We just can't understand why Money Magazine would drop our own precious, adorable, laissez-faire Portland from their top ten best places to live. Apparently, they were not factoring in all the things that make Portland so special: affordable housing, Stumptown coffee, happy hour drink specials, a deep love for Weimaraners, Baddoll shoes, an abundance of cocaine (or at least that's what our friend Zebra Bunny tells us), and an inherent appreciation of biting sarcasm. Even though employment might be scarce, who needs a job when you're relaxing on unemployment (not that we would know anything about that!)? We're guessing that one of two things turned them off; the attractiveness rating of Portland's men: a meager 2 out of ten (Romano rating), or the city's complete lack of any fashion sense whatsoever. Probably a little of both. It's sad how we constantly find ourselves feeling silly and overdressed while sporting a sultry new pair of strappy platforms or a fitted fake fur vest, even on a busy Thursday night at Colosso. Just last weekend, we arrived at a friend's "Dress as Your Alter Ego" party in a sexy Vamp/Goth ensemble, only to find nearly everyone else wearing normal clothes. We felt humiliated, although the multitude of compliments we received did cushion the blow. Anyhow, Portland, a word of advice: you simply must step up to the fashion plate or else we'll never beat Los Angeles.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 3
People who enjoy humor let out a collective sigh today when The Baptist Standard's Craig Byrd reported that the Good Lord not only doesn't frown on laughter--he smiles on it! "Many people have the stereotype of Christians as joyless, dour types whose greatest fear is that someone, somewhere, may be having fun," writes Byrd. "But, as any preacher who ever warmed up a congregation for a sermon with a good, clean joke can testify, that isn't the whole story!" Turns out the serious version of the Bible that we all know and love has been mistranslated from the original Hebrew or Greek or whatever. In actuality it's loaded with stories of good Christians laughing their God-fearing asses off, as well as some scathingly funny, good ol' fashioned jokes! In Genesis 17:17, Abraham learns that Sarah will give birth in the geriatric ward and falls on his face with uproarious laughter! And in Samuel 18:22, King Saul lets the rustic David pay his wedding dowry in Philistine foreskins! Ha! Who knew ye olde Scriptures could be so much fun? And now you can safely laugh at them, because you'll know Jesus is laughing with you. Just don't have an abortion or premarital sex, 'cause that's still a ticket straight to Hell.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4
Today Dutch police discovered undetonated bombs at two separate IKEA stores, prompting them to temporarily shut down 10 more of the trendy home décor shops and tragically halting the sale of affordable-yet-hip orange couches and ergonomically designed office chairs all across the Netherlands. Dutch Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende issued a statement about the bombs, saying that there was no indication that either terrorists or Winona Ryder were involved. (The reason he knew this is because the bombs may be linked to accusations that IKEA uses child labor, which is an issue neither al-Qaida nor Ryder could give a crap about.) Furthermore, IKEA spokespeople were appalled that the bombs not only deviated from their winter color scheme, but were also crafted without respect for IKEA's staunch minimalist design guidelines. Their anger was partly assuaged after the Prime Minister picked up an Ölandstock blanket and a lovely, rounded coffee table for Christmas gifts.
Also today, the New York Times warned against the dangers of Mercury, furthering the long feud between this paper and the East Coast tabloid. With much bile and envy, they spewed, "Mercury is unquestionably poisonous. At extreme doses, it causes tremors and madness. Children who accidentally get high doses tend to speak and walk later and to have tics and lower intelligence." Well! One Day will admit that Mercury likes to get extreme and has acted crazy at parties on occasion. But TICS? We hate those creepy little things! They get under your skin and cause the dreaded Lyme disease. The Times has said some mean things about us in the past, but they've really gone too far this time. (At least they didn't send us a bjömb.)
THURSDAY DECEMBER 5 Today the Times reported that even though the world's economy is on a slip-and-slide aimed straight for Shitsville, German car company Porsche is simply wiping their backsides with cash, reporting profits of a record $4.87 million. One Day considers this proof positive that the world's money is concentrated in the hands of middle-aged, white men fully experiencing midlife crises. Also, if recent activity at our neighbor's house is any indication, the sales of cocaine, marijuana, and car stereos are also on the rise.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6
Why can't Portland city officials ever be happy? (Haven't they heard of Zoloft?) While the rest of Portland basked in unseasonably warm, sunny weather, officials from the Water Bureau tried to spoil everyone's fun by bemoaning that our water supplies were dipping dangerously low and afterwards loudly proclaiming that without rain, the entire Northwest might need to switch to bottled water. Boo hoo. Meanwhile, North Carolina had some real problems after a massive ice storm not only brought Internet shopping to a complete standstill, but left a million residents without power and electricity. The surprise white out cut power lines and left most of the state without heat, lights, or any means of watching their beloved Tar Heels slip into a two-game losing slump. (We accidentally watched "Sportscenter" while manicuring). The evil storm also managed to leave three dead from separate carbon monoxide poisoning incidents, as residents slept in their cars and pulled their propane grills indoors to keep warm. The FBI is investigating possible al-Qaida ties to the snowstorm.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7
Today Kinko's opened their early Christmas gift from the Muslim world: Iraqi officials released an eye-popping 11,000-page document detailing what chemical weapons they have, and what chemical weapons they don't have. As a favor to the civilized world, smartly dressed leader Saddam Hussein also tucked in a small pamphlet on personal grooming tips (slim at only 57 pages). Suggestions included: "How to Stay Fresh While Being Bombed Back into the Stone Age," and a lengthy section titled "How to Keep Your Moustache Trim With Only a Musket and Fingernail Clippers." Copies of the 11,000-page document (five cents a page--you do the math!) were sent to UN officials, US military strategists, and the White House. Without even bothering to read a single page, President Bush turned up his nose and declared, "They're lying." In an unrelated press release, President Bush also declared that the new John Grisham book "sucks."
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8
In a shocking scientific development, the Associated Press reported today that scientists have discovered a global weather trend they have dubbed "global warming." Apparently, the northernmost reaches of the "Earth" are warming, reducing the "sea ice" across the Arctic Ocean, melting the "ice sheet" in "Greenland," and spreading shrubs into the Alaskan "tundra." While some "experts" claim to have been aware of these events individually, most expressed surprise at the breakthrough. Several denied the trend outright. One California environmentalist has insisted that he discovered "global warming" in 1976, but he has been treated as an attention-craving crackpot by the world's press. The environmentalist claims that he traced "global warming" to "chlorofluorocarbons" in a paper published in the journal Nature in 1980, but experts are saying that it is more likely linked to "angry gods." A study is planned to further explore the phenomenon in early 2012.