MONDAY, APRIL 17 Teen queen Lindsay Lohan? You are a MONSTER. What else do you call someone who would purposefully make Jessica Simpson cry? Here's the poopy scoop according to Lindsay spotted Jessica and pal Brett Ratner at LA's trendy Dime club and sent over a round of drinks. However, when Jess neglected to thank Lindy for the libations, the redhead went all Mean Girls on her ass. According to an onlooker, "Lindsay said, 'What's the matter? When your sister is around, you can talk shit about me, but now that Ashlee's not here, what are you going to do? C'mon! I'm 19 and you're 25. Say something, you coward!'" Understandably, it's hard to say something when you're sobbing uncontrollably—however, she did muster up the courage to ask Lindsay not to "cause a scene." That was mistake number two. Said the snoop, "Lindsay said, 'Let's go outside then, you and me. Alone. I'm not causing a scene. You think I care? Step outside! Let's go!'" Eventually Lindy stomped off in a huff, leaving Jess bawling into her buffalo wings. While it might have been fun to watch Lindsay slapping the acne off Jessica's face, remember: Violence is never the answer. (Besides, attacking Jessica Simpson is like beating up a Special Olympics bronze medal winner.)

TUESDAY, APRIL 18 In case you've been in a self-induced coma for the last week (and who could blame you?), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their baby today. The bouncing baby girl weighed in at 7 pounds, 7 ounces and is named "Suri"—which has been reported to mean anything from "Princess" in Hebrew, "Red Rose" in Persian, "Pickpocket" in Japanese, or a bastardization of Surrey, England where Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard lived. Apparently, the name Emperor Klaktu of the planet Zinthflog was already taken. Hilariously, Brooke Shields (who famously battled Cruise over the use of postpartum drugs) had her baby at the same time, in the same hospital, and on the same floor. She was the one yelling "HYPOCRITE!" through the wall when Katie started screaming for her epidural. No one knows the name of Brooke's baby, and frankly, no one cares. Meanwhile, the Cruise family is now back at their mansion resting comfortably, awaiting the order from Emperor Klaktu to throw their baby in a volcano. ALL HAIL EMPEROR KLAKTU!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19 When the cigar-chomping muckety-mucks here at the Mercury wonder why they are unable to sell more newspapers, we offer them a very simple explanation: You don't have headlines like this on the cover. "BRITNEY'S BABY BRAIN DAMAGE NIGHTMARE!" Sounds like a Ramones song, doesn't it? According to the National Enquirer—who plastered the previous headline on this week's issue—Britney is petrified that baby Sean Preston could suffer from long-term brain damage. Mmmm... no shit, Sherlock. Kevin Federline is his father, after all. Wait... what's that? Oh, we get it. It seems that Britney is afraid of brain damage after all the times the baby has been dropped on its head. (Yeah, but having K.Fed as your pop doesn't help!) Besides the recent incident where S.Pres tumbled out of his highchair, the Enquirer has alleged that the baby has taken a header off the bed—TWICE. "Fortunately the floor in Britney and Kevin's bedroom is carpeted, and the baby was frightened but uninjured," says a snoopy spy. "But two weeks later, the same scary thing happened again. Britney woke to find the little guy face down on the floor, crying his heart out." That's not brain damage—that's an escape plan gone awry. Maybe TomKat and Emperor Klaktu have room for one more?

THURSDAY, APRIL 20 According to the Energy Information Administration, the national average for gas prices could hit a whopping $3 per gallon this year. Tom Cruise and his fellow Scientologists have promised to do their part, by taking their bicycles to the grocery store instead of Emperor Klaktu's Imperial Star Fleet. Considerate!

FRIDAY, APRIL 21 Hookers. Gambling. Porn. Quick—who's the first celeb that comes to mind? WRONG! The answer is Charlie Sheen. Remember when he was just the adorable bad boy at the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Then remember when he was in Platoon and for a minute people thought he could act? And then, remember how he got caught up in the whole Heidi Fleiss sitch and it turned out he was a coked-up hooker addict? And then, remember, he married Denise Richards and cleaned himself up and had a kid and a TV comeback? Well, now they're divorcing and it turns out—according to Denise—Charlie is still a big hooker-loving, porn-watching, prescription-drug-addicted, gambling jackass. In documents filed in court today, Denise alleges that Charlie threatened to kill her, and that she caught him visiting websites featuring girls with pigtails and braces and NO PUBIC HAIR getting all lick-y with one another—you know, DOWN THERE. Denise was also put out by the fact that Charlie was checking in on a sports bet as she was being wheeled in for her C-section. Then she found out he was seeing hookers AGAIN. She forgave the first 15 hookers, but the 16th? THAT was pushing it. We're like that with coasters. Hubby Kip? You've been warned. Put your microbrew on the leather end table sans protection one more time, and you can kiss this marriage good-bye. We feel your pain, Denise. MEN! They just don't listen!

SATURDAY, APRIL 22 Graft. Injustice. Greed. Makes you think of... Too many choices, huh? Well, in this case we're thinking of Hurricane Katrina. Everyone knows that no-bid contracts and cronyism led to big contracts with companies that did next to nothing, as well as those ill-advised government-shopping sprees (remember the thousands of trailers still sitting in Arkansas?). Now FEMA is finally cracking the whip and demanding that some of that storm mad money be given back. But instead of going after the government contractors who were given millions and millions for questionable purposes, they're going after their old enemy: storm victims. Yep. 2,044 greedy storm victims who cleverly transformed the loss of their homes, joys, and loved ones into a big payday have been told that they have to repay a total $4.7 million within 30 days or set up a payment plan. It turns out some of these so-called victims may have received duplicate checks, or insurance reimbursements, or may have even engaged in "intentional misrepresentation." We've got cousins in New Orleans, so we're the first to admit that the residents of that city are a bunch of stuck-up cheats who are capable of the worst crimes—including kissing someone at camp that they know for a fact someone else is interested in. But then again, they also lost all their grandmothers. So maybe we should cut 'em a little slack, okay?

SUNDAY, APRIL 23 We were going to have a really juicy bit of gossip about Brad and Angie here. But they've issued a statement to the press "kindly asking" for privacy. Jeez, you guys. We had no idea you wanted privacy! Why didn't you say something earlier? Just ignore us. We were never here. Shhhh.