Easterby countered that he has another responsibility: To the queers of the city and, God bless America, to the general public. The officers then took their own photos of the well-endowed exhibit, and left, promising to return with a cease-and-desist order. At press time, Easterby still waits for the censorous outcome, maintaining his artistic rights and hoping that the poor, repressed police officers will go get their own goddamn porn and leave him be.
TUESDAY, JUNE 6 America's favorite honky rapper, Eminem, faced felony charges today after pulling a gun on a man he caught kissing his wife, according to a report from Reuters. The 27-year-old rapper (whose real name is in actuality NOT Slim Shady, but Marshall Mathers ha, ha, HA!) was arrested outside the Hot Rocks Café in Warren, Michigan, where prosecutors say he had followed his wife in order to spy on her. After discovering his wife's tongue in the mouth of another man, Eminem was--perhaps for the first time in his life--speechless, and let his unloaded 9mm semi-automatic do the talking, allegedly pistol-whipping the lothario twice before being restrained by friends. If convicted Mr. Mathers could face five years in prison, where his ability to rap in a screeching, annoyingly high voice will probably not be looked upon favorably by his cellmates.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7 In a startlingly blatant example of governmental ass-kissing, today's Oregonian included a list of people recently convicted of DUIs (driving under intoxicants). This list included the person's name, their age, what section of town they live in, and the date they were convicted. Though we're sure this list pleases the police department and other school-marmish tee-totalers to no end, in One Day at a Time's opinion, this drunken witch hunt does not serve the public's interest in the least. What are we supposed to do if we see these people driving? "Look out! Here comes Drunky McStumblebum, age 37, of Southeast Portland! I read about him in the Oregonian! Oh, God! Don't let him scratch my Lexus!!"
In the spirit of fair play, what follows is a protracted list of Oregonian employees who have been spotted yapping incessantly on their cell phones while behind the wheel (which, studies show, is at least as dangerous as driving drunk).
Fred A. Stickel, Publisher
Sandy Rowe, Editor
Peter Bhatia, Executive Editor
Amanda Bennett, Managing Editor
See how YOU like it, JERKS.
THURSDAY, JUNE 8 Jennifer Young, a member of the Park Rose School Board, has been on a holy mission: to rid Northeast Portland of prostitutes. For the past two years, she has been photographing women in her neighborhood and accusing them of being harlots. Today, according to police officer Tracy Bertalod in an interview with the Oregonian, Young pepper-sprayed a sweet-faced fifteen-year old girl who was walking to the market with her mom, in what police believe is another example of Young's one-woman anti-ho crusade. Though arrested, the callous Young was out on bail later that evening.
FRIDAY, JUNE 9 Yay! Another hop forward for homos! Today, Multnomah County and the city of Portland issued a draft for a registry, which would officially allow gay couples (as well as unmarried breeders) to publicly document their relationships. Unlike a bridal registry--which allows newly married couples to receive an overabundance of toasters, silverware, and mismatched sheets--this registry offers queers a way to have their union officially recognized, giving them access to equal legal and tax treatment. It also provides domestic partners with an official document to provide employers who are stingy about shelling out health benefits.
Though the draft is expected to sail through both city and county councils untouched, we can all expect to hear more bitching and moaning from (sighhh) the Christian Right. The Oregon Christian Coalition (who have been historically squeamish and overly fascinated with anal sex) are against the proposal, seeing it as a sneaky way for governments to condone gay weddings, and fearing it will undermine the holy (i.e. heterosexual) institution of marriage. You remember "marriage," don't you? It was an institution popularized in the late 1800s, based on treating women as goods to be traded, and which currently ends over 50 percent of the time in an icky, hurtful divorce. And we wouldn't want a simple "registry" to ruin all that fun, would we?
SATURDAY, JUNE 10 Speaking of that holiest of institutions, "marriage," One Day at a Time's husband (Kip) and I decided to spice ours up today by engaging in coitus at the Rose Festival Shooting Matches. Though we generally like to engage in coitus during the Grand Floral Parade behind the main grandstand, we feel the incessant litany of floats draw our attention away from the task at hand. Thankfully, we found the Shooting Matches more to our liking. Sponsored by the Estacada Rod & Gun Club in Eagle Creek, this competition features target shooting with high-powered rifles as well as conventional pistols. It also features concealing shrubbery within 50 yards of the targets, adding an extra level of excitement to our coitus.
Though one might expect the never-ending barrage of gunshots to be interruptive to the process of coitus, this wasn't the case. In fact, the gunfire heightened our coital fervor, as we imagined ourselves thrown together out of desperation in war-torn Beirut. And, as Beaverton native John Collins fired his winning shot into the bullseye of his target, so did my husband Kip; my yelps of post-coital ecstasy being successfully muffled by the cheering throng.
We love engaging in coitus at the Rose Festival. Maybe next year we'll try the Midget Auto Races!
SUNDAY, JUNE 11 Some asshole stole our Sunday Oregonian off One Day at a Time's front porch, so today's news comes from a far more reliable source: People magazine. Alongside candid photos of newly married couple Angelina Jolie and her ugly hayseed hubby, Billy Bob Thornton, there were articles about rapper turned preacher, M.C. Hammer, Prince William's upcoming birthday bash, and a group of fat rights activists starting a synchronized swimming team. But perhaps the most brain-swirling article was about the new Christian Wrestling Federation. This Texas-based organization tours from church to church, slamming each other to the mat, and spreading the word of the Lord as Christian rock music blares in the background. See, what was I telling you earlier about these guys? They are so GAY!
Send your hot tips (and secret coitus spots) to ANN@PORTLANDmercury.com