MONDAY, OCTOBER 29 Stop the presses! Oft-beleaguered pop tartress Britney Spears actually received some good news this week—and no, it wasn't that her STD tests came back negative. Her brand-new album, appropriately entitled Blackout, was released and zoomed to the top of the charts. Naturally, to keep the universe in balance, Britney also needed to receive some not-so-good news. As mentioned last week, she and K-Fed's "parenting coach" met with the judge last week to grade Brit on her mommying skills... which... umm... left a bit to be desired. According to the coach, Britney "rarely engaged with (her) children in either conversation or play" during the monitored visits. The coach also noted that her choices are not "child-centered" and the activities Britney picks are "dependent more on what [she] wants to do rather than what would be enjoyable for children." OH, COME ON!! She's Britney Spears, and she has the #1 ALBUM IN AMERICA, bitch! Besides, we think she's making very good choices by keeping the children away from certain activities. For example? Two days after the judge restricted her visitation rights, did she include the kids in her wild Hollywood party wherein she allegedly let a guy snort cocaine off her chest (as reported by WENN)? NO SHE DID NOT. She only lets her boys snort FAKE cocaine off her chest. (BTW, as far as "child-centered activities" go, that sure beats Hot Wheels.)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30 Okay, Michael Richards, Isaiah Washington, and Alec Baldwin, you're off the hook... for now. There's a new derogatory epithet slinger in town, and his name is Dog the Bounty Hunter! For those who refuse to partake in ridiculous reality TV shows, "Dog" is a Hawaii-based bounty hunter whose exploits are documented weekly on the A&E network. However, Dog's true doggy nature was revealed when the National Enquirer leaked a recorded phone conversation between himself and his son Tucker (who has a black girlfriend), in which Dog dropped the "n-bomb" numerous times. Here's a clip of the convo: "I'm not taking a chance... not because she's black but because we use the word n***er sometimes here. I'm not going to take any chance ever in my life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some drunken n***er heard us say n***er and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine." IRONY ALERT! Notice how getting "turned in to" the Enquirer is exactly what happened? Anyway, now Dog is trying to convince us that he really, really likes... you know... those people. "I have the utmost respect and aloha for black people who have suffered so much due to racial discrimination and acts of hatred," Dog said in a press release. "I was disappointed in [my son's] choice of a friend—not due to her race, but her character." Ah... if only everyone could emulate the stellar character of this racist bounty hunter. Instead of saying "n***er," just stick with "aloha," Dog.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 It's Halloween! And while we were showing off our "Sexy Cancer Patient" costume, Hollyweird was trotting out their best trick-or-treating finery! Paris Hilton showed a rare glimpse of self-awareness when she dressed up in a black-and-white striped prisoner's outfit (with "Jail Bait" stenciled across the ass). The most grotesquely cute couple award goes to recently divorced mommy Reese Witherspoon (dressed as a witch) and new boytoy Jake Gyllenhaal (in an ape costume), trick-or-treating with her kids in the posh Brentwood neighborhood—holding hands and occasionally stopping to smooch. Get a room, you two... preferably in a haunted mansion. Britney? Oh, she dressed as a whore—in a sombrero. But the most creative costume of the night had to go to cyclist Lance Armstrong who disguised his missing testicle as an Olsen Twin. (Wait... oh, that wasn't a disguise? He's actually dating and rubbing up against Ashley Olsen in public? One Day at a Time regrets both the error, and that sickening image in our head.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1 Here's a story that will warm your heart: A jury has ordered the anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church (known for their classy catchphrase "God hates fags") to pay $10.9 million in damages to the family of a US Marine, after church members cheered at his funeral. Apparently, the church was protesting the funeral of Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder (who died in Iraq), saying that "his death was God's punishment of America for tolerating homosexuality." Uh... yeah. We don't get it either. Regardless, the group cheered during the ceremony, and held up signs saying, "You're going to hell," and "God hates you." Now, according to his parents, Matthew Snyder wasn't even gay... but that's kind of beside the point, isn't it? All we need to know or understand is that these Bible-thumping assholes will be paying out the nose for their homophobia, and that God is probably holding up a sign that says, "Actually, it's Westboro Church that I hate."
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Today Heather Mills, the one-legged horse-faced ex-wife of washed-up former Beatle Paul McCartney, threatened to release "incredibly explosive" recordings that, supposedly, contain details about McCartney's infidelity, drug abuse, penchant for domestic violence, and his sex life. (Altogether now: Ewwwwww.) Recorded when McCartney and Mills were in therapy, Mills promises that the tapes are so revealing that she fears for her life should they be released! But never fear: "I have a box of evidence that's going to a certain person should anything happen to me," Mills threatened. "So if you top me off, the truth will come out." The only flaw in Mills' plan? That no one, at all, anywhere, still gives two shits about Paul McCartney, the Beatles, or especially Heather Mills. Yick. Just typing this paragraph made us feel like we'd washed down three Ambiens with a box of Franzia.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3 Despite having a name that's impossible to correctly spell or pronounce, adorable Transformers actor Shia LaBeouf still managed to get it into a police report. Today the 21-year-old drunkenly broke into a Chicago Walgreens, with Us magazine reporting that LaBeouf "ignored repeated requests from a security guard to leave the store." Matters weren't helped when the bewildered LaBeouf used his one phone call to ask Optimus Prime to come down to the station and bail him out. Prime has yet to return LaBeouf's voicemail. MEANWHILE... So. Remember when Owen Wilson tried to kill himself a little while ago? And we all hoped that he'd recover and get back on track soon? Well, according to the Daily News, Owen's been seen canoodling with Jessica Simpson. Somebody call the suicide hotline.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Speaking of Jessica Simpson, never let it be said that we here at One Day at a Time think all Hollywood starlets are stupid. Some are quite poised and bright! Like... ah... um. Just give us one sec. Anyhoo, while we're thinking, did you hear about Katie Holmes running the New York City Marathon? Surrounded by a creepy plainclothes security detail, Katie finished the marathon in about five and a half hours, with the terrifyingly Scientological Tom Cruise and their doomed daughter, Suri, cheering her on at the finish line. Well, there goes our theory that Tom broke both of Katie's legs to prevent his child bride from escaping his clutches. Now, at least, we know that she could run away if she wanted to—she just isn't intelligent enough to run in the right direction. So yes, actually. We take it back. All Hollywood starlets are stupid.