In a case that will surely change the way the justice system works in this country, actor Tom Cruise is ready to step into court and (somehow) prove he is not gay. For years Cruise has been battling the rumors, but finally blew his non-gay wig when a homosexual porn star/ wrestler (!!) named Kyle Bradford claimed to be the reason Cruise and former wife Nicole Kidman broke up. Bradford states that Nicole walked in on the alleged lovers while embraced in a decidedly homoerotic wrestling move. Now Cruise has filed a $100 million defamation suit against the gay wrestler, who has been spreading the story about the ongoing affair to international magazines such as Actustar. According to Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, the story is "100 percent false. Cruise is a great respecter of homosexual rights, but he's not gay, and he's willing to prove it in court." This is clearly THE most titillating quote of 2001 thus far. In fact, the mind REELS with the possibilities of how Tom Cruise would stand in front of a judge and a jury of his presumably non-gay peers, and somehow PROVE he isn't gay. Naturally, One Day is here, and ready to help. So Tom, repeat after us: "Exhibit A! No hanky in either of my back pockets. Exhibit B! I do not own a single copy of the soundtrack from Les Miserables. Exhibit C! Boy pee-peesYUCK! Girl vaginasYUM! And finally Exhibit D: My window dressings were purchased at Target." Case dismissed!

While workers around the world united and marched today to protest the abysmal state of snack vending machines in corporate break rooms, violence broke out over workers' rights here in Portland. The day started peacefully in the Romano household, but that all soon changed when our hubby, Kip Romano, refused to clean out the cat box--a direct violation of a contract previously negotiated between Management (ourselves) and Labor (Kip). When Labor was informed by Management that said catbox was beginning to smell like "a poop-filled ammonia swamp," Labor ignored his duty and continued playing "Metal Gear Solid" on his Playstation 2. After slamming pots and pans around the kitchen for at least 45 minutes, Management finally stomped her petite foot and yelled, "FINE! I'll do it MYSELF!" Management then grabbed the cat box and began hastily scooping the poo into a tall kitchen garbage receptacle. Labor, realizing how much trouble he was in, tried to end the dispute by grabbing the scooper and saying, "Christ! I'll do it already! I didn't know it was a goddamn emergency!" Management rebuffed Labor's advances, yelling, "Nooooooo! I'll do it. Go back to your precious Playstation-- but don't you dare ask Management for any Saturday morning canoodling!" Negotiations hit a critical impasse when Labor brusquely grabbed the bag, and yelled "I SAID I'D DO IT!" sending the contents of the pee-soaked, poo-filled kitty litter flying and coating the kitchen floor. Happily, the dispute was settled when Labor agreed not only to clean up the mess, but to accompany Management to her best friend from college's upcoming wedding in Boston.

In other news, Portland's May Day parade was boring.

Today, NASA proved they are a bunch of diaper-wetting crybabies. Last week, multimillionaire Dennis Tito paid Russia $20 million to take a ride on a Soyuz spacecraft and enjoy a six-day stay on the International Space Station. NASA, who shares the space station, whined and moaned to a U.S. House of Representatives panel on space and aeronautics, saying Tito was inadequately trained and would demand reimbursement from the millionaire if he "broke anything." According to the Russians, Tito has yet to "break anything" and was a complete joy to have along. However, NASA's moral outrage was then undercut by the admission that while they hate Dennis Tito, they would simply love to take Titanic director James Cameron into space. Six months ago, the genius behind The Terminator made a similar request for a cosmic ride-along, and is being strongly considered. The difference between the two? According to the agency, Cameron is an "American patriot." A very, very rich "American patriot."

Tonight, not only was America forced to endure two-hours of huggy-lovey crap to find out that Tina won this year's Survivor challenge, but we were also forced to witness a one-hour cast reunion underscored by God's least favorite musical instrument--the didgeridoo. However, there were some memorable moments in the special, as when we learned that Deb (the controlling one with the mullet) is romantically involved with her stepson (all together now "Ewwww wwwww!"), or when the "wicked witch of the west" Jerri was trying to squeeze apologies out of Tina and Colby, and looked suspiciously like Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford in Mommy, Dearest.

The Associated Press reported that a giant tree toppled over at Disneyland today, injuring 27 Middle Americans and two underpaid park employees. Eighteen people were reported to have cuts and bruises, four suffered fractured idealism, and three lost childhoods. No other serious injuries were reported. Mickey Mouse, who was skiing in Vail at the time, was not available for comment. The tree fell in Frontierland, crushing a food wagon and narrowly missing several Texas cheerleaders on their way out of the Golden Horseshoe Review. "It just crashed," the Associated Press reported one rattled cheerleader as explaining. She was, of course, referring to the economy.

And speaking of the economy, The Oregonian reported today that the U.S. economy lost 223,000 jobs in April, pushing the unemployment rate up to 4.5 percent. But they want you to know that this IS NOT A RECESSION. They know how you overreact. You are such a drama queen. They have made it very clear that these numbers are only "recession-type" and that there is just a 25-35 percent chance that the U.S. will enter a "recession-ishy thingy" in the new future! Besides, the best thing you can do for your country is spend more! The economists also expressed hope that "whatshisname" will reduce the "whosamagigger" so that the "number thing that ticks will stay big."

And the most horrifying news of the week? The New York Times reported today that, according to a Geneva study, tap water is better than bottled. Do they really want us to believe that corporations have bamboozled billions of guileless and impressionable consumers? Next they'll be telling us that Evian is naîve spelled backwards.