MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10 It's time once again for our semi-regular feature, "LOL LiLo!" in which recovering drunkaholic, part-time lesborific pop-tartlet Lindsay Lohan steps out into public and proceeds to be unintentionally hilarious (and sometimes racist). Today Lindsay inched ever closer to admitting her true sexuality in an interview with Harper's Bazaar. Admitting she was probably a bisexual, she was then asked if she had ever "been" with a woman before hooking up with DJ Samantha Ronson, to which LiLo responded, "I don't know... maybe." Wait... MAYBE? While this seems to be a simple yes/no question, perhaps Harper's could've been a bit more specific. For example: "Lindsay, before dating SamRo, did you or did you not ever fall face first into a woman's vaheena? One Day readers await your prompt response." MEANWHILE... As you undoubtedly recall, during the past election cycle Lindsay has become One Day at a Time's chief political correspondent (of sorts), blogging the shit out of her opinions on her personal webpage. Unfortunately, Lindsay embroiled herself in a serious political controversy today, and it obviously comes down to us to defend her—since she's incapable of defending herself. In an interview with Access Hollywood, interviewer Maria Menounos asked how Lindsay felt about Obama's Election Day victory. "It was really exciting," LiLo responded. "It's an amazing feeling. It's our first colored president." Uh... oh. (Quick! Get us a lying publicist... stat!! What do you mean "none are available"? Ulp!) Ummm... so... in Lindsay's defense, she obviously did not mean "colored" in a derogatory old-timey "civil war" racist sort of way. What she clearly meant was that... that... well, President-Elect Obama IS a person of color... and that he does have a more pronounced "coloring" than, say, John McCain... and... and... oh, the hell with this. We're outta here! Lindsay—you're on your own!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11 After years of keeping her mouth shut, horse-faced actress Jennifer Aniston finally removed the bridle and spoke out against that husband-stealing, collagen-infused trollop Angelina Jolie. In the December issue of Vogue, Aniston stomped her hooves in fury over the fact that Jolie once provided reporters with a detailed timeline of how she fell in love with Brad Pitt (Jen's ex) on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. "There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening," Aniston said. "That stuff about how she couldn't wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool." In response to Aniston's outburst, Jolie shot back, "Did you really just say 'uncool'? What are you? In junior high? In that case, let me talk to you in a language you might understand. BOOM! I got your man, Seabiscuit! Now why don't you go eat a carrot." (Oh, sweet lord, how we wish Angelina had actually said that.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12 A consortium of Roman Catholic bishops has vowed to stand up to the Obama administration over its support of a woman's right to choose abortion, and to do whatever it takes to protect their religious beliefs. (And if this means molesting 30 percent more choirboys... then so be it!) MEANWHILE... Though California bigots came out in droves to support Proposition 8—a clearly discriminatory law that revokes gays' and lesbians' right to marry—courts in Connecticut ruled today to allow same-sex marriages, making them the second state in the union (along with Massachusetts) to have a conscience. And while hundreds of thousands of supporters have been speaking out against the inequity of Prop 8—the dreamiest gay rights booster of all has to be Mr. George Clooney! EEEEEEEE! Here's what he had to say: "At some point in our lifetime, gay marriage won't be an issue, and everyone who stood against this civil right will look as outdated as George Wallace standing on the school steps keeping James Hood from entering the University of Alabama because he was black." Sigh. Is it possible to have a brain-gasm?
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 13 According to this week's National Enquirer, John McCain's wife Cindy was caught sucking face with a middle-aged man wearing a ponytail at a Moody Blues concert. Even worse, John McCain is too pathetic to realize how pathetic this scenario is.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14 A rough week for Lindsay Lohan got even worse today, when some jerky hippie from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) decided to pelt Linds with flour! (Yes, flour.) Linds was heading into a Paris nightclub wearing a black fur stole (hippies hate those!) when PETA activists threw flour at her, causing Linds to look appropriately bewildered and shocked. Linds' not-so-girly girlfriend Samantha Ronson quickly hopped onto MySpace to defend her beloved. "It's a pity that some groups feel the need to assault people as opposed to fighting with words," Ronson furiously blogged. "Whenever I feel the need to vent about something that feels unfair to me I reach for my computer." (Exactly, Sam! Us too! And when we really need to vent, we reach for our computer and then throw it at Hubby Kip.) Ronson continued, "I think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. Nice job, lady." Yeah, hippie! What Samantha Ronson said!
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15 The AP reports that in the wake of Obama's election, there's been a surge of hate crimes: Second- and third-grade students in Idaho chanted "assassinate Obama" on a school bus; crosses were lit on fire in the yards of Obama supporters in Maine and Pennsylvania; and swastikas and slurs were spray painted in Los Angeles. MEANWHILE... In other news about hate speech (though this, thank god, is a bit less-terminally depressing), that hussy Scarlett Johansson is talking smack about our beleaguered Lindsay Lohan! Allure magazine asked ScarJo about an incident a few years ago, when LiLo reportedly wrote a nasty word (specifically one that starts with "c" and ends with "unt") about Scarlett on a bathroom wall. "I really don't know that person. I only met her, like, three times," Scarlett dismissively scoffed. First, Scarlett, everyone knows Lindsay. Second, if what we've heard is any indication, Lindsay probably had a very good reason for calling you the c-bomb! And third, there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal! Nice job, lady! (Okay, so maybe that last one didn't make sense... but you get our point, Scarlett! Why won't you and your hippie friends leave our Lindsay alone?)
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16 Today burned-out musician/terrible mother Courtney Love discovered blogging! And how did she use her newfound power? Well, obvs, she logged onto MySpace, accused her housekeeper of stealing a bunch of her clothes, and then went on to post more than 60 times in the space of a few hours, obsessively cataloging every piece of clothing that was stolen, marking her "current mood" as everything from "fascinated" to "suicidal depression in the midst of opulence" to "cooky/wacky," and rambling incoherently. Buckle up before reading the following excerpt, dears: "then all these thought sdissapated in a BLAST of this dress, the first i bleiev was cherry tomato but they went by so fast, and wee gone faster than boo, i have fortunys if i wore them im la some idiot would say i looked 'bizarre' like when i wore the rarest ossie/celia dress w noel." Frankly, we don't know what to make of that, so we'll just sum up this week with some One Day at a Time Life Lessons™: (1) Jennifer Aniston not only looks like Eeyore, but is roughly as depressing! (2) Racists, Catholics, and Idaho schoolchildren hate Obama! (3) People shouldn't waste flour, and (4) No matter how desperately you need work in this trying economic climate, do not respond to Courtney Love's classified ad for a new housekeeper.