[Hello, sweet readers! If there was a single trend that encapsulated 2006, it would have to be the vagina, and all things that come from within. So enjoy this walk down memory lane in a column we like to call "2006, the Year of the VA-HEENA!"—Ann Romano]
MONDAY, JANUARY 2 Hollyweird tongues are in full "wag" mode over recent reports that a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie wedding is right around the corner, to be quickly followed by a baby hopping out of Angelina's "vagilina." According to Britain's Daily Mirror, in order to become a co-adopter of Angelina's current brood (Maddox and Zahara), Brad's been petitioning the courts and swearing up and down he has every intention of making an "honest" woman out of Jolie. HA!!! FAT CHANCE. But in between legal wrangling, Brad has obviously found time for sexual wrangling as well, as reports are beginning to pop that Jolie is beginning to show a "pregnancy bump." Ugh. We really hate that phrase; always reminds us of genital warts. Something else that creeps us out is two so-called genetically "perfect" people like Brangelina having a baby. You just know something's going to go wrong, and the kid will have teeth growing out the back of its head. Or ACNE! Whichever's worse.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Three cheers for in vitro fertilization! A 62-year-old California woman gave birth today to a healthy bouncing baby boy, via C-section. (Perfectly understandable; when you get that old, the vagina gets a little dry.) It all went smoothly considering the woman is diabetic and a great-grandmother. The woman, who now has birthed an even dozen, wanted to have the baby so her 3½-year-old (also in vitro) would have a buddy. She is one of the oldest women in the world to successfully convince her withered uterus to hold a kid for nine months. Now, we're all for old movie stars and models having babies into their 40s and 50s, because they gave up their fertile years to entertain us. But that California woman? If she needs something to put an outfit on, how about a pet Chihuahua?
MONDAY, MARCH 27 Note to the soon-to-be-giving-birth Katie Holmes: SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH. That's the inferred instructions from those wacky Scientologists, who believe than any loud wailing or moaning during the birth process can traumatize the child (or annoy an important movie star like Tom Cruise). In fact, some Scientologist pals were spotted carrying large signs into TomKat's home, which are obviously intended to remind the former Dawson's Crackpot to shut her big yap during childbirth. The placards read, "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable." What's next? A ball gag? "There have been misinterpretations that the woman can't make any noise, and that's just not true... just calm and quiet," said toothy Tom. Actually, the placards do say, "Be silent" which is a far cry from "calm and quiet." It's also been reported that Katie will also have "to refuse painkillers, and can expect few words of comfort because those at the birth are also expected to be quiet." Fine. So maybe Tom can start NOW?
SUNDAY, APRIL 16 Celebrity home wreckers Angie and Brad are reportedly considering having their baby in Namibia. As in Africa. Because why get the best medical care in the world just because you can afford it? Putting the welfare of the mother and baby first—that's something Jen might do, not Angie. Angie's thinking big. She's thinking Gross National Product. Just imagine the impact Angie's foreign delivery might have on a developing country. Think of the maternity tourism! She has her baby in Namibia, and (assuming the baby lives) Western women begin to flock there for their own African-style births. Soon women start faking pregnancies to get Namibian visas. Namibia has to close its border. Pregnant American women are up in arms, demanding access to elite Namibian healthcare. The US attacks to protect our interest in their maternity infrastructure. The country crumbles. We occupy it. Angie gives birth to the next child in Oaxaca. Rinse and repeat.
TUESDAY, APRIL 18 In case you've been in a self-induced coma for the last week (and who could blame you?), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their baby today. The bouncing baby girl weighed in at 7 pounds, 7 ounces and is named "Suri"—which has been reported to mean anything from "Princess" in Hebrew, "Red Rose" in Persian, "Pickpocket" in Japanese, or a bastardization of Surrey, England where Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard lived. Apparently, the name Emperor Klaktu of the planet Zinthflog was already taken.
MONDAY, MAY 15 After last week's brouhaha between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, Paris pal Brandon Davis has turned up the heat! Who's Brandon Davis? He's dated The O.C.'s Mischa Barton, and he's also a fat, foul-mouthed prick. While club-hopping with Paris, the paparazzi asked the duo what they thought of Lindsay. Brandon responded by calling the redheaded Lohan a "fire crotch"—no less than 10 times. He also spoke ill of her film career, and her lack of wealth; rolling his eyes at the fact she's only "worth $7 million, which means she's really poor." Whoops. Time for damage control! "The person making the statements was not Paris Hilton," said panicked Paris publicist Elliot Mintz. How did Lindsay respond to this obscenity-laced slight? By immediately hanging out with former Brandon flame Mischa Barton, and cramming her tongue down former Hilton boytoy Stavros Niarchos' throat. (Honey, if you were digging around down there for some dignity, you might want to look elsewhere.)
SATURDAY, MAY 27 Breaking news: Brad and Angie have delivered unto the world the universe's tiniest sex symbol, and the most famous Namibian ever. They named their daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Angie gave birth at the Cottage Hospital in Swakopmund, and if she doesn't die from an infection in the next week, the Cottage should see their patient base go up considerably. Time for that new celebrity maternity wing!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 For those of you who think Britney Spears is simply a baby-producing hillbilly—well, you're right. However, the former pop idol did prove that she is capable of making one good parenting decision... by NOT having her newest baby on 9/11! This morning at 2 am, doctors yanked out the newest member of Britney's brood via Caesarean section—a six-pound, 11-ounce baby boy. And since Caesareans have to be scheduled, that means Britney consciously made the wise decision to have her baby on September 12, rather than September 11—which is THE MOST DEPRESSING DAY OF THE YEAR. Unless of course, you enjoy birthday parties where kids are riding ponies and openly weeping.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27 There's a new terrible trio hitting the clubs in Hollyweird, folks! And of course we're talking about Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Britney Spears' VAGINA. (Or "Va-heena" as our Hubby Kip likes to annoyingly call it.) After the very public and long overdue bust-up with K.Fed, Britney decided to turn over a new leaf—but why on God's green earth does it need to be with Paris Hilton?? And why does it involve flashing her va-heena? You think we're joking, but we're not. There were three separate incidents of va-heena flashing this week—each one more disgusting than the last. And this is coming from someone who owns a va-heena! Though we didn't want to look at Britney's va-heena, it's kind of our job, right? And while we refuse to show you the most offensive of the photos, just take it from us when we say it looked like a plucked turkey (if the turkey had undergone a Caesarean). EWW!