[Darlings! While 2007 excelled in celebrity embarrassments—what with rehab, prison stints, and racism-inspired apologies—one star shined brighter than any in Tinsel Turd, and it was of course MS. BRITNEY SPEARS. (Sorry, LiLo—even with a possible kidnapping charge, you never stood a chance.) Ladies and gentlemen, let's look back at 2007: THE YEAR OF BALD BRITNEY.—Ann Romano]
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16 The weekend started out normally enough: Britney checked into a foreign rehab center—a stay that lasted less than 24 hours before she checked out and flew back to LA. Upon returning home, Brit decided to get her hair done. Still normal, right? NOPE. "I tried to talk her out of it," insisted a frantic Esther Tognozzi, who owns an LA salon. "I said, 'Are you sure you're not having a bad day and tomorrow you'll feel differently about it? Why don't we wait a little bit?' She said, 'No, I absolutely want it shaved off now.' Next thing I know, she grabbed the buzzer and she went to the back of my salon and she was shaving off her own hair." Yes, you read that correctly: Britney Spears is now bald. And who said 2007 was going to suck?
SATURDAY, FEBURUARY 17 After shaving her head, UK tabloid The Sun reports that Spears "drove aimlessly around LA for 40 minutes" before arriving at a tattoo parlor, where, still covered in shaved hair, "She ordered [the] staff to etch a set of pink lips on her wrist." ("Pink lips"? EEEEEEEWWWW!) The Sun also notes that Britney was "screaming and flipping out." Meanwhile an onlooker explained Spears' actions thusly: "'She basically just said she was tired of having things plugged into her. She didn't want anybody to touch her.'" Actually, Brit? You're not the first girl to be sick of having things plugged into you. (Hi Kip!)
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19 After shaving her head, Britney decided to check herself in... and promptly OUT of Eric Clapton's Crossroads rehab facility (probably because Kenny Rogers Roasters was having a two-for-one special). Everybody deserves a second (or 15th) chance, yes? That's why we'd like to congratulate Britney for doing the right thing, and checking herself back into rehab once again today! (Specifically, Promises rehab in Malibu—the city, not the rum.) P.S. We win 30 bucks if you stay longer than 24 hours, Britney. DON'T DISAPPOINT US.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20 This just in from Promises rehab in Malibu—BRITNEY SPEARS HAS ESCAPED AGAIN. We repeat, Britney Spears did NOT complete her first 24 hours of treatment and is currently at large. Authorities are advising the public to stay inside their homes, and most importantly, not to panic. There's nothing to be alarmed about and... OH GOD! LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY! BRITNEY SPEARS HAS AN UMBRELLA!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21 It was a sleepless night of terror after Britney Spears "checked herself out" of Malibu's Promises rehab facility, and showed up at the doorstep of ex-hubby Kevin Federline demanding to see her kids. In his first wise move ever, K.Fed refused to let her in—however, this further enraged the marauding Britney who then went on a crazed umbrella spree. Cursing and violently swinging the umbrella, she attacked a group of paparazzi (caning one in the back) before repeatedly pummeling and causing minor damage to a nearby—and completely innocent—SUV. (Actually, the SUV wasn't a hybrid... so as Britney might have noted, it's "not that innocent." GET IT?? GET IT?? Thank yew! Thank yew! We'll be here all week.) Luckily for everyone in Tinsel Town, Britney's mother eventually tracked her down, took away her umbrella, and sent her daughter back to Promises rehab, who promised to help her "baby, one more time." OH BOY! We know it's a tragedy and everything, but WE ARE ON FIRE TODAY!
MONDAY, MARCH 12 Look. People can complain about Britney Spears all they want, but what they don't understand is this one simple fact: REHAB IS HARD, Y'ALL! While Britney is perhaps incorrectly diagnosing her condition as "postpartum depression," others are chalking up her condition to being addicted to hooch and/or blow—and her sweet tooth is giving her away. "Usually when a patient eats [a lot of] sugar," says the insider, "it means that they are coming down from a drug that kept them really up, like cocaine or speed. [Britney] has been drinking tons of Coca-Cola—about two cases a day, or 24 Cokes in 24 hours." In response, the Coca-Cola Corporation said, "Umm... we're not really looking for celebrity spokesmodels right now...."
MONDAY, APRIL 2 Britney has reportedly moved on to a new rehab romance. This time it's with acoustic rocker Howie Day, who Britney met while confined in the Promises Treatment Center. So Howie... why don't you sit down and tell us a little about yourself? Your police record seems to indicate that you enjoy being locked up for harassing flight attendants (for which you're currently on probation), and in 2004 you were arrested for "locking a woman in the bathroom of a tour bus after she refused his sexual advances." Hmmm... well, while we'll miss Kevin, at least you show some initiative. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.
MONDAY, MAY 28 According to Britain's The Sun, Britney was spotted this weekend entering the MEN's toilet at a posh LA hotspot, and heaving her guts out. According to a snoopy source, "Britney was found slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off." WOW! But it gets even better! "There was vomit down the front of her black dress and around her mouth... [she] must have been sick four or five times. I don't know if she was drunk or not." That skanky poseur Lindsay Lohan may be drinking up the lion's share of tabloid ink—but you, Britney Spears? Though civilizations may eventually crumble and fall, you shall never be forgotten. (Now send in somebody to clean up that sick.)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Dear Britney: Your "comeback performance" on MTV's Video Music Awards? Well, we both know it didn't quite go as planned. First: that lip-syncing. C'mon, honey. You can do better than that. Ashlee Simpson can do better than that. Secondly: those dead eyes? What was it, sweetie? Percocet? Xanax? Valium? Oh, no, dear—we're not saying to quit! But generally speaking, a fistful of pills aren't advised minutes before a big "comeback performance." There's a time and a place. Thirdly: the wheezing. Those five packs a day haven't been great for your dance moves, have they? You should have gotten some slower backup dancers. Maybe some quadriplegics?
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Capping off what has been an excellent week, Britney Spears has been banned from hip Hollywood hangout the Chateau Marmont. The reason? According to the New York Post, Britney's latest faux pas was "smearing a plate of high-priced cuisine all over her face and grossing out the other patrons." Alas, Britney's handlers will have to seek out other dining options for her, a task that grows more difficult by the week: Chateau Marmont joins a long list of upscale eateries that have banned Britney, including Olive Garden, Sizzler, Red Lobster, T.G.I. Fridays, Applebee's, and that one super-creepy 7-Eleven in North Hollywood where that really short, lazy-eyed clerk licks his lips at you whenever you buy condoms.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28 Brit and hillbilly ex-hubby Kevin Federline have paid another visit to the courts to discuss custody rights—and to hear Brit and K.Fed's parenting coach report on their progress. But... WHATEVER. The best part of the day was when Britney left the chambers in tears to use the restroom, and when an Extra reporter asked her how she was doing, Britney sagely responded: "EAT IT, LICK IT, SNORT IT, FUCK IT!" (And that, dear friends, is the "One Day at a Time Quote of the Year." Top that, Lindsay Lohan!)