MONDAY, OCTOBER 30 God, can we just be done with Kevin Federline already? We're sorry. Mondays are lousy enough without K.Fed's inane ramblings and peach-fuzz stubble. But no, we can't be done with him yet, because well, this is just too embarrassing not to write about: K.Fed's plans for a big nationwide tour are vanishing faster than his wife's neck. According to veritable gossip rag the New York Post, K.Fed's New York concert will likely be cancelled due to "lack of interest"—just as his show in Cleveland was. Tickets are only $20, which we'd totally pay if we hadn't bought that gorgeous Bottega Veneta purse over the weekend. How often do you get to see a train wreck? For only $20? Totally worth it. MEANWHILE... Today St. Louis nabbed the questionable honor of being the most dangerous city in the US. According to the FBI, the city's violent crime surged 20 percent in the past year. Sure, that's bad news for St. Louis—but it might be a handy solution for the rest of us... particularly those of us who write a certain gossip column. Hey, K.Fed! We hear a new concert date just opened up! Yep! Sold out! They love you there. Here, take this plane ticket. Gig's somewhere in Missouri. That's all we know. Enjoy the trip!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31 Just in case anyone's keeping track, Bob Barker is the creepiest man alive. The 82-year-old host of The Price Is Right has been giving everybody the willies for 35 years, what with his creepy thin microphone and his creepy sex scandals with "Barker's Beauties." But no more! Creepy McCreeperson's retiring! "I've gone on and on and on to this ancient age because I've enjoyed it," Barker said as he stirred a glass of Metamucil with one hand and groped the ass of an 18-year-old wannabe starlet with the other. "I've thoroughly enjoyed it and I'm going to miss it." (Just to clarify: He'll miss grabbing the asses of 18-year-old wannabe starlets, not hosting a lame game show nobody's watched for 20 years.) Barker added that he'd think about taking a role in a movie, with one caveat: "I refuse to do nude scenes," he said, smirking as he tweaked another poor girl's nipple. "These Hollywood producers want to capitalize on my obvious sexuality, but I don't want to be just another beautiful body." Wait... wha... was that a joke? Did Bob Barker just make a joke? Why, that's actually rather clever an—hey, wait a sec. That's not a joke! That's just Bob Barker trying to trick us into picturing him naked! What a perv. Eughh.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 1 God, we hate Halloween. Last night Kip insisted on dressing up as Mike Ditka, and whenever some poor kid in a Paris Hilton costume came trick or treating, he insisted on "trading" with them—before he'd give them a roll of Smarties, he'd take one of their fun-size Snickers, or, if pressed, a Butterfinger. He was up on a sugar high until three am. (We, by the way, dressed up as an incredibly witty gossip writer who just wanted to sip on a gin and tonic and watch E!, and one who was not amused by the fact her hyperactive, falsely mustachioed husband kept shouting "Da Bears!", kept trying to get frisky, and wouldn't leave her alone for two damn seconds, thankyouverymuch.) We're going to skip Halloween next year. But it was all okay, since we got to wake up to the image of meat-hunk Brad Pitt... in his boxers... dripping wet. Yep, that's how our dear, dreamy Brad appears on the cover of the latest Vanity Fair. So why does Brad have to ruin it all? "We are very disappointed that Vanity Fair has chosen to put an unauthorized cover on their magazine," sniffed Brad's no-fun publicist. Poor widdle Brad insists that he had no idea Vanity Fair was using the image. Okay, whatever, Brad. We just want to look at the picture. And maybe frame it. C'mon, Brad—in return, we'll pretend to be interested the next time you blather on about how bad things are for poor people in Africa, and we'll try not to roll our eyes the next time you see some little kid in Namibia and decide it'd be the perfect present for Angie. Deal?

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Since African kids are the season's hottest new accessories (wouldn't one look adorable with its head poking out of that Bottega Veneta?), Madonna lashed out at her critics yesterday. Madonna told The View refugee (and now supposedly legit reporter) Meredith Vieira how she's the real victim of all the bad press surrounding her adoption of David, a one-year-old from Malawi, blaming the bad press on people's "desire to have distractions and to be consumed with people's personal lives and gossip" (whatever that means). "I don't live in a white world," Madonna proclaimed, shortly after insinuating that anyone who didn't support her adoption was a racist. "I live in the world. My children are exposed to all cultures and all races and many belief systems." Okay, sure. So why's David already shackled with one of those stupid Kabbalah bracelets? Well, Madonna didn't really have an answer to that. But she's pretty sure you're a racist.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3 Truth be told, there's only one thing we really, really want: an atom bomb. Oh, no—not to use or anything. No, just to have. You know... just in case. So it's too bad we were Googling for a specific Vanity Fair cover yesterday instead of surfing toward—since the federal government accidentally posted a guide on how to build an atom bomb. According to The New York Times, in their efforts to justify the war on Iraq, Republicans have been posting "a vast archive of Iraqi documents captured during the war." Before the government hurriedly pulled the pages, about a dozen of those documents "gave detailed information on how to build nuclear firing circuits and triggering explosives, as well as the radioactive cores of atom bombs." And to think we were confident about fending off Saks' crowds with one measly Molotov cocktail.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Leading to roughly a billion "The doctor is out!" jokes, today it turned out that Doogie Howser is gay. "I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions and am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest," once-adorable Doogie Howser, M.D. star Neil Patrick Harris told People magazine. (Apparently, "living life to the fullest" means showing up on crappy CBS sitcoms and struggling to keep your cool while strangers call you "The Doog.") Okay, Harris coming out isn't exactly earth-shattering news—but since *NSync's Lance Bass just came out via People too, can we rename People magazine to Hey, Remember Me? I'm a Vaguely Familiar Celebrity Who You've Always Suspected Was Gay, But I've Been Denying it for Years, Yet My Beleaguered Manager Just Informed Me That My Career's Nose-diving Toward Hollywood Squares Territory, So, Yes, Now That You Mention It, I'm Totally Gay! magazine? Trust us, it's punchier. And circulation will go through the roof the next time you give Chuck Norris and Burt Reynolds the cover.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Speaking of vaguely familiar celebrities, today Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death by an Iraqi special tribunal. The New York Times reported that Saddam has been convicted of "crimes against humanity" and is sentenced to death by hanging. Crazy ol' Saddam wasn't having any of that, though, as he shouted, "Long live the people! Long live the Arab nation! Down with spies!" before pointing in the air and repeatedly screaming, "God is great!" (And to think Saddam's seventh grade drama teacher only gave him a C+.) Trying to calm him down, Judge Raouf Rasheed Abdul Rahman told Saddam, "There's no point" to protesting the verdict. Huh. "No point," eh, judge? Reminds us of something else... something having to do with Iraq... something else with no real point... oh, right. Right. Operation Iraqi Freedom.