Could it be true? Are Britney Spears and ex-paramour Justin Timberlake tickling each other's ivories once again? Well, it's true if you believe tabloids like the Star. According to this trusted newsmagazine, Brit has been begging to crank up the canoodle train, but the heartbroken Justin has repeatedly refused her slutty advances--UNTIL! The two were spotted recently walking hand-in-hand into Brit's spendy Manhattan condo. "Once inside the lobby," sez a Star snoopy spy, "they started making out and sucked face all the way to the elevators. Justin left three hours later, looking rumpled and happy." Does this mean Timberlake's current celebrity flame Alyssa Milano will have to start looking for another hunky bauble to grace her willowy arm? Not just yet! Because according to the Post, Britney has also been seen hanging close to not-as-attractive-as-everyone-thinks XXX star, Vin Diesel at NY's posh Polo Lounge and we all know what THAT means. Justin better invest in some condoms. Meanwhile It's time for a "Jennifer Lopez Nipple Tweaker" update! As reported last week in One Day, there's apparently a photograph floating around which is said to prove the rumor that J.LO had a professional nipple tweaker on the set of her video "Jenny from the Block." The tweaker reportedly was paid to give her nips an occasional twist to give her that "I've got erect nipples" look. Naturally, we were skeptical about the existence of such a photograph--until One Day Hot Tipper Michelle from Estacada wrote in! "The photo is in the February issue of Playboy!" she breathlessly wrote. "Page 19!" Naturally, we dashed home and yanked up the mattress (where hubby Kip hides all his porn), and sure enough there was the magazine, and there on page 19 was a guy tweaking J.LO's nipple. OR WAS HE? We've graciously included the photo (above and page 39), and desperately need your opinion. "Is J.LO getting her nipple tweaked, or is someone just removing a piece of lint from the tip of her nip?" Write in to firstname.lastname@example.org with your vote today!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 7
In his continuing effort to make it look like he's doing something nice when he's actually doing something evil, President Bush unveiled his $674 billion stimulus plan today. According to our Mathematical Whiz-in-Chief, a family of four with an income of 40 grand a year can expect an annual income tax drop from $1,178 to a lowly 45 bones. "That may not mean a lot of money to some of the big shots," the Prez noted, "but it means a lot for the family of four." But don't worry folks! While the "family of four" may be making out like bandits, those poor "big shots" will be enjoying savings as well. For example, "big shots" who make over 1 million smackers a year can expect a tax cut of (gulp!) $88,873? And as it turns out, according to an independent auditing group called the Tax Policy Center, Bush's estimation that the "family of four" will save over $1000 per year isn't quite accurate. "This information is misleading," said a group spokesman. "Most taxpayers [nearly 80 percent] will receive far less than this amount." How much less? The so-called "family of four" can actually expect to receive a half-eaten pack of Juicy Fruit and a draft notice.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8
Yippee! Besides the annual Neiman Marcus sale, it's our favorite time of year! Octogenarian and slightly insane fashion critic Mr. Blackwell has once again released his worst-dressed list, or as he likes to call them, "couture casualties." Here are some choice (i.e. bitchy) snippets:
#1--Anna Nicole Smith: "Honey, hire a structural engineer."
#2--Kelly Osbourne: "A fright-wigged Baby Doll, stuck in a goth prom gown."
#4--Cameron Diaz: "Looks like she was dressed by a color-blind circus clown." [That's a good one!--Ann]
#7--Donatella Versace: "A flash-fried Venus, stuck in a Miami strip mall."
#9--Christina Aguilera: "Her barely there bimbo bombs wouldn't cover a gnat."
Wait just a doggone second! Calling Christina Aguilera a slut is swerving dangerously into our territory! Nobody gets to insult her but us! So step off, Blackwell, you "washed-up, bargain basement, off-the-rack Joan Rivers!"
THURSDAY, JANUARY 9
So, what have those U.N. inspectors discovered after all their snooping around for nuclear armaments in Baghdad? So far, nada, zero, zippo, ZILCH. Hans Blix (who sounds like a Stars Wars character, but isn't) is the chief of the U.N. Monitoring, Verification, and Inspection Commission who spoke to the Security Council today, briefing them on what they've discovered after two months of poking around in Saddam Hussein's panties. And while there's the absence of "the smoking gun," Blix conceded there's "no guarantee that prohibited stocks or activities could not exist at other sites," and said the search would continue. Naturally, if no weapons are found, this could put a serious damper on the Bush administration's plans to stick their collective foot up Hussein's ass--militarily speaking, of course. In fact, a flustered, blustery Ari Fleischer, White House Press Secretary, dashed out to counter Blix' lack of findings. "We know for a FACT that there are weapons there," he blurted. "For God's sake have you looked behind the couch?"
FRIDAY, JANUARY 10
A federal appeals court ruled today that a woman who helped her mobster husband smuggle his sperm out of prison can't use the sample to get pregnant. Maria Parlavecchio of--where else?--New Jersey, has been trying to win custody of the frozen jism since last year, when she was placed on probation for helping to sneak a cryogenic preservation kit (or "cum cooler") into the Allenwood Federal Prison. Her husband, convicted racketeer Antonino Parlavecchio, smuggled the kit back out through a guard (ewww!) in an attempt to have her artificially inseminated. The couple was caught, but Maria Parlavecchio had asked a court to return three vials of the sperm--preserved at a doctor's office--on the grounds that the future fruit of her womb had been improperly seized by the government. That argument was rejected on the basis that the vials contained not "future fruit of her womb," but rather freezer-burned cum.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 11
According to the Associated Press, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has ordered about 62,000 more U.S. troops to head for the Persian Gulf region, doubling the size of the force now lining up arm-in-arm around Iraq. The move has made some people think that maybe the Pentagon intends to throw some sort of war, possibly on Valentine's Day, as some sort of weird, macho gift to Laura. (Just buy her a tennis bracelet at Best Gem, George!) The notion of a Valentine's Day war, however, does lend itself to some clever invasion names. Here are some the Pentagon might consider: Operation Box of Chocolate-Covered Anthrax, Extreme Red Rose, Desert Diamond Solitaire, and Saddam Be Mine. Eventually the size of the U.S. force could reach 250,000, but defense officials have said any U.S. attack ordered by President Bush could begin with 100,000 or fewer troops in place, as long as they have lots of planes and tanks and stuff. If they do not make the Valentine's Day timetable, there's always President's Day, which also lends itself to good names, but is not as sweet to Laura.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 12
Experts defused a homemade bomb 20 minutes before it was timed to explode early today inside a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in southern Pakistan. The bomb was hidden Godfather-style behind the restaurant's toilet, and set to go off just before 1 a.m., shortly before the restaurant's closing. There were only a few customers in the single-story building when a cleaner heard a ticking sound, found the bomb, and called in the Calvary. The motive behind the almost-attack was not immediately clear, but there is some talk of Islamic militant groups and something about a U.S.-led war on terrorism. In any case the caper was not very brainy, as everyone knows that if you want thousands to die in pain and despair, it is much more effective to let the KFC remain fully operational.