MONDAY, MAY 1 It can take normal people years to learn the life lessons they need to survive in the world—but when you're a young and popular Hollywood starlet, who has that kind of time? There's cocaine to toot! Cars to crash! And STDs to contract. (And that's just if you're Paris Hilton.) You need to learn your lessons NOW. And this week Lindsay Lohan learned a very valuable lesson indeed: Never walk into your boyfriend's bedroom when he's boinking his actual girlfriend. It seems Lindsay made this boo-boo while paying an impromptu visit to her 37-year-old "friend," director Brett Ratner (who gave LL a key to his mansion). Stumbling into his bedroom, she was shocked to find Ratner in mid-coitus with his actual girlfriend, Romanian model Alina Puscau. (How do we know she's the actual girlfriend? She's the one wearing a "promise ring." As in "I promise not to fuck around on you today.") Anyway, according to a waggy-tongued source, the poop really hit the fan! "Alina jumped out of bed and went ballistic," the source said. "[Lindsay and Alina] started screaming at each other and took the fight first into the living room and then out to the driveway while Brett hid in the bedroom. Lindsay said she could get Alina deported and left." And Lindsay's not fooling about this deportation thing either! We hear President Bush has asked her to patrol the Mexican border! MEANWHILE... Damn, Lindsay moves fast! Later this same day we learned from that Lohan has already moved on... to Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos (yes, the same Prince Charming who allegedly paid a homeless man $100 to dump a soda pop on his own head). Lindsay and Stavros were reportedly seen "sipping cocktails and dirty dancing," at LA's hot club Element. Says the source, "Lindsay was all over Stavros. At one point, he had his hand up her skirt!" (Maybe he was looking for the key to Brett Ratner's mansion?)

TUESDAY, MAY 2 The reviews are in for comedian Steven Colbert's blisteringly pointed performance at last night's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner—and unsurprisingly, the people who Colbert was making fun of (the president and the White House press) didn't think he was very funny. (Check out the entire transcript at Colbert—who stars in The Colbert Report on Comedy Central, which is a send-up of right-wing Fox News pundits—particularly irked the Washington Post's Richard Cohen, who noted that, "Colbert was not just a failure as a comedian but rude [to the president]. [Rudeness] is not the same as gutsy or thinking outside the box. Self-mockery can be funny. Mockery that is insulting is not. This is why Colbert was more than rude. He was a bully." Yeah! Mocking President Bush is like making fun of a retarded person—except retarded people are rarely responsible for the deaths of nearly 39,000 Iraqi civilians.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 3 Once again Tom Cruise has narrowly avoided causing widespread panic. In anticipation of his new film, Mission: Impossible III, the studio placed 4,500 digital music players in Los Angeles Times newspaper boxes, which were supposed to play the Mission: Impossible theme when the paper racks were opened. Unfortunately, in at least one case, the player was mistaken for a bomb, prompting the arrival of the local police and their explosives team, who without further ado isolated and blew up the box. "With the wires leading to the micro-switch on the news rack doors, I can easily see how someone might have misconstrued it as an improvised explosive device," said LA County Sheriff's Sergeant Mike La Perruque. Just so our readers know, the Mercury would never put something so potentially terrifying in our newspaper boxes—unless you count the paper itself, or a bunch of AOL CDs.

THURSDAY, MAY 4 It was rumored this week by multiple sources that former pop queen Britney Spears will be producing more crotchfruit—no, not crabs... a baby! And how did deadbeat hubby Kevin Federline celebrate this news? According to Us Weekly, by admitting in a radio interview that he would like to have a three-way with Britney and hot film siren Jessica Alba. What a romantic! That's exactly what a newly pregnant woman wants to hear—that your husband needs yet another insanely famous, rich, and beautiful woman in his bed to be satisfied. However, it is hard to imagine having a three-way with Jessica Alba when she can't stop retching.

FRIDAY, MAY 5 Hold onto to your Porter Goss decoder rings, kids—the CIA director resigned today and those rings are about to get valuable. President Bush made the surprise resignation announcement after a surprise announcement announcing that there would soon be a surprise announcement. (We don't know about you, but the suspense was killing us.) Goss has been in the post less than two years. So, why resign? CIA sources poo-pooed suggestions that Goss' resignation was tied to a controversy surrounding defense contractor Brent Wilkes, who happens to be a longtime pal of the CIA's number-three guy, executive director Kyle "Dusty" Foggo. The FBI is investigating whether Wilkes provided hookers, limos, and hotel suites to a California congressman who pleaded guilty to taking bribes from Wilkes and others in exchange for government contracts. Rumor has it that Goss may have attended some poker games at the Watergate with Wilkes and Dusty, where some of these bribes (Tiffani, Destini, Candi) may have been proffered. It had to be the Watergate, didn't it? It's like these people want to be caught!

SATURDAY, MAY 6 And speaking of desperate cries for attention... isn't anyone going to rescue illusionist David Blaine? He's been submerged in water all week, breathing through a tube, peeing through a condom catheter that feeds into his fishbowl water, and surviving on liquid nutrients, while New Yorkers bring their kids by to wave and tap on his tank. Every day the poor guy releases some new detail of his physical decline: peeling hands, sleep deprivation, atrophied muscles, pain akin to "constant pins and needles." Do any of us raise a finger to help? No. Clearly this guy has a rescue complex. Why else would he keep putting himself in jeopardy? He wants someone to save him. Anyone. And no one ever does. Now he's got to go through with his promise to hold his breath for nine minutes while wiggling out of heavy chains and bursting out of his aquarium, or ABC will want their money back. He was sure that someone would help him before it came to that. Nine minutes? That's insane. Doesn't anyone in New York have a tire iron?

SUNDAY, MAY 7 Maybe you all aren't as heartless as we thought. The American viewing public surprised Hollywood this weekend by letting the fact that Tom Cruise is a fanatical anti-pharmacology nut, cultist kidnapper impact their desire to see him in a movie. Mission: Impossible III debuted with $48.025 million (and 38 cents), a solid opening—yet well below industry expectations, and almost $10 million lower than Mission: Impossible II. Hollywood, which has a long history of convincing Americans to overlook the personal lives of celebrities when making entertainment choices (Michael Jackson comes to mind), is maintaining that Americans don't care that Tom has drugged and kidnapped Katie (sorry, Kate) Holmes, artificially inseminated her, forced her to deliver a baby without screaming, and is now holding her against her will. According to them, we're all planning on seeing M:I III on Wednesday. Save us a seat!