MONDAY, AUGUST 14 Morality. Not much use for it in Hollyweird, is there? Frankly speaking, morality gets in the way of coke binges, home wrecking, and money making. Take party gal Lindsay Lohan, for example—taking her cue from old episodes of Sex and the City, Lindsay's philosophy on sex is fuck 'em, fuck 'em, fuck 'em. "[The show] changed everything for me, because those girls would just sleep with so many people," Lindy opined recently. However, while she's allowed to sleep with as many people as humanly possible—and she does—Lindsay feels differently about her lovers' promiscuity. "If I'm going to give my body to someone, I'd rather them not be with other people. But I want to be able to if I like someone else." Hey guys! As long as you're down there, can you check Lindsay for a penis? MEANWHILE... In the most startling display of callousness we've seen in quite awhile, heiress/pop-song slayer Paris Hilton has reportedly decided to purchase a graveyard plot right next to film icon Marilyn Monroe—where she plans to bury her pet goat! WE ARE NOT KIDDING! When she bought the gravesite in Hollywood's Pierce Bros. Westwood Village Memorial Park under the name of "Billy Hilton," the owners assumed it was for one of her relatives. "But it has transpired that it's just an old goat," said a source. Hey, buddy! That "old goat" is worth more than Marilyn made in a lifetime. (But then, so are the soiled panties Paris is selling on eBay.)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 15 Let's gab a wee bit on how LIFE IS UNFAIR. Consider if you will, Boy George, the erstwhile singer of '80s pop juggernaut Culture Club. Earlier in the year, George was convicted of making a false 911 report, after he called the cops to investigate his home being robbed. (While the cops found no evidence of a breaking and entering, they did stumble across some COCAINE. Whoops.) George threw himself on the mercy of the court, telling the judge he would happily do a benefit concert for charity, in lieu of a harsher penalty. Obviously no Culture Club fan, the judge sentenced George to picking up trash on the streets in NYC, where today he was harassed by reporters and cruel onlookers. ON THE OTHER HAND, Jew-hatin' drunk driver Mel Gibson got quite a different reception from the halls of justice. In a plea bargain made this week, Mel avoided jail with three years probation, and was ordered to attend one year of AA meetings (five times a week for four and a half months, then only three times a week). He also has to pay $1,200 in fines and $100 in restitution. (To the Jews? Damn! Screwed AGAIN.) The charges of possessing an open bottle of tequila, and his attempted escape from police were dismissed. Take note, Boy George! The courts are only lenient if you put other people's lives in danger, insult the Jewish race, and direct a snuff film entitled The Passion of the Christ.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16 Do you have a weird taste in your mouth? That's because you're chewing on a bunch of bull! Horsy-faced Jennifer Aniston lashed out today at the tabs, pooh-poohing the swirling rumor that she is marrying hairy-backed Neanderthal Vince Vaughn. According to People magazine, Jen has NOT been proposed to, "people are getting fed a lot of bull," and the entire idea of her marrying Vince Vaughn is "insane." Vaughn was unable to comment because his feelings were too hurt. See? Hirsute meatballs have feelings, too!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 17 The "media" came under attack this week, after an American schoolteacher in Thailand made the startling confession that he had killed child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. It was widely reported over the 10-year investigation that JonBenet's parents were suspected in the case. However, after a rousing chorus of "I told you so's" and "See how the evil media makes things up?" it turns out that creepy schoolteacher John Mark Karr, might be the one making things up. In his confession, Karr said he drugged and sexually assaulted the girl before accidentally killing her—although the coroner's report noted an absence of any drugs in her system, and made no conclusions regarding whether or not she was raped. Karr also said he picked up JonBenet from school—even though the murder took place during her holiday vacation. Karr's wife has also said he was with her in Alabama at the time of the killing. Karr is expected to be flown back to the US this weekend, which should give him just enough time to get his story straight.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 18 Bathing in chocolate. Not such an unpleasant notion. Yet, it turns out, very, very dangerous. Just ask the 21-year-old Wisconsin chocolate factory employee who managed to accidentally slide into a hopper of chocolate, where he sunk into the 110-degree fudge-y goodness and remained stuck for two hours. "It was in my hair, in my ears, my mouth, everywhere," he said. Wouldn't you love to hear that 911 call? "No, seriously. He's drowning in fudge sauce." The police and the fire department showed up, but no one could pull him out. It's a good thing there were chocolate professionals about. The solution? They thinned the chocolate out with cocoa butter. Then they speared him with a fondue fork and were able to lift him right out. He suffered minor injuries, mostly from fighting off bystanders who tried to lick him clean.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 19 For people who can't get enough of making fun of Lindsay Lohan (Us! Us! Us!) there's another target on the entertainment horizon: her mother. Yes, Lindsay's mother Dina Lohan is developing her own TV show. She's not going to be anchoring the evening news or anything. America wouldn't stand for some chatty, middle-aged bottle blonde with a questionable news pedigree and a gummy smile prattling on about Fallujah in between colonoscopy discussions. (We love you Katie! Good luck!) No, Dina will be entering a more populated arena: She wants to host a talk show. And why not? As her daughter's manager, she talks all the time. She says, "Please, Lindsay, please go to work today. I have to pay for more Botox. No, honey, I think the fake tanner looks great on you!" Oh, but that's mean of us, isn't it? Especially when Dina is such a good friend to young actors. "Lindsay's friends call me the 'white Oprah,'" Dina said recently. "Because they all come to me with their problems. I'm like the mom of these kids in the business. I love to talk." But wait, there's a twist. It's not a standard talk show. "It's more of an Apprentice-type game show thing." What? She votes a guest off the couch every week? Keep your day job, Dina. And, please, get Lindsay into rehab. It's starting to get cruel. Kiss.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 20 Suspected JonBenet Ramsey killer John Mark Karr arrived home in the US of A and not a single person showed up at LAX with Mylar balloons and banners to greet him. We'll see how YOU like it when no one is there to welcome you home at the airport. Karr may be a child rapist and murderer, or, at best, a certifiable nut job/freak of nature, but either way, we're grateful to him for directing some media attention to this little-publicized case. We were just thinking, wouldn't it be great to be able to see little JonBenet all made up like a beauty queen, wearing that stupid plaid hat, every fucking time we open a news website? Why, it's been years since we had any articles to add to our JonBenet scrapbook. And now, we have to go buy some new "Princess" stickers and pink puffy paint. Today's exciting twist? Seems John Boy was a patient at a Bangkok clinic specializing in sex-change surgery. That explains those dainty limbs and coquettish behavior! Hey! If his confession turns out to be a hoax, maybe he can be a contestant on Dina's talk/game/reality show! You know, once he gets out of county psych. And Lindsay gets out of rehab.