Massive floods! Highly infectious disease! Widespread drought! That's what we can all look forward to in the coming decades if global warming isn't stopped, a UN scientific team warned today. But that's not the half of it! They also said we can expect glaciers and polar icecaps melting, "countless" species of animals and plants dying out, rich farmland being reduced to dust, and small islands sinking into the sea! That's why it's more important than ever that we reprint the following story from the New York Post gossip column, Page 6, about supermodel Claudia Schiffer and a naked dwarf.
"Teutonic temptress Claudia Schiffer almost had a risqué run-in with a naked dwarf. According to London's Daily Mail, the frisky fellow rode his bicycle nude to the home of the übermodel's mother in Germany and rang the bell. But when police arrived, they could not arrest the man because of an obscure German law that protected him as a 'performance artist,' since he was selling postcards at the time. Schiffer's rep insists the incident happened a year ago, and that in any case, the naked nuisance was 'not a dwarf.'"
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20
The Oregon Environmental Council announced today that they are making it a top legislative priority to eliminate the Mercury in order to protect our state's rivers and children. Now, One Day has been tracking this anti-Mercury trend on a national level for some time, as in the case where an Illinois environmental group actively tried to remove Mercury from many older homes. We knew it was only a matter of time before our own home state would get the bright idea to kick us in the fanny. However, we did not realize how many of our own legislators that we've pissed on within these very pages would turn against us; 27 of them have agreed to sign a bill that would outlaw our paper, branding it a "contaminant." A proponent of the bill had this to say about our paper: "We need to worry about Mercury because it is so persistent. Once it's released, it doesn't go away. It builds up in humans and animals, and it's highly toxic." They even say we contaminate fish!! Look, people: just because the occasional Mercury may blow down Burnside and into the Willamette, don't blame us if your fish tastes crappy! Those three-eyed trout tasted like shit loooooooong before we ever got here!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21
Tonight, the most boring award show in the universe, the Grammys, attempted to make itself less boring by teaming up a homophobe with a homo. Rapper Eminem was joined onstage by octogenarian gay Elton John in a deeply odd performance of "Stan," a touching ballad about fame and a horrible car accident--which coincidentally shares the same theme as Elton John's ode to Princess Diana, "Candle in the Wind 2000." Huh. Weird. Anyway, it was boring. But, here's the really exciting part! After the ceremony, Grammy winners Destiny's Child were flying-oh, who knows where-and were sitting right next to a very close friend of Kyla, a frequent reader of One Day at a Time! And according to this friend, they were very friendly and upbeat--until the poor girl threw up on them. That's right; a friend of a frequent One Day reader vomited on all three members of Des-tiny's Child! Which begs the question: While we're sure Kyla's friend can pay the telephone bills, and maybe even pay the automo-bills--will she be able to pay the dry-cleaning bills?
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22
My, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) were busy little beavers today. As if Sean "Puffy" Combs doesn't have enough to deal with, PETA has been hanging a series of damning posters around NYC that feature his picture. In the poster, the dapper Combs wears a luxurious salt-and-pepper fur coat--along with the phrase "Accessory to Murder" scrawled in blood-red letters. And just in case anyone needs to be clobbered further by this point, the poster also included an inset photograph of a bloody, skinned and unsightly mink lying dead in the dirt. PETA followed this with a proposed lawsuit against the producers of TV's Survivor for last week's highly publicized pig-killing incident. And just to show that PETA can get more things done in a day than most of us can accomplish in a lifetime, they still had time to create another poster campaign in which naked women are painted with tiger stripes to protest the cruelty of circus life. Wow! With ideas like that, they should forget calling themselves PETA and change their acronym to S.U.B.T.L.E.!
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23
Pull on your comfortable marching shoes. Heat up the button maker. According to today's Oregonian, it looks like Lars Larson is going to run for governor. Of Oregon. Lars Larson. The conservative talk show host/ex-newsman? Proponent of all that is evil? The goober? Oh, come on now, people, look alive. Lars Larson running for governor? There hasn't been this much potential protest fun since, well, last November. You're not impressed, are you? There might be some looting There, a few of you perked up. We're pretty sure he's against skateboards. And drummers. And lattes. In fact, there's a rumor he's against Subarus. And Polarfleece. Oregonians unite against Lars! Meet at the Pioneer Square Starbucks and begin the rousing of the rabble! And, Lars, if you do declare, just know that you're not the only barb-ready local media star willing to fling a sun hat into the ring. Two words for you, darling: Governor Romano.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24
My friends, we have won. According to today's Oregonian, The Pepsi Girl is soon to go the way of smallpox and non-recyclable Styrofoam. Known to her parents as Hallie Kate Eisenberg, the Pepsi Girl is loathed by all right-thinking people for her part in the Regal Cinemas "drink-Pepsi-and-oh-yeah--no-smokin'" spot that plays before every frickin' feature. The spot is set in an Old West saloon, and features the voice of Jack Palance looped over that of the Pepsi Girl, or as she is oft-described, the "curly-haired, deep-dimpled, adorable little moppet." No word on whether Pepsi will continue to use the Pepsi Girl in commercials, though according to our sources, she was recently spotted at a trendy Miami club canoodling with Gary Coleman and harassing patrons to turn off their cell phones and beepers. She was drinking Coke.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25
This just in from the L.A. Times-Washington Post news service; the Hell's Angels may be involved in gang activity! According to the article, "A national Hell's Angels leader, who for two decades, cultivated the image of an upstanding citizen, has been indicted for heading a criminal gang whose activities include the sale of drugs to high school students." We are SHOCKED. What tipped his hand? The tattoos? The leather chaps? Or was it the jacket with the words "Hell's Angel" stitched across the back? Doesn't anyone read Hunter S. Thompson anymore? Gas up the hogs, folks; we're headed to Riverside.