People on the Go
by Chelsea Cain
Do I Have a Crush on My Friend's Neighbor?
Have you recently started feeling light-headed, dreamy, and a little constipated? Do you have trouble concentrating at work? Do you giggle by yourself for no apparent reason? Don't worry--it's not gout. Your symptoms point to a condition more of the romantic nature. Our diagnosis? You have a crush on your friend's neighbor. Want to know for sure? Take this easy multiple-choice quiz and find out. Good luck!
1) When I think of my friend's neighbor, I feel:
c. Sort of sick.
d. Dry-mouthed and agitated.
2) My friend's neighbor is:
a. Mad hot as a button!
b. Hairy and short.
c. Sort of rashy.
d. A Jimmy Kimmel fan.
3) If you were my friend's neighbor, I would:
a. Ask you to a swanky PICA event because, although I am not myself an artist, I have a great passion for contemporary art and for ALL culture, especially what interests you.
b. Not lend you my Cat Power LP if you asked to borrow it.
c. Buy you a topical ointment.
d. Tell you to TURN DOWN THE FUCKING CHER HOUSE MUSIC.
4) After reading this, I hope my friend's neighbor will:
a. Think I am romantic and appealing.
b. My friend's neighbor doesn't read the Mercury.
c. Seek medical attention.
d. Move out and take his subwoofer with him.
Did you answer mostly "A"? Congratulations! You most definitely have a crush on your friend's neighbor. You should ask your friend's neighbor out immediately. People who have crushes on their friend's neighbors get along well with ex-girlfriends, teenagers who keep diaries, and those who appreciate the romantic lyrical influence of Jane Austen. They do not get along well with people who are dating their friend's neighbor or people who write about their love life in alternative weeklies.