MONDAY, MAY 8 We hope this paper comes equipped with standard airbags—because you are about to have a head on collision with the hottest gossip from Hollyweird! News flash—someone has stolen pop star Ashlee Simpson's nose, and apparently she couldn't care less. In a possible bid to usurp the throne of big sis Jessica Simpson, Ashlee has grown out her hair, dyed it blonde, and... what else is different about her? Oh, yes—LOPPED OFF AROUND SEVEN INCHES OF HER NOSE. How do we know? Well, for one thing she no longer has to wear a neck brace to help support her 25-pound honker. Another giveaway is the "before and after photos" (which you can peep at the Mercury's Blog Town, PDX site—portlandmercury.com/blogtown) that clearly show Ashlee sporting a nip and tucked snoot, as opposed to the banana sitting on her face in previous pix. But when bluntly asked if she's had any recent plastic surgery, Ashlee merely giggled, and said, "Maybe... who knows!" Well, if someone knocked you unconscious and cut off half your face... one would think you'd at least be suspicious. MEANWHILE... Waterlogged illusionist David Blaine finally crawled out of the fishbowl he's been sitting in for the last week—but not before attempting and ultimately FAILING to break the world record for holding one's breath under water. The magician fell short of the nine-minute record, staying under for only seven minutes and eight seconds. (SISSY!) He emerged from the bowl in tears, thanking the crowd for their support. (What was he going to do if he didn't get any support? HOLD HIS BREATH? He can't even do that right!)
TUESDAY, MAY 9 Tonight on Late Show with David Letterman, fallen pop queen Britney Spears made a surprise appearance to make a surprise announcement: OMIGOD, SHE'S PREGNANT AGAIN. Apparently, she's under the mistaken impression that America is happy for her, and doesn't realize that while having one baby with Kevin Federline is considered a misfortune, having a second is just plain idiocy. Let's be honest—if its quality sperm Britney needs, why on earth would you choose K.Fed's? That's like searching for a pearl in a bean burrito from Plaid Pantry. Now, George Clooney's sperm? THAT'S high-quality sperm. And if the gossip tabs are to be believed, perhaps that's who Britney will be pursuing next. According to Britain's The Sun, the Britta would do practically anything to star in a movie with the handsome Clooney—including nude scenes. Said Britney, "I'd like to do something with George Clooney. He's pretty cute, but don't tell my husband. Yes, I would go nude. And I'd love to play a superhero." Well, keep having babies and the only hero you're going to play is "The Human Stretch Mark." SNAP! Burrrrrrrn.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 10 Were you hearing the voices of aliens in your head today? DON'T PANIC. Celebrity Scientologists Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were within 200 miles of Portland today, in Aberdeen, Washington! The new parents were visiting the tiny logging town to attend a screening of Mission: Impossible III with the winner of an online trivia contest winner, Kevin McCoy—a 27-year-old Wal-Mart employee. A screaming crowd, a red carpet (borrowed from Seattle), and a marching band was provided—although a "couch jumping contest" was cancelled, because the studios "felt it reflected poorly on Tom's image," according to a representative from Selmer's Home Furnishings. Overall, the response from Aberdonians was a warm one, with 19-year-old Roxanne Lingnau calling it, "the coolest thing to ever happen to this town." Former Aberdeen native and Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain disagreed, expressing his displeasure by shooting his face off a second time.
THURSDAY, MAY 11 The president's approval ratings took yet ANOTHER dip this week, tumbling to a record low 22 percent. And it was quite possibly because of the USA Today story that reported the National Security Agency has been secretly collecting the records of phone calls placed by millions of everyday Americans. When asked to explain this unnerving revelation, Bush attempted to sooth our fears with his patented talent of deflection. "The government does not listen to domestic phone calls without approval," he told an angry Congress. OHHHH! See? They're not listening to the calls; they're just collecting them. Kind of like our hubby Kip's Star Wars dolls. He's a "collector" and never, ever stages "The Battle of Endor" in the middle of our living room floor.
FRIDAY, MAY 12 Former '80s pop sensation George Michael fell asleep behind the wheel again this week! He must be working really long, hard hours, huh? According to witnesses, GM dozed off at a traffic light in London, which changed four times before another driver tapped on his window and woke him up. (Isn't that civilized? In the States, his car would have been set on fire after the second light change.) The gentleman tapper told British newspaper News of the World, "He was sweating heavily and had his iPod on. That's probably why he didn't hear all the angry tooting behind him. He got going again but was weaving all over the place. Then he hit a bollard. I doubt he even noticed it. He looked wasted. He just drove on." We know exactly what you're thinking. What the hell is a bollard?
(1) Nautical: A thick post on a ship or wharf, used for securing ropes and hawsers.
(2) Chiefly British: One of a series of posts preventing vehicles from entering an area.
Next week: We explore the history of cricket!
SATURDAY, MAY 13 Have you seen a picture of Senator John McCain lately? His waddle has grown to ginormous proportions! It's like a pocket. He could keep his keys and a gun in there. And that's not the worst of it. McCain is using his waddle to court the religious right! Religious extremists LOVE waddles. Exhibit one: Jerry Falwell. That man's waddle is the size of our foot. McCain joined Falwell at the commencement ceremony at Liberty University, an institution whose mission is "to produce Christ-centered men and women with the values, knowledge, and skills required to impact tomorrow's world." Neat-o! We've always wanted to live in a theocracy. How exciting that McCain is getting his Christ on! Two more years until 2008, Johnny. That's a lot of Baptist babies to kiss. But hey, if you get the wing nuts to vote for you, you don't need the reasonable people! And it's a good thing. Because the reasonable people do not find waddles attractive at all.
SUNDAY, MAY 14 The National Guard finally got some good news today. It seems that President Bush is planning on sending some lucky soldiers to help secure the Mexican border. Can you imagine drawing that gig? "Oh, you're going to Iraq for a year! Dude. That's harsh. Me? I'm going to Laredo!" Bush is thinking the Guard could be used as a temporary measure while the Border Patrol finishes rolling out 2,000 miles of duct tape and nailing up signs warning that everything north of the line is "lava." Some folks—like Mexicans—are concerned that have soldiers stationed at our border might, we don't know, militarize it. But Bush, who is an amigo to all Mexicans—all long as they speak and sing in English and/or have a wicked curveball—says the soldiers will only be there in a supportive capacity and won't really do anything at all. (Again, a nice tour, compared to Fallujah.) But then, he is the president, so he must have thought this through, right?