MONDAY, AUGUST 20 Remember when presidential candidate Rudy Guiliani tried to impress us by claiming he was a 9/11 rescue worker? No? Okay, here's a refresher: "I was at Ground Zero as often, if not more, than most of the workers," he boasted (to the chagrin of, you know, actual rescue workers). "I was there working with them. I was exposed to exactly the same things they were exposed to. So in that sense, I'm one of them." So is Rudy—as many alleged—totally full of it? Well, thanks to, now we know! (Pssst! The answer is "Yes!") Using info the New York Times dug up on Guiliani's post-9/11 schedule, Salon compared the time Rudy spent at Ground Zero following the attacks to the amount of time he spent at or traveling to the games of his favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees, shortly after 9/11. The tally? 29 hours at Ground Zero... and 58 hours cheering on the Yanks. In other words, Rudy's more of a Yankee than he is a rescue worker. But according to Hubby Kip, Guiliani's priorities are "way legit," because apparently, the Yankees "were, like, in the World Series that year." So there you go, Rudy—you've got Kip's vote for sure, assuming WWE Raw isn't on when it comes time to vote next November. (In November 2004, Triple H was fighting John Cena, and Kip had "better things to do" than vote. They involved a lot of sweaty men in too-tight underwear.)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21 America's ambassador in Iraq, Ryan Crocker, noted today that progress in the country was "extremely disappointing and frustrating to all concerned—to us, to Iraqis, to the Iraqi leadership itself." In other breaking news, the sky is still blue, and two plus two continues to equal four.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22 As we've learned from personal experience (oh, the stories we could tell!), there is a way "to" drink, and a way "not to" drink. For proof, let's look at two recent shenanigans—one featuring beloved comedian Bill Murray, and another featuring regular One Day star Lindsay Lohan. (Take a quick guess as to who drinks "correctly" and who drinks "incorrectly.") FIRST! While playing in a golf tournament in Sweden, Murray was seen "cruising though downtown Stockholm in a golf cart," according to the Associated Press. "Police officers spotted the Caddyshack star early Monday in the slow-moving vehicle and noticed he smelled of alcohol." Apparently, Murray stole the cart from the tournament, drove around, had a few drinks, and drove back to his hotel. While Murray refused Swedish officers' request for a breathalyzer (c'mon, who takes Swedish cops seriously?), the Swedes were nonetheless charmed. "I don't hold any grudge against Bill Murray for borrowing our cart for a while," tournament head Fredrik Nilsmark said, while local restaurant owner Daniel Bodahl noted that Murray was "a very good guest," despite the fact he'd arrived and departed in a stolen golf cart. MEANWHILE, IN UTAH... Lindsay Lohan—who, yes, is supposed to be in rehab—was seen buying alcohol. This time, OK! magazine reports LiLo purchased some (wait for it) Miller Lite at "a Maverik convenience store in Orem, Utah," not far from her Mormon rehab retreat. Helpful tip, Linds: When you go back to your Mormon captors—er, addiction counselors—a winningly delivered quote from Ghostbusters can go a long way.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 23 Following in the steps of pal Paris Hilton, today Nicole Richie went to jail for the DUI she earned back in December, when she drove her black Mercedes SUV the wrong way on a Los Angeles freeway. (Aw, remember that? Good times.) Due to severe overcrowding in Los Angeles County jails, however, Richie's four-day sentence was lessened to a whopping 82 minutes. Okay, okay, so we know we've been mean to Nicole in the past—referring to her, on occasion, as an "emaciated zombie," or as a "dead-eyed never-been," but we have to give her props for making it through those rough, tough 82 minutes in jail. Especially since she could have easily escaped by just walking between her cell's bars.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24 Celebrities burn out. It's just what they do, and it's what keeps this delightfully written column going, week after week. The only question is whether celebs know they're burning out or whether they're oblivious. In the "aware" category, we have once-famous actress Sally Field, who, in a recent interview with Health magazine (way to score that coveted interview, Health! What, was Rue McClanahan unavailable?), was asked how sh0e continues to look so good. Field answered, "It's hard for me to answer that question. I think I look like dog poop." We suspect that there was then an awkward, awkward silence, at which point the interviewer probably agreed that yes, Sally Field does, in fact, look a just little bit like canine feces. Ah, journalism!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 25 Surprise! The late Mother Theresa didn't believe in god! Such is the shocking news revealed in letters she wrote in the 1950s and 1960s, in which the revered nun, who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979, admitted, "I am told God lives in me—and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul." She also wrote, "Where I try to raise my thoughts to heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. Love—the word—it brings nothing." And if that's not cheery enough for you, she also confessed, "In my soul, I can't tell you how dark it is, how painful, how terrible—I feel like refusing God." Okay. So that's pretty much the most depressing thing ever. Luckily, several pieces of Mother Theresa's other writing—including some Full House fan fiction—were discovered alongside her soul-crushingly gloomy letters, including a hilarious story in which Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse start a rockabilly band, much to the delight of Baby Michelle... and much to the horror of Danny Tanner! Oh, that Mother Theresa! How she could make us laugh! If it were up to us, she'd get another Nobel Prize just for that training bra scene she wrote with Kimmy Gibbler.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 26 Adorable actor Owen Wilson was rushed to a Santa Monica hospital today, with rumors swirling that he had attempted to commit suicide. MSNBC reported that Wilson was rushed to the hospital shortly after noon, while tabloids like Star and the National Enquirerinsisted that the 38-year-old had "sliced his left wrist and taken anindeterminate amount of pills." In a hilariously titled story ("Tears of a Clown: What Happened to Owen Wilson?"), ABC News revealed that the actor—who has the dubious nickname "the Butterscotch Stallion," "for his womanizing ways"—has apparently been having a hard time since he broke up with girlfriend Kate Hudson last spring. According to Star, Wilson's "wrist was sutured and bandaged at the hospital," but official details are scarce, aside from Wilson's statement. "I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time," Wilson wrote. And because we totally loved him in The Royal Tenenbaums, and because we found him charming in Bottle Rocket, and because yes, we even liked him Shanghai Noon, just a little—we're going to respect his wishes and give him some distance. (Well, that, and we're out of space for this week, so we don't have room to make catty comments about that hussy Kate Hudson.) Get well soon, Butterscotch Stallion.