MONDAY, JANUARY 14 Like a nightmare from which one can never awake, Britney Spears is back with another weeklong tumble into embarrassment. The headline from Life & Style Weekly? Britney's Nude Shopping Tirade! Here's the scoopage: Brit and her soul-patched douche of a new boyfriend made yet another spectacle of themselves yesterday at the Betsey Johnson store in Sherman Oaks, California. Apparently, Brit grabbed an armload of dresses and disappeared into the changing room with Soul Patch in tow. Suddenly, and without warning, Brit walked back onto the floor of the store—completely buck-nekkid, ya'll! "I was blown away. Britney's private parts were right in front of me," said a traumatized store employee who had obviously never seen a clumsily administered caesarean scar. "I grabbed a dress to cover her and she screamed, 'GET AWAY FROM ME! DON'T YOU FUCKING COME NEAR ME!' Then she disappeared in the dressing room with Adnan [Soul Patch Douchebag] for 45 minutes. They were making weird noises. It was disgusting." BTW, we can totes believe this story was the inspiration for Cloverfield. Anyway, when the loathsome twosome finally emerged, the poor employee couldn't even understand what Brit was saying. "She was slurring and spitting," he said, "and talking with a British accent. Her face was covered with cold sores and acne, and her scalp was patchy. Then she muttered, 'Fuck you!' and left the store." WOW! Cold sores? British accent? Spitting? Patchy scalp?? Too... much... to ... make... fun... of! Can't... process! Shutting down... Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... zzt!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 15 Wow. We're still speechless from yesterday's sinking of the Britanic. However, there was so much more, we are forced to devote today's entry to Britney as well! As mentioned last week, after missing a laundry list of court dates, Monday's deposition was seemingly Brit's final chance to wrest control of her kids from the hillbilly tendrils of Kevin Federline. And she almost made it, too! On Monday, she actually showed up at the courthouse, stepped out of the car, and... and... nope, couldn't do it. "I'm scared," Britney told the flock of photogs, as she pushed her way back to the car. "Stop it. I want to get back in the car. Let me get in the car, please!" And with that, Kevin keeps sole custody of the children for another month. (Can someone give them a bath, please? That Cheetos dust is almost an inch thick.) MEANWHILE... Perhaps they're psychic... or maybe it's just being prepared. Regardless, the Associated Press has already written Britney's obituary. According to Us Weekly, the news wire service started preparing Brit's death announcement last month. "I think one would agree that Britney seems at risk right now," says AP Entertainment Editor Jesse Washington. "Of course we would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we never have to use it until 50 years from now... but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared." SPEAKING OF BEING PREPARED, it was also announced today that Lindsay Lohan will be working at a MORGUE as part of her punishment for drunken driving. And how great would it be if Lindsay and Britney showed up there AT THE SAME TIME? Just in case, we're going to start writing that story right now!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16 Today a new Tom Cruise/Scientology video hit the web, reminding everyone just how crazy "crazy" can get. In this infomercial for the cul... ummm, "church," Tom looks dreamily intense as he lovingly describes the virtues of membership... while making exactly ZERO sense. "We're the authorities on the mind," Tom says of his crackpot crew. "We're the authorities on improving conditions. We can rehabilitate criminals. We can bring peace and unite cultures." [We assume he's talking about here on Earth, and not the planet Rigel VII.] "Being a Scientologist," he continues, "when you drive past an accident... you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one who can help." OHHH-KAY... so Britney took off all her clothes in a department store and started spitting and slurring in a British accent. Any of you guys feel like stopping to help?
THURSDAY, JANUARY 17 Congratulations to Hillary Clinton for winning yesterday's Michigan Democratic primary—even though she was the only person on the ballot. OH! Wait. There was also "undecided." Apparently, because of a dispute over the date of the vote, Michigan couldn't get its shit together in time—leaving all the candidates (except Hillary) off the ballot. Luckily for the dreamy and extremely electable Barack Obama, the national Democratic Party stripped the state of its delegates, making its primary utterly meaningless. As long as we're at it, can we go ahead and strip Michigan of its statehood, too?
FRIDAY, JANUARY 18 Tyra Banks is an idiot. We've spent the last 45 minutes trying to figure out why she's so successful—since between her "teaching self-conscious girls how to throw up" prime-time thing and her "I wish I was Oprah!" daytime thing, she makes an estimated $18 million annually. (Other than unfortunately revealing swimsuits, we're not sure what she's spending all that money on, but we could spend it far better. We've had our eye on a pair of Dries Van Notens to die for.) Anyway, today Tyra interviewed a clearly desperate-for-exposure Hillary Clinton. Here are some excerpts from the Interview of the Century™. TYRA: "If you were a contestant on a reality show, would you rather be on Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, or America's Next Top Model?" HILLARY: "In my dreams, I would be on America's Next Top Model. But in reality, I would have to choose [from] my limited talents, and of them dancing is better than singing. You do not want me to sing!" Agreed. And then there's this: TYRA: "Now, if you win, are you going to be 'Madam President' or 'Madame'? [Bill Clinton] has to have another name because... it would be your time." HILLARY: "Well, that is true. He'll always be Mr. President, but now we need to do a nationwide contest for a name." TYRA: "Like a reality show!" Yes, Tyra. Like a reality show. Omigod, she's an idiot.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 19 O.J. Simpson posted $250,000 bail earlier this week in order to get out of jail for that weird armed robbery thing he did in Vegas last September. The bail would have been more, but O.J.'s attorney made a really good point: Simpson "cannot even walk out his front door without TV cameras following him," and thus wasn't much of a flight risk. Now, we don't say this very often, so appreciate it, photogs: God bless the paparazzi. As long as they keep their cameras trained on the Juice, the world will be just a little bit less stabby.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 20 Hmmm... we don't know... ohhh, sure. Why not? Britney Spears has multiple personality disorder! According to the gossip psychiatrists at TMZ, whenever Britney's slips in and out of her British accent... well, that's just one of her many multiple personalities—which include "the weepy girl, the diva, the incoherent girl," ad infinitum. Sources say Brit "has no recollection" of what she does when she's speaking in her British accent. When reached for comment, the Britta had a totes legit explanation. "Cor blimey, gov! Rather a bit o' the ol' rumpy pumpy, idn't it! S'whole lotta poppycock is wha' tha' is! Oi, so I'm on the piss, an' crickey, howsabouts a bit o' how's yer father? You're nicked if yeh think... chim-chim-cheree! Between the bee's knees and the dog's bollocks! Belt up 'fore I throw a spanner inta yer works! Barkin' barmy!" And so it went, on and on, with Britney demanding "quid" and "threppence" until everyone gradually lost interest.