MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 Now, here are a couple of things you don't hear every day: (1) Paris Hilton gives a homeless person $100, and (2) Michael Jackson has rumored plans to construct another theme park—this one devoted to LEPRECHAUNS. Though both sound equally unbelievable, we have seen actual video proof (courtesy of TMZ.com) of Paris actually giving a hobo 100 smackers—and just because he asked for it! (Of course, we didn't see what happened after the camera was shut off, and we suspect she might've taken the Benjamin back, and doused the man with gasoline. And then held up a lit match while forcing him to insult Lindsay Lohan.) MEANWHILE... Apparently, shamed former pop idol Michael Jackson has been kicked out of the Middle East, because now he's wasting time and money in Ireland, looking into buying a castle—as well as building a leprechaun-inspired theme park. (He does have a point... leprechaun theme parks just aren't as popular in Dubai.) It's said that Michael is so over being obsessed with monkeys and pre-teen boys, and now is really into the myth and magic of the leprechaun—who you must admit, looks a lot like a hairier version of a pre-teen boy. Hope you find that pot of gold, Michael!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 And now a very frightening bit of news from THE WORLD OF SCIENCE. Apparently, NASA has been having trouble with one of their space shuttles (surprise!), and this time they're reporting that they've seen two mysterious objects floating around outside the spacecraft. One of the objects is completely unidentifiable, but they suspect it might have fallen off the ship. (We advise doing a quick headcount, guys.) And while that alone is frightening enough, it's the second object floating around out there that's really weirding us out. According to NASA, they think it's... a plastic bag. Says Shuttle Program Manager Wayne Hale, "While we have not definitely put this interesting little picture to bed, there is considerable thought that it is just a plastic bag that came from somewhere and got loose." A plastic bag... that just came from somewhere?!? Look, nerd—plastic bags don't just come from "somewhere," they come from one of two places: Russian cosmonauts (who are notorious litterbugs) or evil aliens from the planet Klaktu in the Rigel 7 system, whose sole objective is enslaving Earth! (They probably stopped to have lunch at Taco Bell while on a reconnaissance mission and jettisoned the bag.) Regardless... somebody call Tom Cruise, and have him put a stop to this!!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 Speaking of discarded bags, plummeting pop star Jessica Simpson is reported to be starting a new chain of barbecue restaurants called "Daisy Duke's" after her unconvincingly sexy role from the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Like Hooters, the new eatery will feature a scantily clad waitstaff (sorry, girls and gays... no boys) dressed in teeny-tiny hot pants. Because as we all know, there is nothing more appetizing than chewing on a tough piece of meat while gazing at a camel toe in your face. (For those unfamiliar with the term "camel toe," check out any recent photo of Jessica's vaginal area). MEANWHILE... Speaking of vaginal areas, American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken is back in the news again, and still not admitting he's gay. Promoting a new album debuting this week, Clay appeared on Good Morning, America, People magazine, and myriad other media outlets who really only wanted to know one thing: IS CLAY AIKEN GAY? "What do you say to that question?" Clay cagily responded. "It's like when I was eight. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. People are going to believe what they want." Soooooooooo... in other words... you're gay?
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 It's time to choose sides. In what was clearly the most distressing news of the day, teen queen Lindsay Lohan has been unceremoniously DUMPED by boyfriend and owner of the Pink Taco food chain, Harry Morton. (We will tell you right now, without hearing another word, we're on LINDSAY'S SIDE. Why? If you call your business "Pink Taco," we will NEVER be on your side. NEVER.) According to People magazine, Harry gave Lindsay the dump at the trendy Chateau Marmont after dinner—who afterward ran off crying to her pals. Why give Lilo the heave-ho? Says one unnamed source, "She was too much drama. She's young and a little bit immature. Harry's more low-key and not into the same stuff she's into." But wait! According to yet another unnamed source (they crawl around Hollyweird like cockroaches, don't they?), "No one 'dumped' anyone. You don't dump people when you're 20 and 25. You have a mature relationship, and you take a break and you see what happens. Everyone does that." OH, COME ON! Everybody does NOT do that, and Lilo will never be in a "mature relationship." Unnamed Source #2 is full of crap. We're on your side, Unnamed Source #1!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 "Math" is usually only good for figuring out how much we'll save if Saks offers us 15 percent off of an $800 Coach purse. But occasionally it's useful for something else. Like realizing that today, the number of Americans killed in Iraq and Afghanistan hit 2,973. That's the same number of people who died on 9/11. ("Add casualties from chasing terrorists elsewhere in the world," notes the Associated Press, "and the total has passed the September 11 figure.") See? Math can be fun! EXTRA CREDIT: Let's try some more arithmetic! According to the New York Times, American intelligence agencies have reported that "the American invasion and occupation of Iraq has helped spawn a new generation of Islamic radicalism and that the overall terrorist threat has grown since the September 11 attacks." So, more terrorists, plus the 850 days that Bush has left in his term, divided by pi... equals... mmmm... carry the three... so there's a remainder of.... ah, whatever. Hey, do you know what 15 percent off of $800 is?
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Osama bin Laden's dead! Osama bin Laden's dead! Well, sort of. Maybe. No, not really. Probably not. Okay, so we're actually pretty sure he's still alive—no doubt pacing around in a filthy cave and cackling maniacally, masterminding his next devious, heartless scheme (his latest, we suspect, has something to do with why Howie Mandel is inexplicably famous again). But that didn't stop the suspiciously named French newspaper L'Est Républicain from declaring that Osama's bitten the big one, citing a "leaked intelligence document" from a "usually reliable source" that said Osama has lost a battle with typhoid. But officials worldwide quickly dismissed the news as having no proof whatsoever. CBS White House Correspondent Jim Axelrod seemed to put it best when asked about Osama's ostensible death: "I wouldn't hold your breath." Oh, Axel, you're probably right—if Osama was dead, his nefarious plots would probably come to a screeching halt. And, sadly, Howie Mandel seems just fine.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 Hey, remember that whole "Lindsay Lohan's broken up! Lindsay Lohan's broken up!" thing that happened waaaay back on Thursday? Well, never mind. According to the website Life Style Extra, the breakup lasted "less than 24 hours"—meaning that by now, Harry's back for another "all-you-can-eat special" at a certain someone's Pink Taco. (Ugh.) But the story also notes that Lindsay's been flirting around, so we'll probably have a lot more of these breakups/hookups to vicariously enjoy. "Lindsay left Hard Rock [Café] heir Harry fuming after spending the entire night glued to Sam Young" at a posh British party earlier this month, the story notes. "One guest said: 'She was all over him like a rash.'" Omigod, we know just what you're thinking: Who's Sam Young? We don't know either. But we do know this: Whoever he is, he'd better get himself to a dermatologist, stat.