MONDAY, JULY 30 It's official: It is physically IMPOSSIBLE for Britney Spears to stay out of trouble. Now for most, a divorce being finalized (such as the case was today for Britney and K.Fed) would be the most traumatic thing to happen on a Monday. For Britney, it's simply the tip of the weekly iceberg. Der Britta made the cover of not one, but TWO national gossip rags this week, when both Us Weekly and In Touch ran a picture of her sons Sean Preston (22 months) and Jayden (11 months) with the banner, "HELP!"—as if the toddlers were pleading for rescue from their dingbat mom. (Considering their hillbilly genes, it wouldn't surprise us if the kids were unable to fathom 911.) Why are they screaming for help? Obviously, DENTAL PROBLEMS. According to a family insider, baby Sean is on the gingivitis fast track, thanks to Britney. "[Sean's] having dental problems because Britney just shoves a bottle of juice in his mouth all the time to stop him from crying," the insider notes. Another source claims that in April, Spears asked "an LA dentist if he would whiten her kid's teeth!" Apparently, there's at least one LA professional with a soul, because he refused. Britney, stop worrying about your kids' teeth. They're going to fall out anyway! Are we right, people? Are we right? High five! MEANWHILE... It's not just the brown, corroded teeth of Britney's brood that better watch out—because Spears has declared yet another war on the paparazzi! "I am going to kill you," she screamed as she threw a baby bottle (filled with Coca-Cola and Pixie Stix, no doubt) at paparazzo Kyle Henderson, "I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" The incident went down outside a Vegas spa, as another paparazzo Andrew Deetz approached and was allegedly shoved into a wall by one of Brit's bodyguards. According to onsite sources, after dispatching the photog with a baby bottle, Brit then gave Deetz some legal advice saying he should get a restraining order against her, because she was going to kill him or hire someone that would. OOH! OOH! We hear Kevin Federline's looking for a job!

TUESDAY, JULY 31 Speaking of an inability to stay out of trouble, Lindsay Lohan is still off the grid, hiding out in an undisclosed California rehab (snoops surmise Betty Ford), after commandeering an SUV last week to chase down and terrorize the mother of her former personal assistant. (Look... it's really too hard to explain. Just take our word for it, hmmm?) Suffice it to say, the young men in the SUV that she kidnapped are now planning on pressing charges instead of thanking her for giving them a potential blockbuster screenplay. This is Hollywood, after all. However, if there's one group in Tinsel Turd you don't want mad at you, it's famed fashion house, Louis Vuitton. The world-famous design company lent Lohan some absolutely stunning gowns for her Elle magazine shoot, and how did she repay them? By stealing them. Says a snoopy spy to Page Six, "Lindsay kept shoving the clothes into her bag, and a stylist's assistant kept getting them out of the bag, only to have Lindsay keep trying to take them. She ended up walking off with a very expensive shirt and some other items—which screwed Louis Vuitton because they were set to go to Vogue, W, and Harper's Bazaar for other shoots." That's right, Lindsay. You BETTER stay hidden. Because nobody screws Louis Vuitton! (They have the most fashionable concrete shoes in the business.)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1 As bridges collapse in Minneapolis, so does the once perfect union of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (AKA "Brangelina" or if you prefer, "Pittolie"). Life & Style Weekly claim the genetically enhanced twosome have been bickering over politics (ZZZZZZZZ!!!) instead of having hot, genetically enhanced sex, and according to an insider, "Brad ended up calling her immature. He says the next thing he knew, Angie was cursing at him and throwing a glass of wine in his face." Well... okay. That's kind of hot. Unfortunately, the story does not go on to say if she then ripped Brad's shirt off, exposing his glistening, rock-hard pecs. Ahem. Excuse us while we run home and pick a fight with Hubby Kip about Barack Obama.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 2 According to Page Six, rocker Marilyn Manson allegedly spends much of his bands' earnings on "sick and disturbing purchases of Nazi memorabilia and taxidermy (including the skeleton of a young Chinese girl)." And here we thought Hubby Kip's plastic Star Wars toys were creepy. MEANWHILE... Speaking of something nearly as gruesome as the skeleton of a young Chinese girl, actor/Scientologist nutbag Tom Cruise and brainwashed wifey Katie Holmes are threatening to pose for a magazine together... in the NUDE. According to a source talking to New Weekly Australia magazine, "One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam. Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry. They want to show the world how much." Of course they've got chemistry. Isn't that how artificial insemination works? Bah-dum-DUM! Thank YOU! We'll be here all week.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3 Ving Rhames' dogs killed a man today, mauling him in the actor's Los Angeles home. The 40-year-old man was responsible for taking care of the Pulp Fiction actor's dogs, including at least three bull mastiffs and one English bulldog. Or, rather, he was responsible for the dogs—until he was found dead in Rhames' front yard covered with dog bites. While authorities don't know what caused the attack, their working thesis is that the victim told the dogs about Rhames' role in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, at which point the dogs did what any rational creature would do—fly into a furious, uncontrollable rage.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 4 Lindsay Lohan's latest gift to us gossip hounds? An interview she conducted with Elle magazine... the day before her latest DUI! (And yes, now that you mention it, they did ask her about drunken driving! "I'm much more responsible than that," Linds said. "I would not do that." O, sweet irony!) When asked about the constant media attention, LiLo whined, "I feel like I'm distracting from other things that are important, like global warming and that kind of stuff. I genuinely mean that. And I don't know what to do." Well, Lindsay, here's a tip: If you want witty, sexy, sharp-as-a-tack gossip columnists to stop paying attention to you, try holding off on telling Elle things like this: "I just want to be nominated for an award for all the work I've done... people forget that I played two characters in Parent Trap when I was 12 years old." Oh, of course, dear! If you ask us, you deserve two Oscars! We'll dash off a memo to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences immediately.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5 Enough about dog maulings and drunks—let's get to some REAL news, like global warming and that kind of stuff! Let's start with a knee-slapper of a snafu by the Pentagon: Thirty percent of the weapons that the United States gave to Iraqi forces are missing—meaning there are about 190,000 AK-47s floating around somewhere in Iraq, no doubt in very trustworthy people's hands. MEANWHILE... Today Iraqis found "60 decomposed bodies" north of Baghdad, a region where sectarian violence has been growing. MEANWHILE... Yesterday President Bush signed a bill that allows spy agencies like to tap phones... without court warrants. Despite critics' concerns about pesky things like "privacy" and "freedom of speech," the bill easily passed the House and Senate (thanks, Democrats!) before getting signed by Bush. So if today's news wasn't cheery enough for you, take comfort in the fact that you're probably under surveillance right this very moment. Turn around and say, "Hi Mom!"