MONDAY, MARCH 10 OMG! Stop the presses! This is the best news we've received since we were allowed to participate in the Saks 50 percent off "Employees Only" sale. George Dreamboat Clooney is NOT happily engaged! As you undoubtedly recall from last week, it was reported that George was all set to marry some haggish tranny whose name currently escapes our recollection. Happily for everyone—except a certain whorish witch we could mention—George has announced that "these reports are not true," and further, he has no intention of getting married to anyone, ever. Wait... suddenly, this isn't such great news anymore. MEANWHILE... In other Clooney news, George has also finally responded to allegations that romance cover model Fabio threatened to whip his ass. As previously reported in One Day, after an allegedly inebriated George asked a photog in Fabio's dining party to stop taking pictures, the blond meatbag leapt to his feet, and offered to pummel the handsome movie star, leading Clooney to beat a hasty retreat. George recalled to Esquire magazine, "He's a big guy. There's a moment when you are actually in the argument, and you're thinking, 'If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain. I wouldn't shake that.'" Oh... HA! HA, HA, HA, HA! Ohhh, George! We love you so much! AND WE FUCKING DESPISE YOU, Fabio. MEANWHILE... Just to further prove how awesome George is, he just gave $500,000 to assist the starving in Darfur. To put that in perspective, Grey's Anatomy's Patrick "Dr. McDreamy" Dempsey only donated $250,000 to cancer treatment. It may be obvious to say this, but... Patrick? You sir, are no Clooney.

TUESDAY, MARCH 11 OH! And speaking of dreamboats, have you seen this month's embarrassingly fawning Rolling Stone cover shot of Barack Obama? Receiving the dubious Rolling Stone editorial endorsement for the Democratic nomination, the accompanying article is entitled "A New Hope" and Barack is pictured majestically staring off into the distance, with a halo of light (the light of pure and unadulterated righteousness perhaps?) ensconcing his entire body. Now, as you already know, we love Barack Obama more than life itself—but c'mon. Even former Governor Eliot Spitzer would call that cover a really expensive blowjob (see Wednesday, March 12 for more). Besides, we have to be honest, if push came to shove? We'd kick Barack Obama off a cliff, if George Clooney were in the race! C'MON! He gave $500,000 to Darfur!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12 Who knew prostitutes had gotten so expensive? Today New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned after being caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a high-priced prostitute. In a press conference today, Spitzer apologized for his "private failings" with his absolutely FUMING wife by his side. (Note to Hubby Kip: If you EVER get caught cheating on me? I'll stand by your side, too. It's easier to castrate you that way.) Citing unnamedsources, NYC tabs estimate that Spitzer spent up to $80,000 on prostitutes—which includes the very Julia Roberts-ish "Kristen," who was paid $4,300 on one visit. Now, in Mr. Spitzer's defense, this "Kristen" person is absolutely the most adorable whore we've ever seen—and if we had $4,300 and were still a student at Brown (where we did the brunt of our homosexual experimentations)? We'd fuck her, too. (Calm down, Kip.) MEANWHILE... Let's check in on our old pal Girls Gone Wild founder and former king of all douchebags, Joe Francis. As you undoubtedly remember, Joe has been ass-up in prison for the last 11 months on a tax-evasion rap—but he was also charged with coercing two underage girls to bare their breasts for his series of icky DVDs. Today he pled "no contest" to the charge, though he still annoyingly proclaims his innocence. "The only reason I pleaded no contest was to get out of jail," whined the former soft-porn king, who still insists he's "100 percent innocent." Potentially wrecking young girls' lives in exchange for a hat or T-shirt isn't innocent, Joe. However, we are looking forward to your "Prisoners Go Wild on Joe Francis' Bottom" DVD. (P.S. Afterward, did they give you a T-shirt?)

THURSDAY, MARCH 13 Two good pieces of news regarding Britney Spears: (1) She's been given a guest spot on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother—which in and of itself, doesn't sound like very good news at all. However, one must admit that seeing Britney on a crappy CBS show trumps seeing her laughing maniacally while strapped to a gurney. (2) Britney's hillbilly pop Jamie Spears—who currently has complete control over Brit's business decisions—made a doozy of a decision this week, temporarily banning B's douchebag boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib, from the mansion! YES!!! Once again, this may not be good news for Britney, but it's FANTASTIC news for the rest of us who don't want that soul-patched dirtbag's sperm anywhere near Brit's flappy veej. (And we'll stop using those disgusting terms as soon as Papa Spears agrees to ban Ghalib for LIFE.)

FRIDAY, MARCH 14 "It's the best birthday party ever, ever, ever, ever, ever—and I mean EVER!" Tom Cruise giddily proclaims in a top-secret video obtained this week by The video documents Tom's 42nd(!) birthday party, which was held in 2004 onboard Freewinds, the cruise ship owned by (surprise!) the Cult Church of Scientology. The vid shows Cruise entering a party to the strains of a live band playing songs from Top Gun and Mission: Impossible. Cruise—clearly enjoying himself among throngs of fans/fellow brainwashees—laughs maniacally, claps his hands like a hyperactive two-year-old, and eventually jumps onstage and starts singing "Old Time Rock and Roll" and showing off some Risky Business dance moves. The Church of Scientology reportedly dropped six figures on the birthday bash—and while Cruise was obvs delighted, at least one high-ranking Scientology official wasn't pleased when he saw the video. "Oh, so THIS is the party everyone won't stop talking about," an obviously hurt Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII mumbled. "Hmph. I guess my holo-invitation must have been lost in the trans-galactic mail."

SATURDAY, MARCH 15 As we mentioned last week, Patrick Swayze has cancer, and reportedly only has weeks to live. But yesterday, the Daily Mail snagged a photo of Swayze puffing away on a cigarette, despite being on death's doorstep! That's right, Swayze! Puff away! In your face, Death!

SUNDAY, MARCH 16 Brace yourself, dear readers: Not one but three bits of depressing news today. First! Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan wrote in the Financial Times that America's current "financial crisis" will be "the most wrenching since the end of the second world war." DEPRESSING! Second! We're coming up on a record number in Iraq—very soon, we'll hit 4,000 US casualties. DEPRESSING! Third! Well, at least those 4,000 deaths have been for something, right? Think again: Iraqi al-Qaeda agents, which "did not exist as a coherent group before US troops invaded," are now "deadly active and likely to remain far into the future," the Associate Press reported. DEPRESSING! MEANWHILE... We hate going out on a down note, so let's close out the week with a bit of inspiration: Follow Swayze's example. Sure, everything might be going to hell in a hand basket—but do like Swayze does, and smoke 'em if you got 'em.