choose your own adventure

Wiping blood from your hands and intestines from your jeans, you start to look around at the prehistoric paradise around you. In the distance, a brachiosaur calls. Off to your right, massive palm trees swing in the breeze. Suddenly, you slip in the gore underneath your feet. Landing hard on your back, you wince—something's definitely wrong with your back! "Forget about Smitty's stupid cat!" you think, hitting the time portal button on the gun. "I've got to find someone to fix my back! Man oh man, it hurts like the dickens!"

Quickly, click here.

To go back, click here.

Every time I watch ESPN or Spike TV I see these commercials for Enzyte "natural male enhancement." Does that shit actually work? Not that I'm small or anything, but I'm a divorced, middle-aged, chain-smoking, overweight single guy that lives in a trailer park. The only girls I can get are the crack whores that live here (of which there are tons). I'd love to land a normal woman but don't know what to do. I figure a few more inches downstairs wouldn't hurt.

Wants A Big One

Are those awful Enzyte commercials still on TV?

Look, WABO, if you live in a trailer park you can't afford to take an Enzyte pill every day. Even if they made your dick bigger—which they don't—they're expensive. While Enzyte commercials, built around a grinning idiot named Bob, strongly imply that taking the pills made Bob's dick bigger (Bob, after Enzyte, is "living large"), the company's own website is careful to stress that these pills, which are herbal supplements, don't make your dick any bigger. So what do they do? They "may help your body achieve fuller, stronger erections" because the pills are "designed to help maintain blood flow and create firmer, fuller-feeling erections." They're not promising you a bigger dick, just better circulation.

And improving your circulation is something you can do for free. Quit smoking and get some exercise, WABO, and that "may help" you achieve "fuller-feeling erections."

When it's explained to miserable, small-dicked men that pills won't make their dicks any bigger, most ask if surgery will help. Sorry, no. In a little bit of bad news released, cruelly enough, on Valentine's Day of this year, researchers in London said that most men who have penis-enlargement surgery are not satisfied with the results.

"For patients with psychological concern about the size of the penis," Nim Christopher, a urologist at St. Peter's Andrology Center in London told Reuters, "there is little point in offering them surgery because it makes no difference." And if what you're after is a "few more inches," WABO, even surgery can't help you. "The average increase in length is 1.3 centimeters (.5 inches), which isn't very much, and the dissatisfaction rate was in excess of 70 percent," Dr. Christopher told Reuters, before adding that the spam advertising penis-enlargement surgery gave men unrealistic expectations.

Guys: The pills don't work, the surgery doesn't work—nothing works.

Got a small dick? Accept what you've got, guys, learn to use it to maximum advantage, refuse to apologize for it, and don't waste money or mental energy on pills or surgery. Once you've reconciled yourself to the meat God gave you, ask yourself these questions: How thick are my fingers? How big are my forearms? How long is my tongue? Big cocks are nice, they have their fans, but make the most of what you do have.

This is not really a question about sex, but I couldn't think of any other gay person who could give me a reasonable answer: Am I a homophobe if I make certain jokes regarding gayness? For instance, if I say, "The Olympics are gay," or ask, "Why are you so gay?" I don't feel as though I'm a homophobe. I know and like gay people and I'm for gay civil rights and gay marriage. Also, if I hear somebody call a homosexual person names in an angry or blatantly derogatory manner I get upset. So can I call my buddy gay if he tells me he uploaded a Phil Collins CD onto his computer, or should I just call him a dumbshit instead?

Fine With Fags, Really

Officially, FWFR? It's so not okay to use "gay" as a synonym for lame. When you use "gay" like that, you're reinforcing a cultural prejudice against gay people—I mean duh, right? You may not be a homophobe, but using that expression is homophobic, and when you use it you're helping to sustain the prejudice that deprives your gay friends of their civil rights and marriage rights.

Unofficially, FWFR? I don't care what you do. Most of the gay people I know use "that's so gay" the same way you do, and the few times I've overheard strangers using the expression, people who may or may not have been gay, I had to concede the point: The thing they were tagging as so gay was, in fact, so gay.

Finally, FWFR, a buddy who uploads a Phil Collins CD onto his computer isn't a dumbshit, he's a douchebag. Please make a note of it.

I am a woman in my 20s. I met this guy, call him "Phil," in the town where I live. I didn't know that much about him, but after hanging out a couple of times we ended up in bed. That happened twice before I discovered what a dickhead he was. Let's say our dealings ended when I punched him in the face in a bar. Not classy, but satisfying, and it's something I've never apologized for or explained to anyone. The problem now comes from the fact that I had sex with this guy. Apparently the men in my town gossip more than women and it's common knowledge that I slept with Phil. I have had other guys reference this fact and have been turned down for dates because of it. Obviously people have a low opinion of Phil and I seem to be caught up in it now that I slept with him. Since I am not planning on moving out of town, how do I deal with the situation? Is it fair that I get rejected because of one skank dickhead?

Minding My Manners

You punched a guy in the face in a bar full of people, MMM, something you've never bothered to justify to anyone—including me—and you're wondering why all the other guys in town aren't lining up to fuck you? Gee, maybe it's because they're afraid you're a psycho? Maybe when your name comes up in conversation, all the men in town shake their heads and say, "That bitch is crazy."

What's more, MMM, it's entirely possible that whatever the guys in town think of Phil, they regard you as skanky on your merits alone.

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