MONDAY, JUNE 5 Dazed? Confused? Don't worry—like the rest of the world, you're still reeling from Memorial Day weekend's birth of Christ... umm, we mean Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. The genetically perfect girl sprang to life via the sperm of Brad Pitt and loins of Angelina Jolie last weekend, and across the globe, people are still experiencing extreme bouts of anxiety—fearing that the baby will be SO extraordinarily beautiful, they will have little choice but to fall down on their knees and worship it. And while the paparazzi have been fighting Namibian officials tooth and nail to snag the first pix of the Christ child, Brangelina has screwed them again by releasing their OWN photos of Shiloh and selling them to the highest bidder—for charity, of course. SNORE. MEANWHILE... Speaking of cashing in, tongues around Hollyweird have been wagging about a prenup which has allegedly been agreed upon by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (and probably the Church of Scientology, as well). According to Life & Style Weekly, the couple has signed off on a pre-marriage agreement that will give Holmes up to $33 million if she can manage to remain married to Cruise for 11 years. If she can make it longer, California law kicks in and she's entitled to half of everything Tom owns—which includes the entire planet of Klakatu. Sweet.
TUESDAY, JUNE 6 Media vampires People magazine and Hello! went kind of apeshit today when they discovered that the extremely expensive pix of Brangelina and baby Shiloh were leaked onto the internet. Hot gossip sites OhNoTheyDidn't! and Defamer.com were first to post the pictures, which were instantly copied and put up on other shameless blogs such as our own Blog Town, PDX (see what you're missing when you're not tuning into portlandmercury.com every single day?). "We were very shocked and horrified to see that this embargo had been breached," said a very confusing Juliet Herd, feature editor of Hello! When asked what the fuck she was talking about, she replied, "Hello! is taking legal action around the world to stop internet sites and everyone else who may seek to publish [the pictures]." Ohhh... so that's what she meant. How about speaking English, limey? Anyway, the Mercury hasn't been sued yet, so it looks like our readers will have to put up with us for another week. But let us say this about those pictures: For a baby who is reportedly the combination of the two most genetically perfect individuals in the world, Shiloh is... ohh... how shall we put this? Mmmmm... HOMELY. Okay, she's not homely, but she is kind of underwhelming. Think we're being mean? Well, she is the daughter of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for Christ's sake! Get that kid some collagen implants and Botox, stat!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7 In annoying political news, the senate struck down President Bush's ridiculously stupid idea to add an amendment to the constitution that would ban same-sex marriage. Why now? Take a look at Bush's plummeting approval rating. The only supporters he can count on are those fucking idiots in the suburbs who still have "One Man/One Woman" stickers on the bumpers of their SUVs. Or as Democratic Minority Leader Harry Reid put it, "The reason the Senate Republicans are pushing this marriage amendment is because they don't want to address the real issues of this country." That's right! And another reason is because they couldn't get enough support for a ban on Pitt-Jolie marriages. Republicans are extremely threatened by the thought of politically liberal and genetically perfect couples getting hitched, and were desperately trying stop Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie from getting married. (Maybe they should start with something simpler, like banning Jennifer Aniston from marrying Vince Vaughn. It's for her own good, you know!)
THURSDAY, JUNE 8 The al-Qaida terror network got a little less terrifying today, when American forces bombed the shit out of a house containing top terrorist al-Zarqawi. His death made most Americans feel A LOT better—that is, until we received the news that Brad Pitt might NOT be the biological father of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt! According to the National Enquirer, a source has accused Jolie of sleeping with another man shortly before getting pregnant, and that she spent much of her incubation fretting that the baby might not be Brad's. And while this is certainly a cause for worldwide panic, there is one silver lining to this story: It would explain why Shiloh is kind of homely.
FRIDAY, JUNE 9 As you know, Mexican babies are occasionally kidnapped by baby brokers and sold to celebrities in the United States—and that's WRONG. International adoption is NOT a plaything for startlingly attractive movie stars. Therefore, we owe Mexico for that. So in exchange for their babies, we've started letting them kidnap baby antelopes in Wyoming. Apparently pronghorn antelope herds are nearly extinct south of the border. So we're letting Mexicans come up here with long-handled nets in order to scare up some just-born fawns. One minute they're suckling at their mama's teat, the next they're whooping it up in Puerto Vallarta. Don't worry. We've set limits. Only fawns. No white women. Besides, Wyoming has fawns to spare—the game department estimates about 519,000 antelope live there. The human population? About 509,294. We should register them as Democrats.
SATURDAY, JUNE 10 Well, it's official. Lindsay Lohan is a powderpuff addict. According to PageSix.com, she "got up to use the bathroom to powder her nose six times in two hours" at the Council of Fashion Designers of America awards. Now, we're the first to say that peeing is perfectly normal. We love to pee. Everyone should do it. But the first thing that serious actresses learn is to hold their pee. Meryl Streep can go eight days without peeing. But to be fair, there is another explanation for Lindsay's bathroom trips besides a tooting bender. It could be that some bacteria from Lindsay's anus entered her urethra and then her bladder, causing inflammation and infection in her lower urinary tract. She might have been suffering from a frequent urge to urinate, along with bloody, stinky pee and a burning sensation in the lower pelvis. If Lindsay uses a diaphragm and/or has multiple sexual partners (and we're just doing a case history here; not passing judgment), the odds for this second explanation go up. Regardless, the differential diagnosis didn't matter to Vogue editor Anna Wintour. She was pissed. According to PageSix.com, she threatened to ban LL from future events if she couldn't get her peeing under control. Lindsay's date Karl Lagerfeld would not comment on her urethra. He was too busy designing tiny ruffled shirts and velvet suits for Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, whose appearance in People magazine wearing simple cotton separates shocked the close-knit fashion community.
SUNDAY, JUNE 11 Teenagers have found a way to fuck grownups again. Now the post-pubescent darlings are using high-frequency cell phone rings that adults can't hear, allowing the teens to receive text message alerts in class while their teachers stand clueless and drooling at the overhead projector. Adults can't hear the ring because our wrinkly, aging ears lose the ability to hear high-frequency sounds. This happens twice as fast if you've ever seen Sonic Youth. The ring, called the "Mosquito," was originally designed to help storeowners disperse loitering teens while leaving adults unaffected. Just one blast, and they'd skulk off to another street corner with their dogs and backpacks. But somehow the mosquito got on the internet and it got downloaded faster than thumbnails of freshly hatched celebrity spawn. Okay. Not that fast. What cell phone ring will little Shiloh use when she's a teenager? Will she use a diaphragm like Lindsay or go rhythm like Brit? Sigh. They grow up so fast.