Am I a Closet Heterosexual?

Every week, here at the Helsinki Institute, we receive dozens of hermetically sealed titanium trunks full of letters from troubled young people in the throws of personal crisis. Once confident and strapping, these young folk now tremble under the burden of a dark and terrible secret. Will their friends and parents understand? Will society accept them? Do these uncertainties sound familiar? You may be struggling with some of these same issues. If you think you might be straight, we urge you to take the following, easy, true/false quiz before taking any action that could change your life.

T F I drive a Jimmy.

T F I am a Jew for Jesus.

T F I am bad at giving oral sex.

T F I'm a Republican.

T F I think Dan Quayle is cute.

T F I think art is over-rated.

T F I work in a trailer on a job site.

T F I believe, with all my heart, that Tom Cruise is not gay.

T F They won't serve me at gay bars.

T F I refer to my friends as "you sinners."

T F I was a member of my homecoming court in high


T F I wear Dockers.

T F I voted for Measure 9.

T F I'm not convinced that Jesse Helms is the antichrist.

T F I have never seen Queer As Folk.

T F I don't get along with lesbians.

T F I don't have gaydar.

T F I haven't bought a Cher CD since she and Sonny split.

T F I have a poster affixed to my wall with tacks.

T F All my gay friends keep insisting I'm hetero.

Did you answer "true" to ten or more of the above? You may be a closet heterosexual. Contrary to some religious beliefs, heterosexuality is not a "lifestyle choice," but instead a perfectly natural predisposition. Many heterosexuals live happy, relatively successful lives. Famous heterosexuals include Wilt Chamberlain, Milton Berle, and Julia Roberts. Check your local library for more information.