MONDAY, OCTOBER 2 Important note to everyone who reads One Day at a Time: Not all Republicans are pedophiles. This is 2006, people. It's time for us to broaden our horizons, and stop generalizing when it comes to entire races of people—and by "races," we mean the mentally ill—and by "mentally ill" we mean Republicans. At this point, we only know for sure that ONE prominent Republican is a 16-year-old-boy-lovin' pedophile, and that is former Florida Congressman Mark Foley. For those who haven't read the papers lately, Foley has been accused of sending naughty emails and text messages to high-school-aged congressional pages. Even worse? The possibility that Republican leaders in the House of Representatives knew he was coming on to kids, and ignored it. Even worser? That Foley blamed his sexual leanings on an alcohol addiction. (BTW, while there is no conclusive proof that liquor turns men into pedophiles, it's generally agreed that enough wine coolers can make even a 52-year-old Republican look more attractive.) Even worser still? When it comes to sexy text messaging, Foley has, like, ZERO GAME. Check out this text message exchange between Foley and a congressional page during a House vote on Emergency War Time supplemental appropriations.
Foley: did you know you would have this effect on me
Teen: lol I guessed
Foley: can I have a good kiss goodnight
All together now... EWWWWW! But still, let's not jump to conclusions. As stated earlier, not EVERY Republican is a pedophile. (But just in case, don't leave any of them alone with your children.)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3 Riddle us this: What says "Boohoohoo... Neighhhhh!"? Why, it's horsy-faced Jennifer Aniston getting her heart broken again! According to those snoopy spies at Us magazine, hirsute actor/Neanderthal Vince Vaughn has given Jen the old heave-ho—three months after he allegedly asked her to marry him. "It's not common knowledge," Vince told the magazine, "but we're not together anymore." An Aniston pal backed up the rumor, claiming, "They're 100 percent done." Let's pause for a moment to reflect on this grim sequence of events: It's certainly one thing to be dumped by Brad Pitt. Hell, that could've happened to any of us (and Jen, what with her equine features, should have seen it coming a mile away). BUT TO BE DUMPED BY VINCE VAUGHN? It's like being dropped by a slightly taller version of Danny DeVito. There's obviously only one explanation for her horrifying track record: She's got relationship cooties. And of course, the horse-face thing doesn't help.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4 If it's Wednesday, then that must mean Paris Hilton is at the police station again. But this time, she's the one filing charges! It's the kind of story gossipy tongue-waggers such as ourselves live for—Paris got smacked in the mouth by a contestant of Dancing with the Stars! Here are the sordid details: Paris was whooping it up early this morning at Hollyweird hotspot Hyde, when former Dancing with the Stars contestant/former wife of musician Travis Barker/former Miss USA Shanna Moakler began screaming obscenities and "struck Paris in her jaw with closed fists," according to Hilton's weary publicist. Apparently, Moakler was incensed because Hilton has been spotted playing touchy-feely with Moakler's ex-husband Barker, and took her frustrations out on the socialite's face. And while Paris screamed and ran, Moakler's publicist is claiming that Hilton's ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos is the real bad guy here, for allegedly bending Moakler's wrists, pouring a drink on her, and shoving her down a flight of stairs. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hollywood is, and always will be, the most awesome city on the planet.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5 In this week's celebrity baby news, Scientology crackpot Tom Cruise is allegedly "VERY concerned about [wifey] Katie Holmes' bod" and has become directly involved with her workout regimen to make sure she drops some of that baby blubber before the big wedding day, according to TMZ.com. Yes, Tom is concerned, and who wouldn't be? Look at her! She's a goddamn hog who's tipping the scales at 120 pounds—at least. How is someone as attractive as Tom Cruise supposed to walk down the aisle with such a disgusting-looking cow? She's so ridiculously chubby, he'll have to walk at least 20 feet behind her! Get with the program, Katie! According to Scientology lore, the soon-to-be-invading Emperor Klaktu of the planet Rigel VII has very strict rules about a woman's appearance (i.e., "NO FATTIES"). Meanwhile... Former pop goddess Madonna is not... repeat NOT adopting a one-year-old orphan from the African nation of Malawi. Reports earlier this week insinuated that Madge was pulling an "Angelina" and picking up a kid for her collection during a jaunt to Africa. However, according to Madonna's spokeswoman, those reports are "completely inaccurate." In fact, the very idea of Madonna adopting an African orphan is so laughably stupid, it defies imagination. Madonna doesn't adopt children... she eats them. When are you gossip rags going to get it right?
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6 The Epic, Eternal Battle for the Fate of the Universe has finally come to a head. The stakes: Everything! The battleground? America's Heartland! The Warriors: Sort-of-Famous Actress Sienna Miller vs. The Beleaguered City of Shitsburgh! Oh, wait—Pittsburgh. But "Shitsburgh" is what the 24-year-old Miller, who's in the city shooting a movie, called it in a Rolling Stone interview today. Angry Pittsburgh residents were quick to defend their utopic metropolis. "I think obviously we have a great town, and I disagree with her comments," bristled Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. Despite a half-hearted apology via Miller's publicist, Shitsburgh residents are still furious, insisting that their city has plenty to offer. "Okay, we might not be able to think of anything right now," they told reporters. "No, not off the top of our heads. Uh... we have a zoo, right? And maybe a football team...? Are those guys still around? Seriously, there has to be some reason to live here, right? Anybody? Anybody got anything? No? Oh, man. Okay. Maybe there's not. Yeah—on second thought, there's really not. Why are we here?" Thanks to Miller's keen analysis, Shitsburgh is expected to be vacated within the week.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7 News flash! Paris Hilton smokes weed! At a Milan fashion show, paparazzi caught a glimpse into Paris' purse—in which there was a baggie that contained what allegedly appeared to be marijuana! Paris' publicist, the beleaguered and ridiculously named Elliot Mintz, was quick to squelch the international furor that erupted, insisting that, "Things are not always what they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos... photo.... zzzzzzzzz." Okay, look. We only have room in One Day for one really juicy Paris Hilton tidbit per week. So unless Paris is being taken into custody, or slapped across the mouth, we have bigger fish to fry. Okay? Are we done here? Good. On to Sunday!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8 No, Jon Stewart is not running for president, so stop getting drunk during The Daily Show and telling all your roommates how, seriously, you'd totally probably vote for him. "Nothing says, 'I am ashamed of you, my government' more than 'Stewart/Colbert '08,'" the adorable Stewart quipped today, shortly before denying that he will be running for president on the whim of some random guy who made some t-shirts. But we have to admit: Despite its ridiculousness, the rumor of a presidential bid by Stewart (we mentioned how adorable he is, right?) was strangely appealing. Sure, he's certainly smarter than our current president. By a long shot. And this whole Daily Show gig notwithstanding—not too long ago, he was just another failed actor in Half Baked and The Faculty and Big Daddy. But still. Wouldn't Stewart be a way more legit candidate than Hillary?