MONDAY, JULY 17 First it was Kabbalah, then Scientology, and the next ridiculous religion that Hollyweird is chasing after? MATRIMONY. It seems like everybody and their fiancés are blowing big bucks just so they can have a fancy celebrity wedding that no one except other celebrities are invited to. Like who? Like, for example, on-and-off bachelorette Pamela Anderson! Everyone was so happy when she dumped that tattooed skank Tommy Lee—until she picked up with tattooed skank Kid Rock. But then everybody breathed a sigh of relief when she cancelled their engagement in 2002—until TODAY when she suddenly announced again that they were getting married! Apparently the wedding will take place on July 29 on a yacht on the French Riviera. Hope it's not the same yacht from Pam and Tommy's sex video! We hear the owner is still having trouble getting the stink out. MEANWHILE... Still married? Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. In fact, they are SO married they have successfully sued the National Enquirer for alleging they were on the fast track to splitsville. "Hasn't One Day alleged the same thing at one time or another?" one may ask. This is true—but the Spears-Federline legal team are well aware of the financial solidity of One Day at a Time, and figured they would have an easier time squeezing blood from a turnip. Or talent from a Federline.
TUESDAY, JULY 18 And if there's anything more popular right now in Hollyweird than marriage, it's DIVORCE. Hot busty babe Carmen Electra and weirdly manicured rocker Dave Navarro are "amicably separated"—and word on the street says he's already dating, and has been for the past five months. NOT SO, screams Dave, who says he's far too busy recording, touring, and shooting the awful reality show Rockstar: Supernova to ejaculate into anyone else's vagina. Even though it's been our experience that such an act can be accomplished fairly quickly. (Apologies to hubby Kip.) MEANWHILE... Former supermodel/cover girl Christie Brinkley is also in the midst of an ugly breakup with hubby Peter Cook after 10 years of marriage. Apparently the split was preceded by the 47-year-old Cook seducing a 17-year-old toy store clerk, hiring her as his assistant, and then banging her for at least a year. We can't imagine Christie is pleased with this revelation—but she should look on the bright side: At least she's still not married to Billy Joel.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 19 In case you need further proof that we have THE DUMBEST PRESIDENT IN THE WORLD, George W. Bush cast his first veto today, nixing legislation that would allow for expanded embryonic stem cell research. In a nutshell, the research entails extracting cells, which while destroying an embryo, could provide science with new ways to treat a variety of life-threatening disorders—from diabetes to paralysis. Moreover, these would be excess embryos culled from fertility treatments, which were going to be destroyed anyway. Nevertheless, President Dumb-Ass is still convinced these billions of wiggling seeds should have a fighting chance to grow up, flood the job market, and bankrupt the welfare system. Said the president, "It crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect, so I vetoed it." That "moral boundary" he's talking about is the overriding respect that he thinks must be given to the sanctity and protection of human life. BTW, the Iraqi civilian death-count since the beginning of American military intervention is by some estimations currently at 43,731.
THURSDAY, JULY 20 Okay, we have a little problem here, people! It seems that SOMEONE has committed a crime so foul, we can barely utter its name: Celebrity BlackBerry Hacking! And who had their BlackBerry hacked? Poor Lindsay Lohan. (Sigh... the hits just keep on coming for that girl, don't they?) According to Lohan rep Leslie Sloane Zelnik, someone stole the password to Lindy's personal messaging system, and then sent her friends some "disgusting and very mean messages that everyone thought were coming from Lindsay." Ummm... so if the messages were that disgusting, why would Lindsay's "friends" assume she had sent them? STOP USING LOGIC, BRAIN. This is Lindsay Lohan we're talking about, and logic has nothing to do with her problem! CAN WE CONTINUE? Thank you—because there's more! Zelnik went on to say she already has a suspect in the case: "Some people think Paris [Hilton] may have been involved because the wording of the messages sounds very familiar." Naturally Hilton's reps are denying any involvement... but there's one way to find out! Check the messages for any of the following key phrases: "Hot," "Fire Crotch," "Carl's Jr.," and "Nicole Richie is a bitch."
FRIDAY, JULY 21 Ooh, and another clue that might prove that Paris Hilton hacked Lindsay's BlackBerry would be the message, "Paris Hilton is sooooo AWESOME." Why? Because she truly BELIEVES IT. In an interview with the Times of London, Paris shut down all the haters in the world who continue to say she's not awesome, by making it very clear that she IS awesome. "There's nobody in the world like me," Paris humbly told the Brits. "I think every decade has an iconic blonde—like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana—and right now, I'm that icon." WAIT! It gets better! "There are a lot of heiresses out there, and I don't see any of them doing what I've done," she continued. "I have so many projects—bags, fragrances, make-up. I go round the world every three days, designing and personally approving it all. I've got movies to make, a tour, TV shows. Every day of my life is scheduled until the end of 2007." Wow. And yet she still has time to annoy the shit out of you. That's what we call mad scheduling skills.
SATURDAY, JULY 22 Yet another great reason to STOP USING MYSPACE.COM. Unbelievably, people are still setting up and accessing MySpace.com accounts—even after it was purchased by Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch, and co-opted by every icky corporation around. And now? The US Marine Corps are trolling the internet site, and luring in impressionable teens for recruiting purposes. "That's definitely the new wave," said recruiter/Sgt. Brian Lancioni. "Everything's technical with these kids, and the internet is a great way to show what the Marine Corps has to offer." After originally being scared off by reports of sexual predators using MySpace, the Army is also planning on creating their own profile. "It is where the prospects are," said Army Web Chief Louise Eaton. "We go to where they are to try to inform them of the opportunities we offer." They do have a point—although we didn't notice "Death" and "Beheading" listed under their "interests."
SUNDAY, JULY 23 Holy mother of God—IT'S HOT. And it's not just affecting the pale, wan indierockers of Portland. In California's San Fernando Valley, the temperature hit 100 degrees for the 18th straight day, and in Palm Springs, the temperature spiked to 122 degrees. Horrifyingly, the heat almost dropped the new Miss Universe (Puerto Rican beauty Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza) who fainted 40 minutes after slipping on her new tiara—trust us, those things are HEAVY. Even in England, the heat makes people do crazy things... especially if you're already a little crazy in the first place. In today's edition, the reporters of News of the World say they caught '80s pop icon George Michael snogging a "pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver" in the bushes of a London park. Said the amorous van driver, "We started kissing... then it was fondling and mutual pleasuring. It wasn't full sex but it was fantastic." When confronted by the staff's photogs, George yelled, "Are you gay? No? Then fuck off! This is my culture!" Now, calm down, gay people! We know it's hot outside, but don't lose your temper. Everybody in the world realizes that George Michael is no longer your spokesperson. Try a cold washcloth on the back of your neck.