MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 Possibly the most frightening headline a gossip whore may ever read: "Hit Ordered on Kevin Federline?" According to the always reliable, and never hyperbolic (sarcasm) Entertainment Tonight, the show has "several reliable sources that say the FBI and the LAPD are investigating legitimate leads on a contract hit" on K.Fed. Not to brag, but we grew up on Nancy Drew mysteries, and consider ourselves pretty astute when it comes to the detecting of crimes. Therefore the first question we'd ask is, "Who would like to see Kevin Federline dead?" The next question we'd ask is "Who would like to see Kevin Federline maimed and tortured?" That second question automatically raises the number of suspects from two billion to... wait, what's the population of the earth? MEANWHILE... When not dodging a ninja assassin, K.Fed has been in court with ex-wifey Britney trying to decide who is the least appalling parent. Currently they have a 50/50 custody agreement—however, that could change now that Brit is being ordered by a judge "to undergo [random twice-a-week] testing for the use of controlled substances and alcohol." The judge also decided the couple must "engage in joint co-parenting counseling" and (here's the best part!) Britney and Kevin are "restrained from making derogatory remarks about the other party." See, that's why Britney is going to be okay—because an assassin's bullet can't be legally defined as a derogatory remark, now can it?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 While Britney always makes for good copy, it became pretty apparent this week that she wasn't going to provide the media frenzy to which we've become accustomed. Thank god then for the return of O.J. Simpson—who hopped up off the gossip bench and took the tabloid field by storm to win (kill?) another one for the Gipper. It was a big week for the Juice, who was arrested last Sunday after participating in an alleged armed robbery to recoup some "stolen" sports memorabilia. Though he claims it was a "sting" that he set up to get back his stolen stuff, the judge didn't quite see it that way, charging Simpson with five felony counts, including suspicion of assault, kidnapping, and robbery with a deadly weapon. If convicted he faces LIFE IN PRISON. Ohhhh, wouldn't that be rich? After a couple days in jail, Simpson was eventually released on $125,000 bail—and that's when we got the media frenzy we so richly deserved! Outside the courthouse, alongside the expected swarm of cameras, people were selling T-shirts proclaiming, "Get Arrested in Vegas, Stay in Vegas," a man ran around in a chicken suit, and even former O.J. prosecutor Marcia Clark was on hand... reporting for Entertainment Tonight? And you said she'd never work in this town again.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 If the internet can thank one thing for its success, that would be PORN—especially porny pix of celebrities. From Paris Hilton's sex tape to the flashed va-heenas of Britney and Lindsay, to bushy Disney newcomer Vanessa Hudgens, the internet has proven itself to be a bastion of celebrity genitalia and kink. Today the internet went bazonkers thanks to some leaked photos of boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya allegedly cavorting around in panties, fishnets, and heels. While the De La Hoya camp is calling the pictures "a really bad Photoshop job," the exotic dancer who supposedly took the pix (allegedly at Philadelphia's Ritz-Carlton Hotel back in May) insists they're real. (NOTE TO SELF: Burn all photos of Hubby Kip from Halloween 2002. Hmmm... where did those fishnets and pumps disappear to?)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 The small and primarily honky town of Jena, Louisiana didn't know what hit them today when tens of thousands of black Americans arrived to protest the judicial treatment of six local black teens. The teens stand accused of assaulting a white schoolmate in December, after three white students decorated a tree at the high school with lynching nooses. Prosecutors originally charged "the Jena Six" (as they came to be called) with second-degree attempted murder and conspiracy. The students who hung the nooses were briefly suspended, but were otherwise not punished. "I came because enough is enough," said Jena Six protester Doug Martin. "I am tired of the way the courts have been treating African Americans historically." IN A SOMEWHAT RELATED STORY... On his nationally syndicated radio program, conservative chucklehead Bill O'Reilly was discussing his recent dinner with Reverend Al Sharpton at a restaurant in Harlem named Sylvia's. Here's what he had to say about his experience eating at a restaurant owned and populated by black people. "I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City," O'Reilly opined. "I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship." He then sagely added, "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-fer, I want more iced tea.'" See, America? We CAN all get along.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 Today Britney Spears was charged with misdemeanor counts of hit and run and driving without a license. According to the Associated Press, last month paparazzi caught Britney "steering her car into another vehicle as she tried to turn into a spot in a Studio City parking lot. After assessing the damage to her own car only," Spears walked away, and police later discovered that Britney doesn't even have a driver's license. (Okay, first things first: Why didn't we hear about this last month?! C'mon, people! If the Britta so much as sticks gum underneath a movie theater seat, we need to know. STAT! ASAP! Etc.) Anyway, here's the good part: If convicted of the charges, Britney could face up to six months in jail. So let's see... Paris Hilton has done time, Nicole Richie has done time, Lindsay Lohan is still in that creepy Mormon rehab center (which we might as well count as prison).... Yes. If Britney goes to jail, that would just about complete the set. Fingers crossed, everybody!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 God, we are so stupid! Turns out we've been wrong all along about Iraq being a catastrophic mess! Everything's fine! Phew. Earlier this week, Major General Rick Lynch, commander of the Army's Third Infantry Division, cleared everything up for us. "All I'm seeing when I watch TV," Lynch told reporters, "is the bad news and not the good news. I believe Americans, if they knew everything, would be supporting the mission." He added that there's a "filter" that the media uses to keep American people from being "informed properly" about how great everything is going in Iraq. So just FYI: No more need to worry about the ever-escalating death count, the road mines, the bombings, the ineptitude of the Iraqi government, or the continued ill will that's vehemently wished upon us by every thinking person on the planet. Now that's a relief.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Today Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora went to rehab. Correct, loyal One Day readers—usually, reporting on a 48-year-old burned-out has-been butt rocker going to rehab wouldn't even pop up on our radar. But pay close attention: Sambora's rehabilitation facility of choice? Cirque Lodge. Sound familiar? No? Okay... Cirque Lodge in Utah. Eh? No? Okay... Cirque Lodge in Utah... which is run by creeeeepy Mormons... and is also currently the home of... yes! Yes! You got it! Lindsay Lohan. You heard it here first, dear readers: Love connection. MEANWHILE... Today the US military accused Iran of sending missiles to anti-American forces in Iraq, possibly creating an alliance between Iran and Iraqi insurgents, and possibly leading to oh, we don't know, World War III or something. According to Major General Rick Lynch, however, everything's totally cool.