Am I Spider-Man?
It is a scientifically proven phenomenon that when a society focuses all its attention (magazine cover stories, theme alt weeklies, etc.) on the latest trendy sensation, social neurosis often ensues. This is known as "social transference identity disorder," and it can strike those weakened by an onslaught of hyper-focused publicity, usually surrounding the release of a big-budget Hollywood movie. (The last documented epidemic coincided with the release of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.) Symptoms include over identification with characters, obsessive collecting of memorabilia, and narcolepsy. With the upcoming release of the Spider-Man movie, we at the Helsinki Institute thought we would nip this one in the bud by telling you that YOU ARE NOT SPIDER-MAN. Don't believe us? Take this simple true/false quiz and see for yourself.
T F When I jump against a wall, I stick.
T F I am surprisingly partial to body stockings (and dance belts).
T F I avoid squashing insects.
T F Sometimes I feel tingly all over.
T F My first girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, was murdered by the Green Goblin.
T F I think my best friend may be trying to kill me.
T F Cirque du Soleil keeps calling.
T F Occasionally, I get the strange feeling I've been cloned.
T F I think a burglar killed my beloved Uncle Ben.
T F I have been told that I have superhuman equilibrium.
T F I get my news from The Daily Bugle.
T F I don't have any memories before 1962.
T F Stan Lee is like a father to me.
T F People are always calling me "Amazing."
T F I used to be a 98-pound weakling; now I am taut and ripped.
T F I can cling to the ceiling.
T F Keep your gun; I'd rather have my mechanical wrist-bound web shooters.
T F My "spider tracers" allow me to follow you to your lair.
T F My heart will always belong to Mary Jane Watson.
Did you answer "true" to ten or more of the above? No? SEE! You ARE NOT Spider-Man. You are not a superhero. You are not even the Green Lantern. You've got to stop succumbing to this condition. People who think they're superheroes get along well with people who think they're Jesus Christ and people who think they're from K-Pax. They do not get along well with people who think they are super-villains. Electroshock therapy can help in some severe cases. Mild cases can be cured by taking slow, long breaths into a paper bag.