Is it possible? Could the romance of the century finally be coming to an end? No, silly. We're not talking about J.LO and Ben Affleck! We're talking about Ben Affleck and Matt Damon! According to British tabloid The Sun, rumors are flying about an alleged fistfight between the homoerotic, yet non-homosexual couple. Both have been spotted with shiners, and both refuse to explain where their shiners came from. Even the normally whiney and verbose Affleck would only say "Yes" when asked if his eye boo-boo hurt. To make the situation even stranger, Madonna has also been spotted with a black eye! While some have considered the possibility of a three-way fistfight, it's more likely Madonna blackened her own eye to call attention to her waning career. Meanwhile! While Affleck and Damon have been supposedly exchanging love licks, Ben's ex-fiancée Jennifer Lopez has reportedly been terrorizing hotel employees in London, or so sayeth the Daily Mirror. After learning she would be placed in the same room that ex-paramour Sean "H.R. Puff 'n' Diddy" Combs had stayed, she flipped out and demanded that all 60 bags (!!) be lugged to another abode. But the demands didn't stop there! "Jenny from the Block" also allegedly asked the staff to never speak to her, leave all meals outside her room, and to make sure there is sushi, chocolate cake, and Cristal champagne on hand AT ALL TIMES. Hmmmm now we're thinking maybe it was Affleck who socked himself in the eye (for getting involved with the demanding Lopez), and Damon and Madonna who got in the fight. Sighhh Hollywood can be so confusing!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25
Today an accused September 11th conspirator said he wanted to torture U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft. After a few minutes of deliberation, everyone who knows Ashcroft decided that while this may be an okay thing to daydream about, it probably isn't a good idea. Zacarias Moussaoui, a French citizen charged with six counts of conspiracy in the 9/11 attacks and the suspected "20th hijacker," is representing himself in court (good idea!) and filed documents which included the request to torture Ashcroft. In the handwritten document riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, Moussaoui accused Ashcroft of trying to "kill" him through the media. (Honey, Kathie Lee Gifford has been saying the same thing for years, and let us tell ya that dog don't hunt.) "You make secret hearing so you can leak want (sic) you want and hide the parody of justice," Moussaoui barely managed to write. "The world must know that you are a hard (sic) of scavenger." What are you looking at us for? We have no idea what he's saying, either! Regardless, let's hear some more. "Ashcroft must be sent to Alexandria jail so I can torture him," Moussaoui wrote. "After all torture is now part of the American way of life." Boy, we'll say! Have you been watching Are You Hot? It's like the show was dreamed up by North Koreans!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Want to hear more crazy jailhouse ramblings? Yes, you do! Today ABC featured an interview between kooky accused murderer/actor Robert Blake and kooky accused kook/interviewer Barbara Walters. In the question and answer session Blake says--even though his trial is only one day old-- that no one thinks he's innocent, and he's going to be put to death. (Hey turn that frown upside down, Grumpy Gus!) Blake went on to incoherently ramble, "you couldn't find 12 people at 20,000 feet in Tibet that wouldn't say, 'Is that man still alive? I thought we killed him already. Well, hang him and get it over with.'" Wisely deciding to just let that last quote pass, Walters then asked if he really thought people had already made up their minds about his guilt. Blake went ballistic. "How do you kill a dead man?" he sputtered. "What are they going to do to me that they haven't done already? What's left for them to take? Are they going to take my testicles away and make earrings out of them?" Actually John Ashcroft already has that planned for Zacarias Moussaoui but there's always room on the waiting list!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Okay, the BAD NEWS: Fred Rogers, the genial host of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood died today of stomach cancer. For 34 years Rogers would slip into a sweater and sneakers, and for 30 minutes each day made some pre-schooler feel like she was learning something important (and she was). Plus, King Friday the XIII ROCKED. Rogers was the kind of person who makes you think of the millions of jerkholes who are still walking around screwing things up, and wish well, you know what we wish. The point is, Fred Rogers will be really, really missed. Now the GOOD NEWS: The Bush Administration (aka the "jerkholes") lowered the national terror alert today from orange to yellow. As you undoubtedly remember, "yellow" is meant to symbolize the color of cowards, while "orange" stands for cowards who pee and poop themselves. So now we're just regular old cowards again. Cowards who really, really miss Mr. Rogers.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Two widows who gave birth using sperm from their dead hubbies claimed a crucial victory today in the legal battle to have their deceased partners recognized as the pops of their tots. Diane Blood has two children with her husband who died from bacterial meningitis after falling into a coma in 1995. He had not provided consent for his sperm to be wrung from his dead cold testicles and it was only after a lengthy legal battle that the courts allowed Blood to have in vitro fertilization treatment using his sperm in a Belgian fertility clinic. Joanne Tarbuck's husband, Martin, had given consent for posthumous use of his sperm, and the apple of their eye was conceived at a British clinic after Martin was six feet under. In related news, several handsome corpses are missing from morgues around the country. A handful of single women in their thirties have been rounded-up for questioning.
SATURDAY, MARCH 1
In a very exciting development for a Bloods gangbanger (no relation to Diane) who is charged with conspiring to commit assault with a dangerous weapon, it has been announced that former President Bill Clinton is a prospective juror on the case. Of course, as every Eagle Scout knows, prospective juror names are kept anonymous, though Clinton's juror questionnaire kind of stood out. Where the questionnaire asked for previous jobs held, he filled in President of the United States. Where it asked whether he could be fair and impartial, the prospective juror answered yes, despite his "unusual experience with the O.I.C.," otherwise known as the Office of Independent Counsel. The former president did not ask to be recused from jury duty, and in fact, Clinton is said to be thrilled at the opportunity to get out of the house for a few weeks, and is hoping to be sequestered.
SUNDAY, MARCH 2
The New York Times reported today that the leader of a Ku Klux Klan splinter group plans to demonstrate at the Masters to Support Augusta National Golf Club's all-male membership. "This equal rights stuff has gotten out of hand," said the imperial wizard of the American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.