Did My Neighbor Steal the Federal Surplus?
As many of you may have heard, the federal surplus vanished last week. Where did it go? Whodunit? By all accounts it was locked up tight in Fort Knox. Then: Poof! Nothing. The government has asked that all right-thinking Americans scrutinize their neighbors for signs of suspicious behavior. They are offering a THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR reward in the form of a tax rebate to anyone who can identify the scoundrel. Think you might live next door to the rascal who stole our nation's future? Take this easy true/false quiz and find out. For your country's sake.
T F He traded in his Escort for a B-2 Bomber.
T F Last week, she gave me a tax break.
T F He bought a money clip.
T F He bought Manitoba.
T F He finally returned my barbecue, power drill, and guitar.
T F The UN has started charging her dues.
T F She's producing Tom Hanks' next tearful WWII epic.
T F The Pentagon keeps calling him asking for money.
T F Someone keeps stealing the business section from my newspaper.
T F He recently started dating Penélope Cruz.
T F He recently started dating Tom Cruise.
T F He recently started dating 2 Live Crew.
T F There are 900 lobbyists milling around in her yard.
T F She has asked that I start referring to her as "The Fed."
T F I have reason to believe that she's a Communist. (i.e; She reads fiction.)
T F He finally quit his job to write a novel.
T F She replaced all her lawn gnomes with golden calves.
T F She just paid 12,000 dollars for a toilet bowl.
T F I saw her kissing Henry Kissinger.
T F His middle initial is W.
Did you answer "true" to ten or more of the above? Call the FBI immediately at (202) 324-3000. Give your neighbor's name and address and your social security number. Speak clearly. Then wait by your phone for the FBI swat team to contact you. You may be asked to testify before a House subcommittee. But most likely your neighbor will be quietly assassinated and the money transferred to an offshore bank account.