It's been a troubling week--psychologically speaking--for our favorite celebrities. Today the New York Post published some outtakes from an upcoming Details interview with former Cap'n Kirk, William Shatner. In his defense, Bill has had some recent rough times. Much of his Priceline.com stock went belly-up in the recent tech. crash, and two years ago, his wife committed suicide by overdosing on booze and Valium before falling into their pool. In the interview, he offered up his own opinion on suicide: "The manner in which you do it is indicative of what's intrinsically bothering you," he noted. "Take Ernest Hemingway: Here was a guy who swallowed, bit, and orally sucked on the long barrel of a shotgun. What does that tell you?" Hmmm actually we're a bit confused as to what that's supposed to tell us. "Well, then," he continues, "What does it tell you when a guy--in one of the more exotic cases I have heard of--hugs a stove, a hot stove, to death? Horrifying. But what does that tell you?" Okay. I guess we're stupid. We have NO IDEA what that tells us. However, what does Bill's next quote--about life, death, and his horse farm--tell us about HIM? "One day, I was looking into a microscope at the sperm of a stallion, and I gazed out the window and saw that a truck had come to take away a horse of mine that had died. I was looking at life and death through the same glass. It was a lesson in life!" Ooh! Okay! Now what that's telling us is that maybe William Shatner should lay off the pot!
TUESDAY, JULY 31
Sure, it's a known fact that President Bush hates the gays, the environment, and the poor, but today he added another pariah to his list: vampires. Under the guise of "conserving energy," Bush has come out against "vampire devices," like cellular phone chargers that drain electricity even when they're not in use. But we know what he really means! As he said himself, "We expect our agencies to be ridding themselves of the vampires and using energy conservation devices." See?? He said vampires "AND" energy conservation devices--as if they were mutually exclusive! Jesus! Next he'll be kicking vampires out of the military!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1
Today 16-year-old Dayna Moore pissed off a nation of teenagers by testifying in front of Congress on the evil of Ecstasy. "I spent years chasing the first, magical high and that chase almost killed me," she said, obviously reading from her 8th grade poetry journal. She also testified that Ecstasy "is easy to find. Just pick up the phone, make one call, and someone could be at your house dropping it off." Well, Dayna, you're full of crap. We've been trying for the last nine weeks to score some Ecstasy, and our sources are dry as a bone. So, if any One Day readers happen to have provided Dayna with Ecstasy, please drop that snitch like a hot potato and email firstname.lastname@example.org your business is ALWAYS appreciated.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 2
An evil worm attacked and infected some 240,000 computers today. Named the "Code Red" worm, the squirmy wiggler crawled out of thousands of people's disc drives causing hordes of skittish computer programmers to jump up onto their chairs, clutch the bottom of their skirts, and squeal "Eeeeee! Eeeeee! EEEEEEEEEEE!" Happily, it was quickly discovered that the worm could be killed by simply rebooting the machines, which starves the worm by cutting off its main food source, emoticons. But whatever you do, don't mention this to Mariah Carey, who is currently under psychiatric care--it would probably freak her out. Carey's spokeswoman, Cindi "With an 'I' please" Berger, announced today that the scantily-clad songstress has "suffered an emotional and physical breakdown." The proof? "She did break some dishes and glasses," noted Berger, adding, "and she may have stepped on them." Carey has been severely overworked as of late, signing a new multimillion-dollar contract with Virgin Records, sweating over her new movie, Glitter (as well as the soundtrack), and watching her new single, "Loverboy," languish on the charts until Virgin started selling it for 49 cents. Poor thing! However, as long as she doesn't start making generalizations about life based upon examinations of stallion sperm (see Monday), we think she'll be ohhhh-kay.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 3
More celebrity bedlam! Ace news source America Online reported today, that hunky Gwyneth-ex Ben Affleck has entered a live-in rehabilitation center for the treatment of alcohol abuse. Our contacts at the West Hollywood Auto Trader tell us that Ben was driven to drink after Gwyneth broke his heart and then told Wynona (who told Matt, who told Ben) that she had only been dating him because she thought he was gay. The brazen hussy bitch. Matt, not Gwyneth. Incidentally, the two starred in Bounce together, a cinema verite project in which Ben played a recovering alcoholic and Gwyneth played a natural brunette. Now the bleached, skinny harlot has driven him right into the arms of suspected lesbian Paula Poundstone, who is recovering at the same treatment center!!! Anyone who has seen Chasing Amy knows what will happen next. Someone get Gwyneth Paltrow a chastity belt. If you can find one small enough. (Maybe a tin can?)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 4
Ralph Nader returned to the scene of the crime today, attracting 7,000 people to a "civic festival" at the Rose Garden. The crowd, some of whom are actually registered to vote, and several of whom voted for Nader or at least told their friends they did, were enthusiastic. Nader, who is on a tour to "get people involved," has vowed to return to his role as consumer advocate. Well, we have a project for you, Ralph: Tampons. Why are they so expensive?? They are cotton, cardboard and a little string. How much can they cost to make? A penny? But, the Tampon Mafia knows we have to buy them every month, so they gouge us. The Cheaper Tampon platform. It's a cinch for the ladies' vote in '04. Trust us.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 5
The nation breathed a sigh of relief today when it was announced that President Bush had passed his first presidential medical exam. The almost six hours of testing yielded a weighty medical report, which was immediately made public. Aren't you just dying to know the results?? These, according to The New York Times, are the highlights: Bush suffers from mild high frequency hearing loss (all those Journey concerts). He wears reading glasses, takes vitamins, smokes an occasional cigar, and does not drink (except for the occasional "Saturday binge" with his daughters). He is 189.75 pounds, down from 194.5433247 in June 2000. His resting heart rate is 43 beats a minute and his blood pressure is 118/74. He runs an average of 3.00457 miles four times a week. He uses a Thigh Master on Tuesdays, except when Laura wants to use it. He did have three potentially cancerous lesions removed from his face, but scarring will be minimal. Have a medical report of your own you'd like to share with the world? Email it to us at
email@example.com. Please, no stool samples.