How Hep am I?

You know him. The sharp dresser. The cat's meow. The bee's knees. The hep cat. You would like to be hep, too, wouldn't you? You've watched him with his shiny shoes and his record albums and you've thought: that could be me. I could comb my hair like that, and learn to wear hats and belts. But do you really have what it takes to be hep, or do you wear the boring, unspectacular mantle of the "merely hip"? Take this simple multiple-choice test, and find out. Good luck!

1. I have, while talking on a mobile phone, used the following euphemism for marijuana:

A. "Tickets"

B. "The check from Grandma"

C. "My cousin Mary Jane"

D. "Weed"

2. If I could be/date a pop singer, I'd be/date:

A. Françoise Hardy

B. Marianne Faithfull

C. Nico

D. Jessica Simpson

3. I get my news from:

A. Le Monde

B. Jammin' 95.5

C. The New York Times

D. The Portland Tribune

4. If I came across five thousand dollars, I would:

A. Shellac it and make it into art

B. Go on a tour of the nation's skateboard parks

C. Self-publish my novel

D. Give it back

5. If someone cryogenically froze me and then woke me up in 25 years, the first thing I would do is:

A. Replace all my CDs with the newest music technology

B. Sell the rights to my story to HBO

C. Find out who froze me

D. Apply self-tanner

If you answered mostly As, you are one hep cat; mostly Bs = hip, but not hep; mostly Cs = total poser; mostly Ds = so unhip you are almost hep. Hep people are put off by English-language cinema, religion, the new MINI Cooper, teen pop, the color beige, sports culture, light beer, and people who have children. They like old Vespas, New Wave cinema verite, and London (though not the English).