MONDAY, OCTOBER 9 Temper... TEMPER! The hoppin' town of Hollyweird has been extra touchy this week... so we're going to tread lightly, okay? Now, there could be many reasons why two cast members of the ABC hit Grey's Anatomy might want to strangle each other. One might be because they're on one of the most annoying television shows ever produced. Or it might be because it defies the laws of physics for two perfect specimens to occupy the same space at the same time. Regardless, the poopy hit the fan on the GA set when Patrick "Dr. McDreamy" Dempsey and Isaiah "Dr. McBlackPersony" Washington nearly came to blows. Apparently Washington was peeved about fellow cast members being late, and after he made a nasty remark, Dempsey jumped to his friends' defense. This resulted in Washington grabbing Dempsey by his highly attractive throat and shoving him across the room. (Sigh... reports like these always leave out the most important parts—like, were they shirtless? And exactly how sweaty were they?) MEANWHILE... It's common knowledge that singer/actress Barbra Streisand knows "entertainment." So if she's entertaining you—you'll sit there and BE ENTERTAINED. Otherwise... well... this could happen. Tonight, during one of her numerous farewell performances, the longtime Democratic supporter was "entertaining" the audience with a skit involving a George Bush impersonator who... surprise, surprise... acted very stupid. For example, when Babs asked the faux Bush how he felt about his approval ratings, he responded, "If I cared about polls, I would have run for President of Poland." (Unfortunately, that was the funniest joke.) Eventually the crowd tired of the routine, and someone heckled, "What is this, a fundraiser?" To which Babs replied, "Why don't you shut the fuck up?" She later apologized for her outburst, promising to cut the unfunny routine in time for her "Really Absolutely Final and This Time She Means It" tour in 2014.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10 Though it fills us with malicious glee to learn of, and then share, any knowledge of celebrity catfights, divorces, and name-calling, sometimes it's the headlines that really kill us. Take the following example, which is so wonderfully awesome, it's going in our gossip headline hall of fame:


At this point, the details of this story aren't very important, are they? The mental image of these two genetically perfect human beings freaking out while being pulled in a rickshaw is enough for us. But if you're really interested, the pair were in India working on some movie (whose name is the least important aspect of this story), and were set upon by "a horde of paparazzi." How much exactly is "a horde" these days? 200? 1,000? Anyway, let's just say there were A LOT, and the pair were forced to make an ineffective and hilarious escape in a rickshaw. And YES, they have rickshaws in India. And no, Indian paparazzi aren't very fast runners.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11 You want to know how to really creep a New Yorker out (the citizen, not the magazine)? Fly a plane into an apartment building one month to the day after the anniversary of September 11. It's even creepier when the pilot of the plane turns out to be New York Yankee pitcher, Corey Lidle. Though the hows and whys of this story are still sketchy, apparently Lidle was flying alongside his flying instructor when a problem ensued, causing him to crash the plane into a 52-story building on Manhattan's Upper East Side. Both were instantly killed, while only 21 onlookers were slightly injured. Creepier still? Lidle had spoken to the New York Times only last month, saying that Yankee fans shouldn't worry about losing one of their favorite pitchers in a plane crash. "The whole plane has a parachute on it," said the student pilot Lidle. "If you're up in the air and something goes wrong, you pull that parachute, and the whole plane goes down slowly." Maybe the information on locating this "parachute button" was covered in a later chapter.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12 In local gossip, hometown superstar-turned-reality-superstar Storm Large was unceremoniously dumped from the coming Rock Star: Supernova tour due to "financial reasons," according to the Oregonian. Included in the dumpage was Supernova fave and Icelandic homeboy Magni Asgeirsson, as well as the show's house band. As for those of us who watched Storm on the show, we could not be more relieved for her dismissal. Regardless of Tommy Lee's other endowments, we're fairly convinced that even his cooties have cooties. (Congrats to Storm for her single "Ladylike" weighing in at #5 on the Billboard Hot Singles list!)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13 America's Favorite Jew-Hatin' Drunk™, Mel Gibson, spoke today with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America—where he was kind enough to explain how he's the real victim of anti-Semitism. Just like everything else with Mel, it goes back to The Passion of the Christ. "Even before anyone saw a frame of film, for an entire year, I was subjected to a pretty brutal sort of public beating," Gibson whined. "I think I probably had my rights violated in many different ways as an American, as an artist, as a Christian, just as a human being." Oh, so that's what caused him to drunkenly insist that Jews caused "all the wars in the world"! "I think they're not blameless in the conflict," Gibson evasively answered when Sawyer asked what, exactly, Jews were responsible for. C'mon, Mel! You can do better than that! Here, take this Mai Tai. Put up your feet, and relax. Good? Good. Now, next time you're asked what Jews are responsible for, here's a good response: "My career... up until last year."

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14 The biggest obstacle to the war on terror? According to Canadian troops fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan, it's "impenetrable forests of 10-feet-high marijuana plants." Taliban fighters are "using the forests as cover," according to Canadian General Rick Hillier, who added that "You really have to be careful that the Taliban don't dodge in and out of those marijuana forests." Despite their legendary ingenuity, the Canucks are stumped, with Hillier noting that attempts to burn the forests down haven't worked. "A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those [forests] did catch on fire," an exasperated Hillier admitted as he took a swig from a bucket of maple syrup and brainstormed more ways to mispronounce "about." "But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects." Wait... something's not right about this story... Terrorists hiding in marijuana forests? Fair enough. Soldiers not wanting to get high? Well, maybe. Wait—Canada having an army? C'mon! That's preposterous!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15 While most celebrities either burn out or fade away, Bill Murray's living it up in Scotland. "Nobody could believe it when I arrived at the party with Bill Murray," said 22-year-old Norwegian student Lykke Stavnef—who, in addition to having an impossible-to-pronounce name, partied with the 56-year-old Murray and various other students this weekend in St. Andrews. Stavnef noted that Murray drank vodka out of a coffee mug and even stayed after the party to help do the dishes. Fellow partier Tom Wright noted that, aside from the party "overflowing with stunning Scandinavian blondes," Murray "seemed to be in his element, cracking lots of jokes." So, what have we learned this week? Apparently, aging actors have two choices: (1) Become a Jew-Hatin' Drunk and end up giving sanctimonious interviews to Diane Sawyer, or (2) go to Scotland, drink vodka out of coffee mugs, and hook up with nubile Scandinavian blondes. Yep. Keep on makin' those good choices, Mel.