Should I Move Away from Portland Forever?

Eventually everyone, everywhere, faces an inevitable crossroads of professional and emotional stagnation, at which point they consider moving to Miami. (It is worth noting that people who actually live in Miami are not afflicted by this ennui, though they do die in droves from melanoma.) Should YOU move to Miami? What do you KNOW about Miami, really? Is it Portland you're weary of, or is it merely your very existence? Think it's time to leave the Rose City? Take this easy true/false quiz and find out for sure. Good luck!

T F I hate my friends.

T F My friends hate me.

T F A nudist colony offered me a lot of money for my house.

T F I am prone to seasonal affective disorder and allergic to roses.

T F I think I might get fired for eating all the miniature Hershey bars in the candy bowl at work.

T F I am being threatened by the guy who fixed my bike.

T F I lost a keg, and now these two guys from Bridgeport are idling outside my house in a Vanagon with tinted windows.

T F I have lived in over five studio apartments within a four square block area in Northwest.

T F I still don't have an Oregon driver's license.

T F I'm Canadian.

T F I have lived in Portland for six years and have yet to visit the eastside.

T F (I secretly think that Seattle is better.)

T F My pot dealer won't return my calls.

T F I am considering buying a robin's egg blue Vespa.

T F I am considering participating in Critical Mass.

T F I am considering attending the Rose Festival.

T F Everyone I know shops at Whole Foods.

T F I shot Kendra James.

Did you answer "true" to ten or more of the above? Pack your bags, and buy a ticket on the next Greyhound heading east! People who move away from Portland forever get along well with people who move away from Madison forever and people who talk about leaving New York, but never do. They do not get along well with Gus Van Sant or the chamber of commerce. It is a little known fact that many people who leave Portland forever move back within two years.