of. "There have been misinterpretations that the woman can't make any noise, and that's just not true... just calm and quiet," said toothy Tom. Actually, the placards do say, "Be silent" which is a far cry from "calm and quiet." It's also been reported by the Herald Sun that Katie will also have "to refuse painkillers, and can expect few words of comfort because those at the birth are also expected to be quiet." Fine. So maybe Tom can start NOW?

TUESDAY, MARCH 28 Speaking of people who should never have babies... the aging star of Basic Instinct 2, Sharon Stone has some succinct words of advice for today's teens: Practice more oral sex! According to my favorite-named gossip site, Tittle-Tattle™, Stone believes that teens should be ready to engage in oral sex if it will prevent an aggressive person from pushing them into intercourse. Says Sharon, "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blowjob. I'm not embarrassed to tell them." You know, that advice could work in so many uncomfortable situations. For example, instead of sending back an undercooked steak, offer a blowjob. Or if your boss asks you to work late at the office, but you're going to miss a dinner date with your boyfriend, offer a blowjob. To both of them. Now, if you'll excuse us, hubby Kip wants me to clean out our shoe closet. Guess what he's getting tonight? Thanks, Sharon!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29 It's one thing to be accused of being a co-conspirator to the 9/11 attacks, but quite another to be called a lying faker with all the street cred of Kevin Federline—by your own defense attorneys! And yet, that's what Zacarias Moussaoui had to put up with this week in a trial. which could lead to life imprisonment or the death penalty. Moussaoui is currently the only person charged in the September 11 hijacking plot—and both the prosecution and defense have portrayed him as a liar. Federal Prosecutor David Raskin said that Moussaoui, who was in jail on September 11, is just as responsible for the deaths of 3,000 people because he lied and concealed information. On the other hand, according to Moussaoui's own defense attorneys, "he is now trying to write a role for himself in history [by claiming he was meant to fly a plane into the White House] while the truth is he is an al Qaeda hanger-on and a nuisance." Ouch. If the judge adds a charge of "hurt feelings" to Moussaoui, consider him guilty as charged.

THURSDAY, MARCH 30 Former supermodel Naomi Campbell catwalked her way into yet another police station today, after being charged with second-degree assault after allegedly clocking her former housekeeper in the head with a cell phone. Apparently, the two got into a dust-up over some missing items (including a $200 pair of Chip and Pepper Jeans), leading Naomi to reportedly let her cell phone do the talking. For those with halfway decent memories, Naomi has been around this track a number of times, being accused of slapping her former maid, hitting her former personal assistant over the head with a telephone—TWICE—and bashing her former administrative assistant with a telephone and then taking her captive. Naomi denies the latest charges, and we think she's telling the truth! In almost every other case, she hits her people with heavy phones, not puny cellular devices. When Naomi hits her servants—they stay hit!

FRIDAY, MARCH 31 We have to admit we had some concerns about Gwyneth Paltrow's first pregnancy. It was the hair—her perfect platinum locks had no roots. She was clearly coloring while pregnant. We gave her the benefit of the doubt at first—but as that bump eased into the second and third trimester, we were stunned. Hair dye, as all readers of conspiracy-minded pregnancy websites know, is one of those amorphous possibly-harmful-to-the-fetus-so-ideally-should-be-avoided-even-though-it's-probably-perfectly-safe hazards. Like kitty litter. Now Gwyn has done it again, reportedly eating sushi and drinking beer while five months pregnant with her second child. Sushi AND beer? Why not just stick a fork in your vagina, wiggle it around and get it over with? Gwyn was eating with hubby Chris Martin at the NYC sushi bar Cube 63 where Paltrow ordered a salad (good girl) and what appeared to be sushi (GOOD GOD, GWYN, DON'T DO IT!). Chris left Gwyn at the restaurant gobbling the raw, bacteria-filled baby poison to pick up several bottles of Guinness and when he returned, those aghast onlookers were forced to watch while Gwyn, with no concern whatsoever for the health of her fetus, sucked down a bottle of Ireland's finest. According to one intrepid citizen, "People were looking and waving, and she just tried to melt further into the corner." Well, maybe they should have waved harder. For the record, Gwyn's reps cop to the beer, but deny the sushi.

SATURDAY, APRIL 1 Well, the boring documentary people have finally outsmarted us. They've gotten Brad Pitt to narrate a new environmentally friendly architecture show on PBS. The six-part series, called Design: E2, is scheduled to air in June and will spotlight global efforts to build environmentally friendly structures through sustainable architecture and design. Doesn't that sound fascinating? Did we mention that Brad Pitt is narrating? Did we mention that he'll be totally naked? This new interest in architecture coincides with Brad's trip this week to the Dominican Republic where he and the "missus" are reportedly scouting real estate. Brad met with German architects Lars Kruckeberg and Wolfram Putz at a hotel in the capital's colonial district. Hans and Franz have already refurbished Brad and Angie's house in LA and are now apparently in planning stages for the new child-friendly earth palace. Sob! Why do all the best celebrities leave?

SUNDAY, APRIL 2 At least the glitterati have one person in their corner: self-appointed president of the Society for the Protection of Celebrities George Clooney. Now George has announced a jihad against Specifically, he's annoyed with the site's "Gawker Stalker" page, which encourages people to email celebrity sightings, which are then posted along with a handy map of New York City. Clooney seems to think that Gawker Stalker might be used to—hmm, what's the word?—"stalk" someone. His solution? He's asked that the Clooney Army (always battle ready) deluge Gawker with fake sightings, overwhelming their system as well as diluting their celeb-spotting credibility. The army responded and the site was flooded with hundreds of sightings of (who else?) George Clooney. Including this one: "George Clooney has been sighted in Portland, Oregon! He was walking downtown by the Schnitzer Concert Hall and was wearing jeans with a hole in the knee (guess business isn't too good!) and a long-sleeved gray/blue shirt." We were halfway to the Schnitz before we remembered that it wasn't true. Want to do your part for our nation's beleaguered celebrity class? Go to Do it for George. Or he'll move to the Dominican Republic.