MONDAY, MAY 19 Love continues to improve the smell of Tinselturd! As sickeningly reported last week in One Day, "romance" has replaced Ugg boots as the latest Hollyweird fashion. Take for example today, when a million teenage masturbatory fantasies were cruelly shattered after it was announced that hotsy-totsy Jessica Alba got secretly married. According to World Entertainment News, Jess and her no-name boytoy Cash Warren applied for a marriage license, and 40 minutes later exchanged vows at the Beverly Hills Courthouse. Not even the pair's family or friends were informed of the union until afterward—so you can just imagine how Hubby Kip felt. He and his buddies held a private ceremony this afternoon in our backyard, in which they burned their copies of Jessica's appearance in Playboy, and sobbed quietly in each other's arms. Well, at least it gets them out of the house. MEANWHILE... Well, here's an item that'll put you off your soup. As reported last week, Jennifer Aniston is ecstatic about her new BF John Mayer, mainly because he has a huge penis (allegedly). Now, if it ended there, that would be one thing... BUT SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. According to the National Enquirer, sources close to Jen say she's claiming that John is better in bed than both former hubster Brad Pitt and hairy-backed Neanderthal Vince Vaughn. "Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover," the source gushed. "In fact, she can't stop raving about his skills between the sheets." Umm... EWW! But yes, there's more. A source tells Star, "She is having the best sex of her life with John... and she's loving every minute of it!" Okay! EWWW! And yes, it gets worse! "According to the source," Star writes, "the singer covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps." EWWWWWWW!! One girl's "goosebumps" is another girl's "skin crawling"!

TUESDAY, MAY 20 It was election day here in Oregon, and not only did Portland elect its first openly gay mayor (AND the only gay mayor in any of the top 30 American cities... suck it, San Fran!), our state came out strong for the dreamboatiest of all dreamboats, Barack Obama, who defeated Hillary Clinton 54 percent to 41 percent. Now that everyone (except Hillary, of course) realizes that Obama is going to be the Democratic nominee, it's time for him to select a vice president... and though we realize Obama doesn't always return our phone messages, emails, and texts, we do feel he listens to our opinion on such matters. Therefore, if Obama is looking for the absolute perfect running mate, only one name will automatically vault him into the White House: And that name is George... Clooney. (Oh, c'mon! Like you were surprised?) MEANWHILE... In very sad news, Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. And while this has inspired an outpouring of condolences from both sides of the aisle, you can always count on at least one right-wing dickweed to say something stupid. This time it was conservative radio host Michael Savage, who put together a "funny" little skit that included the Arnold Schwarzenegger Kindergarten Cop phrase, "It's not a tumor," and ended with a song from the Dead Kennedys. Locally, Savage appears on 750 KXL, whose number is 503-243-7595—just in case you want to tell them how HILARIOUS Savage is.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21 Speaking of funny cancer jokes, the already deteriorated relationship between Charlie Sheen and ex-wifey Denise Richards has somehow managed to deteriorate even further! The two have been waging an all-out war with each other in the press, and this week, Charlie accused Denise of sending an email to his fiancée asking for some of Sheen's sperm so she could impregnate herself. Naturally, Denise denied the accusation to the New York Post, using the infallible logic, "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm." (Hey... that wouldn't be a bad title for a Broadway musical.) Then, after Denise allegedly sent Charlie a text message asking if he'd like to attend their daughter's "Family Day" at school, he allegedly responded, "I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom [who also died of cancer]. Rot in hell you fucking whore." See, now we think these two crazy kids really love each other and should give it just one more chance. (Just don't mention "Family Day" again, okay?)

THURSDAY, MAY 22 Meanwhile, Justin Timberlake is supposedly marrying that slut Jessica Biel. Now if you'll excuse us, our friends and ourselves will be in the backyard, burning our 2006, 2007, and 2008 Justin Timberlake swimsuit calendars, and sobbing quietly in each other's arms.

FRIDAY, MAY 23 In cheerier news, remember when two little words—"Lindsay" and "Lohan"—could keep this column going for weeks? Whether she was drunkenly stealing SUVs or drunkenly feuding with Paris Hilton (we think of those halcyon days as "The Firecrotch Years"), Linds was always up to something! So let's check in with her and see what's up: At a bar last week, Lohan's DJ friend Samantha Ronson reportedlyplayed Lindsay's new single, "Bossy"—amove which, according to thealways-reliable National Enquirer, sent "Linds into a frenzy," with the starlet jumping onto a couch, dancing, and lip-syncing, to the derision of her fellow clubbers. All that we have to say about this dismal affair? Lindsay, we are very, very disappointed. Next time, put a little effort into it! Are you even trying to commandeer SUVs anymore? MEANWHILE... Brangelina continued to lead their ludicrously charmed lives this week by buying a $60 million French estate. According to E!, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new home boasts "35 bedrooms, plus a vineyard, lake, forest, and moat." "It's called Chateau Miraval in a village called Brignol, which is near Aix-en-Provence," an incredibly pretentious source told E! between nibbles of brie and sips of pinot. We're sure we'll get our Evite for the housewarming soon, dear readers—we'll keep you in the loop with deets!

SATURDAY, MAY 24 This week's installment of real (i.e., "depressing") news kicks off with the world's richest man musing on the current state of the US economy. In an interview, investor Warren Buffett stated that the current recession "will be deeper and last longer than many think." (Jimmy Buffett could not be reached for comment, though he's reportedly "quite troubled" by the uncertainty around margarita futures.) MEANWHILE... Thanks to the fact that gasoline now costs a couple of million dollars a gallon, this week airlines raised their ticket prices, by up to $60. Here's hoping Ang and Brad are picking up our airfare to France! MEANWHILE... "It is very disturbing if talented directors want to provoke a new Cold War," communist lawmaker Andrei Andreyev threatened from Moscow this weekend, following the Russian Communist Party's call for a boycott of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. According to the Associated Press, Russian commies feel the film "aims to undermine communist ideology and distort history," and they're none too pleased with Cate Blanchett's portrayal of a foxy psychic/dominatrix/KGB agent. Trust us, comrades—Hubby Kip dragged us to see Harrison Ford wobble about like an Alzheimer's victim for two hours, and in terms of people taking anything in the film seriously? You have nothing to worry about. (On the upside, the flick did keep Kip from getting all mopey about Jessica Alba for a few hours, so we'll likely be seeing it again next weekend. Sigh.)

SUNDAY, MAY 25 Hillary Clinton is still running for president (assuming that by "running for president" one means "doing a fantastic job of confusing and angering just about everyone")! The Associated Press reported today that Clinton is still calling for another debate between herself and Barack Obama—and now she's even begging for it to happen in Puerto Rico. Says the AP: "[Clinton] continued her plea in Penuelas, Puerto Rico, standing outside a restaurant while less than 100 people gathered on a dirt walkway." (Oh, sorry—there's been an error. This item should have been filed under yesterday's installment of depressing news. Our bad!)