Am I America?

Many folks here at The Helsinki Institute (located in downtown Madison, Wisconsin) have been talking about President Bush's economic forum. (We have a lot of time to watch CNN while waiting for lab results.) This has led to some confusion. "We're America," the president told a group of 240 carefully chosen, mainly white Republican business leaders. This statement led some of our nightshift orderlies to wonder: Does he have any idea that the rest of us exist? Curious if you line up with the president's vision of America? Take this easy true/false quiz and find out. Good luck!

T F My name is Charles Schwab.
T F I am from Texas.
T F I am from Waco, Texas.
T F I am concerned, but not discouraged, about the state of the economy.
T F (Actually I'm fretful and have a stress rash.)
T F I am a Republican.
T F I have a hairpiece.
T F I am a CEO.
T F My family pulled strings to get me into private school.
T F My family pulled strings to keep me out of jail for murdering a teenager.
T F My family pulled strings to win me Florida's electoral votes.
T F I believe that poor people need to work harder.
T F I believe that poor people are being punished by God.
T F I believe that God does not mind occasional cocaine use by CEOs.
T F I prefer Palm Beach to Miami Beach.
T F I see a professional dominatrix once a week.
T F I believe that once the error of their ways is pointed out to them, business leaders will begin to act responsibly.
T F I have my company's NASDAQ abbreviation tattooed on my ass.
T F I cheated on my taxes in 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, and 2002.

Did you answer "true" to ten or more of the above? Congratulations, you are one of the .012 percent of naturalized American citizens who fit the president's definition of "America." What on earth are you doing reading the Portland Mercury? "Americans" get along well with right wing political leaders, caddies, and women who work at Brooks Brothers. They do not get along well with children or people who work in natural food stores.