Do you ever just sit around and wonder, "Hmmm where does Britney Spears get all her ideas?" Well, now we have the answer. Britney is inspired by none other than Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein. According to IMDB.com, the princess of pop has been so spooked by a Japanese stalker, she's taken to hiring look-a-likes to throw him off the scent. A source close to Ms. Britta states that she "came up with the decoy idea after hearing that Saddam Hussein has look-a-likes dressed as him because he fears assassination." In fact, the star and her double were spotted by a tabloid spy last weekend ducking into the ladies room of the posh L.A. club White Lotus. How was the spy able to tell the two apart? She looked for the one who wasn't snorting cocaine off the toilet. KIDDING!!! JUST KIDDING!!! Britney Spears has and never will perform any illicit act because she is perfect in every way. (However, as long as we're talking about taking legal action, why isn't Saddam suing Britney? She never did pay him for inspiring the song "Oops, I Did It Again!") Meanwhile! In other Britney news, it seems that the real Britney Spears (not her evil cocaine snorting twin) has called a truce with doughy rap-metal has-been Fred Durst. According to the New York Post, the Limp Bizkit frontman has been crying like a tubby baby to anyone who'll listen after getting dumped by the Britster. Last week Durst spilled his guts on the Howard Stern show, claiming he vaginally plowed the superstar on their first date, and made some disparaging remarks regarding her dire need of a "bikini wax." And while People magazine reports the two have "resolved their differences privately," we still have our doubts about the validity of Fred and Britney ever going out in the first place. Who knows? Maybe he went out with the double, instead. Saddam Hussein's double! (Everybody knows he desperately needs a bikini wax!)
TUESDAY, MARCH 4
Silly us! We assumed the days of "bashing Michael Jackson" had passed along with such other news of yesteryear like Joe Millionaire, and using diplomatic means to avoid a war with Iraq. Not true! As it turns out, Vanity Fair magazine still smells blood in the water and is coming out this week with a brand new expose on the "King Lear of Pop." Quoting a myriad of named and unnamed sources, the article postulates that Jackson is far crazier than documentarian Martin Bashir ever imagined. For example, there's the "cursing Steven Spielberg" thingy. Jackson is said to have undergone a Swiss voodoo ceremony to curse Spielberg for not casting him in the big budget flop Hook-- but wait. Let's back up for a second a "SWISS voodoo ceremony"? Doesn't voodoo require black people? And NO, Michael Jackson does NOT count. Anyway the article also accuses Jackson of being $240 million in debt, wearing a prosthetic nose ("without the device he looks like a mummy with two nostril holes."), and a racist who calls African Americans "spabooks." Now this is going too far! We have a very good friend named Shaniqua Brown who is African American and, like us, loves spa hotels, spa boutiques, and especially spa books. If Michael Jackson doesn't like black people, maybe he should just go back to Switzerland!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 5
Anti-war demonstrators, defenders of free speech, and people who just like T-shirts with dumb sayings were up in arms today about a mall shopper arrested for wearing a shirt that read "Give Peace a Chance." Over 100 protesters marched through the Crossgates Mall in Albany, New York to show their righteous indignation over the arrest of Stephen Downs, 61, who refused to remove the offending shirt when asked by mall security. The demonstrators said they would stop protesting if the charges against Downs were dropped. Though there was no immediate response from the mall spokeswoman, certain mall employees were seen making their own statements by wearing T-shirts that read "Give Chik-Filet a Chance."
THURSDAY, MARCH 6
Millions of Americans were shocked today when they witnessed President Bush making a live public statement without the use of a teleprompter. Just to put it in perspective, this is like asking Jack Nicholson to sleep with women his own age. In the live press conference held in the White House East Room, the President fielded numerous questions--most of which boiled down to, "If you hate Saddam for being an evil dictator, why are you acting like an evil dictator?" The President responded to these questions by accusing the Iraqis of hiding and producing materials used to fuel weapons of mass destruction, while, as usual, offering no evidence to back up his accusations. It's widely thought this press conference was an attempt to undermine the report from U.N. inspector Hans Blix who is now labeling Baghdad's cooperation as "active, or even proactive." Blix also slyly noted that inspectors have been "unable to verify some U.S. claims about hidden Iraqi weapons" and asked again for "more information about suspect sites." To which the White House responded, "Hey! Nobody asked Joe Millionaire to prove he had a million dollars!"
FRIDAY, MARCH 7
A top Pakistani police official announced today that seven al-Qaida members were killed and eight were wounded in an operation carried out by "allied forces"--and that two of the captured prisoners were sons of Osama bin Laden! Sanauliah Zehri, the security official who made the statement said the raid was carried out by U.S. forces near Rabat, an area that borders Iran, Pakistan, and Afghanistan. However, the story has been disputed by U.S. counterintelligence, who said they had not received any information to suggest the sons (who we shall call Brian bin Laden and Scott bin Laden) had been detained. And in fact, the U.S. claims to have no information whatsoever about the whereabouts of any of Osama bin Laden's 23 sons (including Brian, Scott, Tom bin Laden, Jack bin Laden, Bill bin Laden, Tony bin Laden, Hank bin Laden, Mike bin Laden, Jerry bin Laden, Darrell bin Laden, Jimmy bin Laden, Greg bin Laden, Kenneth bin Laden, Jake bin Laden, Davey bin Laden, Burt bin Laden, Vince bin Laden, Rob bin Laden, Oscar bin Laden, Carl bin Laden, Troy bin Laden, Gary bin Laden, and Benny bin Laden). However, authorities are close to tracking down the one bin Laden daughter, Debbie bin Laden.
SATURDAY, MARCH 8
While we strongly advocate the right of every American to protest the upcoming war, we also think it might be better if some people just stayed at home. Today in Los Angeles, a huge throng of protesters had their thunder stolen by a small group of nude Raelians. You, of course, remember the Raelians as the kooks who believe life on Earth was created by aliens, and have been trying to convince everyone they have the mental wherewithal to create an actual human clone. Today they were at it again when they whipped off their clothes in front of L.A.'s federal building in an effort seemingly designed to make all the protesters look like a bunch of wackos. "Whenever everybody undresses, the ego goes away and then we can make decisions," said Raelian protester/dumbshit Nadine Gary. "Imagine President Bush nude addressing the state of the union. Imagine Saddam Hussein nude." Hmmm what we'd rather imagine is a world where such disgusting images WERE NEVER PLANTED IN OUR HEADS!
SUNDAY, MARCH 9
And finally, the most hilariously sad story of the week: Britain's Sunday Mirror reported today that a dozen terrified Iraqi troops have already crossed the Kuwait border attempting to surrender. Apparently the motley group heard British forces testing weapons during a routine exercise, thought they were under attack and crawled through trenches and barbed wire waving a white flag. And though the Brits actually felt sorry for their plight, they had no choice but to send the skinny Iraqis back home, telling them if they wanted to surrender they should at least wait until the war actually started.