by Vinnie "Three Chin" DiMarco

So this mook, this fuckin' tin peddler, walks up to our table at Sal's joint over in Little Italy, right? And this bum fuck sonofabitch strolls right up to Frankie "The Gooch" Guichioni and actually tries to sell him a fuckin' watch! Like he's never heard of the Gooch! This guy's a made man, right? You don't fuckin' try to push a cheap Canal Street knockoff on a boss! Last time somebody tried to get over on the Gooch, the asshole took a dirt nap off the Jersey turnpike.

"Anyways! So, the gooch looks at this yobbo thinkin'... what? Is this guy some sort of fuckin' goat stick job? Feggediboudit! By now, this putz knows he's in a pinch, right? But instead of beating the bricks, the yegg actually had the pellini to turn to Mrs. Gooch, and offer her one of his cheapos on the cuff! So the Gooch is way past ready to blow his stack, right? But before he can put a hole in the wheeze, Rico "Rat Fuck" Rattafucco chimes in with, 'Heeey, goon. I'll sport one of them tickers.' and takes him out back. So it's twenty minutes later, and Rico walks back in, carrying this asshole's bloody hand, with a cheap watch still on the wrist! And looking down at it, he says to everybody, 'Heeeey, that fucking chump robbed me--the SECOND HAND doesn't work!' BADDA-BOOM!"

(Vinnie "Three Chin" DiMarco is a New York humorist and a regular contributor to Vanity Fair. --eds.)