MONDAY, JULY 7 Hope you like placenta—because One Day is bringing you a baby-birthing bonanza! Now, as we all know, giving birth is NOT a competition (even though it really is). And while Angelina Jolie may have intended on squirting out her twins first, she was beaten to the punch by both Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey (or to be more specific, the girl Matthew McConaughey impregnated). Nicole was the first to deliver, ejecting a six pound, 7.5 ounce baby girl named Sunday Rose, and a one pound, 2 ounce slab of placenta named Thursday Cauliflower. Okay, fine. She didn't name the placenta. (Though we wouldn't be surprised if the placenta had it's own color-coordinated nursery.) SOON AFTER... That nameless girl who's been housing Matthew McConaughey's sperm also gave birth, to a bouncing baby boy (who, if Matt's genes are any indication already has six-pack abs). The child's unfortunate name is "Levi Alves McConaughey," and according to Matt, "Levi was another name for the apostle Matthew in the Bible." And it's also a name for a pair of jeans Matthew sometimes wears. SO WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE STUPID BABY NAMES? Let's turn to the expert in this topic, Chris "Coldplay" Martin who, along with wifey Gwyneth Paltrow, inexplicably named their children "Apple" and "Moses." "People make a big fuss over names," Chris opined to Blender magazine. "There's nothing weird about calling your baby Chewbacca if that's what you want. It's no stranger than Sarah." Actually... calling your child "Chewbacca" IS stranger than "Sarah"—unless she happens to be co-piloting the Millennium Falcon and is covered in fur. (Well, she is Gwyneth Paltrow's kid! Buuurrrrnnn.)
TUESDAY, JULY 8 As you surely remember from last week, One Day read like the trashiest of Jacqueline Susann novels when we reported that Madonna was accused of boning New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez, Alex's wife Cindy was accused of boning failed rocker Lenny Kravitz, and Madonna's hubby Guy Ritchie was accused of boning Sting's wife. (Sting was apparently too busy playing a Police reunion show at the Amphitheater at Clark County to notice.) Anyway, for the record, EVERYBODY DENIES BONING ANYBODY. However, denials don't stop tongues from wagging! According to Cindy Rodriguez's divorce lawyer, hubby Alex may not have given Madonna his penis, but he did offer her another vital organ: "his heart." AWWWWWWWWW! Attorney Earle Lilly told People, "Some people categorize an affair as something as sexual infidelity. We're not claiming that. It's an affair of the heart." Meanwhile, Us magazine reports that Alex told a pal that he's "in love" with Her Cougar-ness, and that Madonna's "my fucking soulmate, dude." Therefore, from this point on, we'll assume the relationship between A-Rod and M-Donna is nothing other than a deep, spiritual, Kabbalah-ish, non-penetrative romance. Does that explain why Alex missed a bunch of baseball games due to a mysterious "groin pull" injury, coincidentally while Madonna was in town? Yes. Because as we ladies know, a man's groin and his heart are practically interchangeable.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 9 Bad news for us blind followers of Barack Obama: He totes voted for President Bush's pet spy project bill. The bill, which won final congressional approval today, grants immunity to telecommunication companies who allowed our government to spy on Americans suspected of terror activities—and without a warrant. Naturally, this is bullshit. And yet, our presidential dreamboat Barack Obama supported Bush's fiendish plan. Here's how Obama defended his position: "The ability to monitor and track individuals who want to attack the United States is a vital counter-terrorism tool, and I'm persuaded that it is necessary to keep the American people safe—particularly since certain electronic surveillance orders will begin to expire later this summer. Given the choice between voting for an improved yet imperfect bill, and losing important surveillance tools, I've chosen to support the current compromise." However, Glenn Greenwald—a civil liberties activist—took apart Obama's defense. "The current law results in virtually no denials of any spying requests," Greenwald argued. "So how can Obama—echoing the Bush administration—claim a new law is needed to provide 'the authority to collect the intelligence we need to protect the American people' when the current FISA law already provides that?" You may be a dreamboat, Barack, and we're still giving you our vote—but tonight? You're sleeping on the couch.
THURSDAY, JULY 10 Remember Sarah Larson? The admittedly gorgeous trollop/harpy/slut who broke our heart by proxy when she dated George Clooney, but was later unceremoniously dumped, much to our delight? Well, today she showed her true colors by admitting she cashed in big from the relationship. At one time a Vegas barmaid, since the split Larson has been hired for a string of big-time modeling assignments, and is the new face for fashion designer Christian Audigier's current line. "I'm very happy with how things are now," Sarah gushed about her life post-George. "Doors have opened, and I have no complaints. I make good money, I have a house, I have all the things I've always wanted." Yeah, but YOU DON'T HAVE GEORGE, do you, ho-bag? Ha. Ha. HA! Sucks to be you, doesn't it? And yes... it sucks to be us, as well. Please George! Just one lunch is all we ask! (Don't worry, folks... Hubby Kip loves it when we beg.)
FRIDAY, JULY 11 Today saw the launch of Lindsay Lohan's line of leggings. Designed by Linds herself—who apparently never got the memo that no one has worn leggings since Don Johnson was popular—they come in black and metallic gold, and get this! One $132 pair features "quilted leather knee patches." In other words, kneepads. We know what you're thinking, Hubby Kip—but not even George Clooney gets that kind of treatment.
SATURDAY, JULY 12 Today Brangelina FINALLY squeezed out two more kids, after what seemed like a gestation period of five years. But enough congratulations, let's talk moolah: According to TMZ.com, the bidding for the rights to print the baby photos is at $16 million—with a caveat that whoever runs the photos is forbidden from referring to the couple as "Brangelina." "Muliple sources tell us the couple hates the moniker," TMZ explains. Guess what, Brangelina? We're gonna keep calling you Brangelina, Brangelina, and there's nothing your genetically perfect selves can do about it, Brangelina. (Besides, "Brangelina" isn't even that bad of a name, Brangelina! Just ask that one chubby girl we made fun of in junior high: Helena Penith.)
SUNDAY, JULY 13 The current cover for The New Yorker features the ever-dreamy Barack Obama standing in the Oval Office. No problem, right? Well... in the caricature, Obama is dressed as a Muslim, and he's fist-bumping his wife Michelle, who has an afro and is dressed as a Black Panther, and a picture of Osama bin Laden is hanging on the wall, while an American flag burns in the fireplace. If you ask us, Barry Blitt's cover—titled "The Politics of Fear"—does a bang-up job of lampooning how conservatives have portrayed Obama, but not everyone's seeing it that way: Obama's humorless campaign has called the image "tasteless and offensive," while persnickety supporters got their Obama-branded panties in a bunch by calling the cover "disgusting." New Yorker Editor David Remnick—apparently the only sane person on the planet—tried to point out the obvious: "It's not a satire about Obama," he told The Huffington Post. "It's a satire about the distortions and misconceptions and prejudices about Obama." See, there's your first mistake, Dave: assuming America's voting public has enough wits to separate the two. In a related story, Fox News is now using the cover as "photographic evidence" that "proves everything we've been saying about Obama all along. McCain 2008!" And just like that, our hopes for a dreamy Obama presidency come to an end.