As a regular purveyor of One Day at a Time, you have undoubtedly been wincing from our stories of Britney Spear's unfortunate romance with Limp Bizkit tub-o-lard Fred Durst. Well, good news! Britney has officially given this soul-patched has-been the brush off. According to Us Weekly, Durst "got dumped," and "he's pretty upset about it." Boo-freaking-hoo! And while former beau Justin Timberlake may also be on the sidelines, Brit has reportedly found a new quarterback--Irish hunk Colin Farrell! As we know, Colin is the drool-worthy star of The Recruit, and according to the New York Post, the two were seen at an L.A. nightspot giving each other tonsil exams with their tongues. Colin, of course, is well known around Tinsel Town for being "well-versed in the carnal arts." According to an interview in W magazine, Colin boasted, "I'm into casual sex I come into town and bang whoever I can--but I'm not mean and egotistical about it. Whoever I bang is bangin' me back!" Look out for Britney's next single, "Bang Me, Colin, One More Time." Meanwhile As we know, there's been mucho hullaballoo about the supposed fight between Brad Pitt and less-attractive wife Jennifer Aniston at the Golden Globes. However, what we didn't know is the disagreement was allegedly started by Brad's dandruff! According to The Sun, Jennifer is said to have suffered a conniption at the ceremony when Brad shook his greasy mane and covered her new $22,000 Dolce & Gabbana gown in nasty white skin flakes. Jennifer then refused to speak to Brad for the rest of the evening, which explains why she neglected to thank him publicly after winning her award! We're sorry, but we're with Jenny on this one. She should tell that scrubby hubby to exfoliate that nasty scalp, or she'll find a new man with a little more "bang." Colin Farrell, perhaps?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 28
Today President Bush gave his "State of the Union" address, or as they like to call it in the West Wing, the "Presidential Pep Rally." What did we learn from this speech? 1) President Bush is almost capable of sounding intelligent as long as there are 10-second bursts of applause following each of his sentences, allowing him plenty of time to think. 2) He still doesn't know how to pronounce "nuclear." It's pronounced NU-CLE-ER, not NUC-U-LAR. We swear if he keeps this up, people are going to think he's a hillbilly. 3) President Bush likes AIDS babies--as long as they stay way over there in Africa. 4) President Bush favors the development of a hydrogen-powered car, but remained strangely silent on the prospect of developing transporters like they have on Star Trek. 5) In order to change the opinions of our allies who are against a war with Iraq, Bush proposed spending 40 billion dollars over the next decade to have Saddam Hussein's name legally changed to Hitler.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29
Now to the dirty, dirty world of television. We always knew the girls of the FOX break-out hit Joe Millionaire were skanky--we just didn't know HOW skanky! According to The Smoking Gun website, Sarah Kozer, the busty blonde who, in the most recent episode, snuck off to make slurping noises in the woods with "Joe I'mreallyonfoodstamps," is actually the star of several kinky bondage and fetish videos! Ya-HOOOO! We love dirt like this! Sarah, whose stage name is Cindy Schubert, has been bound, gagged, and trussed up like a Christmas turkey in such cinematic masterpieces as Novices in Knots, Hogtied, and Helpless Heroines. She also appeals to foot fetishists thanks to her film Dirty Soled Dolls, in which she bares her "filthy soles" and dirty tootsies to a gaggle of moaning, groaning pervs. However, saucy Sarah shows no shame for her crimes against podiatry, telling the Daily News, "I'm not embarrassed at all. I don't have a fetish for any of those things. I stand behind what I've done." Unfortunately, her father doesn't seem to share her feelings, because when reporters contacted him via phone, he said, "I don't know anything about that," and hung up. Hmmm maybe he'll feel better when she brings home a handsome, rich fiancée to meet daddy oh, wait. On second thought would a laid-off construction worker who used to model underwear suffice?
THURSDAY, JANUARY 30
Poor Chief of Homeland Security Tom Ridge. He simply cannot catch a break. For months he was forced to walk around the White House doing nothing except for carrying a folder so he would look busy. And when he thought he was finally going to receive an important assignment, they made him design a color-coded warning system. But today marked his first real policy speech since being made the secretary of Homeland Security. And what a speech it was, filled with the same blustery fire and brimstone made famous by his smirking boss. "To our enemies: we do not cower, we are coming after you," he bellowed. "Whether your threats come via a suitcase or on a suicide bomber, pathogens in the air or armed passengers on an airplane we will stop you." Now this would've been an okay speech except that at the same moment, a U.S. Senate panel learned that our Mexican and Canadian borders are a joke. According to government investigators, undercover agents have been passing back and forth across the borders with impunity, using fake identification they made using construction paper and a laminating machine. Naturally, this information kind of makes Tom look like a jerk. So if you're a terrorist, it would be great if you waited a decade or two so Tom can have time to get used to his new job. For the love of God, he just started a year ago!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 31
Hospitals throughout Georgia were warned today to temporarily stop using blood from the American Red Cross after some sharp-eyed hero noticed the blood had crappy white bits floating in it. The Red Cross reported the crappy white bits are NOT infectious agents, curdled milk or popcorn crumbs, and that no harmful effects in patients had been reported. (Several patients did report being thoroughly "grossed out.") However, the Georgia Hospital Association decided to be extra careful and advised all 185 of its members not to use the blood, forcing them to postpone elective surgery and use backup supplies of blood for emergencies. The Red Cross said it has identified the location of all the possibly contaminated blood and is working with a maker of blood bags and the Food and Drug Administration to find out how the crappy white bits got in there. We're betting they're fat globules from a blood donor fresh from KFC.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1
Today the space shuttle Columbia exploded, killing all seven astronauts on board. Authorities warned that no matter what President Bush may claim over the next few days, this accident was NOT an act of terrorism.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 2
NASA warned the public not to sell Columbia debris on eBay, as local law enforcement agencies continued their efforts today to cordon off and protect the hundreds of pieces of wreckage. According to the Associated Press, within hours after the shuttle broke up, listings for pieces began appearing on the Internet auction site. The items were quickly removed by eBay, a bastion of all that is Right and True. Officers used horses, four-wheel-drive vehicles and satellite tracking devices to search for pieces, and then had to find ways to protect them until they were collected for analysis. Debris smashed through a roof, splashed into a reservoir and dropped amid farms, doublewides and Gas-n-Sips. In Hemphill, near the Louisiana state line, hospital employee Mike Gibbs reported finding what appeared to be a charred torso, thigh bone and skull on a rural road near what was thought to be other debris. On a farm, also in Sabine County, two boys found a charred human leg. "From the hip to the foot, it's all there, scorched from the fire," said their father, Bob White. The charred body parts were not available on eBay, though portions of fingernails and single strands of burnt hair are obtainable on some lesser auction websites.