Hoorah! Here's some great news! City officials announced today that Portland is almost out of the money needed to install speed bumps in residential neighborhoods! Long regarded as the worst thing about living in this town, there is still an inexplicable desire for speed bumps by neighborhood activists who are too lazy to build fences in front of their house. After being informed that the city may require property owners to pay for their own bumps, Andrew Marshall Jr. whined to The Oregonian, "If a child gets smacked, city officials will have something to think about for the rest of their lives!" Enraged by the fact that people have been driving at 32 mph rather than abiding by the 30 mph speed limit, Marshall feared for the lives of his three children. "The little ones are too little to see," he said with a squint. While One Day feels deeply for the plight of Mr. Marshall and his basketball-sized children, we feel he should stop trying to bilk taxpayers for his inability to police his own children, and in return, we promise to stop cutting cookies in his front yard with our '68 Camaro.

And now a breaking story from Spokane, WA: Local high school band forced to cancel halftime show that depicts death of Custer! Spokane's Lewis and Clark High School marching band is well known for their halftime rendition of "The Death of Custer" in which baton twirlers, dancers and tuba players dress up to re-enact the famous 1876 battle of Little Bighorn. However, the band's salute to vengeance will soon go the way of unnecessary speed bumps after a Native American student, Dylan Lodge, complained today that the band's portrayal of her people was "cartoonish." The 16-year-old Lodge was stunned after seeing a bunch of honkies dressed in loincloths, swinging tomahawks over their heads and doing a war dance over the scalped noggin of Custer. The school agreed to perform the show only two more times, and with some changes. The tuba-playing "Injuns" will now wear cavalry outfits, a general announcement will be made about Custer being "a self-proclaimed Indian killer," and the script will focus on the government's policies regarding U.S. and Native American relations. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Why can't they just play "Louie, Louie" and forget about it?

Today One Day hit the bars in search of a good place to watch our presidential candidates' debate. While we were lucky enough to find a drinkery that respects the sanctity of the democratic process, we were scandalized to discover the after-work clamor was completely drowning out the banter of George W. and that other guy. Thank Jesus, then, for closed-caption technology! Happily, we were able to read the debate as it scrolled on the bottom of the screen, but unfortunately for Bush, the system had serious problems deciphering his bumbling Texas drawl. According to the closed-captioning, Bush doesn't like "Big Gots," but "Lezz Beans" are okay by him! Even stranger, however, was Bush's incessant and rapid blinking, like an out-of-water walleye. At first we just thought his contacts had dried out. But soon we realized he was in fact, sending us Morse Code! And what was the secret phrase he kept repeating? "Remember Waco!"

It was a bad day for everyone in those "foreign" countries, as Israeli helicopters attacked the compound of Yasser Arafat in retaliation for the beating deaths of three Israeli soldiers by a Palestinian mob. Meanwhile, over in Yemen, the USS Cole became victim to a terrorist attack when a boat loaded with explosives blew a gaping hole in the warship. Then in Vancouver, Canada, the cast and crew of Dark Angel was shaken when the New York Post reported that Jessica Alba (who plays Max) and Michael Weatherly (Logan) were caught "openly canoodling" on the set. HAS THIS WORLD GONE MAD? Are we, as a global super-power, going to stand up to these random acts of canoodling? It's time for America to tell these countries, if you canoodle with us, then prepare to be canoodled right back!

Friday the 13th has always been considered a day when bad things happen for no reason. A day to stay away from black cats and ladders. A day when beguiling young people are murdered by chainsaw-wielding madmen. A day of great cosmic gloom and apprehension, when the universe seems to randomly strike down good people and then laugh at them. A day when you wake up and you are out of coffee and you don't have any clean underwear and you decide to ride your bike to work but forget to put on deodorant. Well, all of that looked comparatively peachy today when N'Sync announced that they have signed to star in Grease 3, with Britney Spears as the rumored female lead. Now that's bad luck. Where's a chainsaw-wielding madman when you need one?

The 80th annual Miss America Contest was held tonight and organizers went the extra mile to make the event live up to its reputation as the hippest, most progressive variety show on TV. To wit, they replaced the titty show swimsuit competition with a titty show production number saluting the contest's "beachside" location, and they premiered a brand new techno version of the staid Miss America theme song. Wanting a new vocalist who could bring in the kids without betraying the pageant's classy history, the organizers settled on that timeless duo, Donny and Marie Osmond. Who else could better appeal to both young and old viewers? And what a success! According to unnamed sources, young people all over the world have been downloading the new single in record numbers. And the new flygirl? Miss Hawaii, who won with a promise to promote "character education." She's a Catholic elementary school teacher and therefore almost certainly a virgin. Feminists everywhere applauded the decision, and Patricia Ireland was said to have wept openly as the new Miss was crowned.

The Oregonian
reported a shocking bit of news today. Seems the folks down in Houston are up in arms about grass. And we don't mean the special kind. See, they've got themselves a bit of a smog problem. Truth be told, they've got more brown air down there than a cowboy has crabs. Now, because of a little piece of fascist legislation called The Clean Air Act, the good people of Houston have been asked to refrain from using gasoline powered yard equipment before noon in an effort to meet clean air standards and save the ozone. This means that residents will either have to let their lawns go, or send their Mexican day laborers out in the heat of the day to mow. Several irked residents have threatened to defend their golf-ready lawns with firearms if necessary, and who could blame them? Everyone knows it's a God-given right to have a manicured yard. It's in the Constitution. Take to the streets, Rangers! Remember the Alamo! Remember the Maine! Remember to edge! Who's gonna boss your Mexican day laborers around, you or the EPA? We thought so!

Viva El Snapper!