Oh, those poor, poor celebrities! Believe it or not, life is often very difficult for these overwhelmingly talented individuals, so perhaps you can stop your catty snipe-talk right now. Unconvinced? Then please turn your attention to the plight of poor Renee Zellweger. In order for her to plump back up for her upcoming sequel to Bridget Jones' Diary, the svelte little actress is being forced to choke down 20 DOUGHNUTS PER DAY! Oh! And the torture doesn't end there! In order to fill out her size 14 dress, Renee must also eat a breakfast consisting of a Big Mac, fries, savory scones with gravy and a high-fat milkshake. Then for lunch, just a tiny nosh of pizza, peanut butter, and the aforementioned 20 DOUGHNUTS. This is followed by an afternoon of vigorous magazine reading, and a dinner featuring a heaping plate of spaghetti Bolognese, potatoes, and a stick or so of butter. Of course, you may be wondering what these pork-out sessions will do to her dismal lovelife, which has been on the skids since being dumped by Jim Carrey two years ago. Well, worry NOT. Renee has taken up with severely unattractive indie rocker Jack White of the White Stripes, who she will undoubtedly dump the second she pares back down to a size six. You go girl! Meanwhile! Boo-hoo-hoo for poor Ben Affleck. It seems that this unfortunate heartthrob has been searching Hollywood for a virgin for years, and the best he could come up with was Jennifer Lopez. According to PeopleNews, Ben sadly noted, "there aren't that many virgins in their thirties," adding the marriage-minded Ms. LO is "about as close [to a virgin] as you're likely to find--especially in Hollywood." He then went on to make the EXTREMELY dubious claim that "Jenny from the Block" has only been with "like, five guys in her life." Hey Ben! Are you sure she said "cinco" and not "cinquentamil"?
TUESDAY, JUNE 10
However, it stands to reason one has a better chance of locating Jennifer Lopez' hymen than any Iraqi "Weapons of Mass Destruction™." Yes, the laughable search continues for these chemical bugaboos, and while still insisting they will eventually be found, President Bush has softened his language, now referring to the WMDs as simply a "weapons program" (meaning if Allies find a broken slingshot, he's in the clear). But before you start praying for this good ol' boy to get his tongue caught in a mousetrap, please remember that the entire Republican Congress is leaping to Bush's defense in this lame-ass cover-up. Today they summarily pooh-poohed the Democratic Congress' calls for a formal investigation into whether intelligence on these so-called WMDs was manipulated by the Bush Administration to make a stronger case for a war against Iraq. Shockingly, Republicans say there is "no such evidence of wrongdoing" and such an investigation might suggest "there's something dreadfully wrong." This from the same people who demanded an investigation of Clinton sticking a cigar up Monica Lewinsky's cooter. Which we have to admit was "dreadfully wrong," but in an entirely different way.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11
Forget SARS! Monkeypox is the new disease du jour! The disease, believed to be spread by prairie dogs, has sent anyone who has any knowledge of prairie dogs into a panic! Why, just today, we believe we saw a prairie dog eyeing us suspiciously as we perused the latest Elle at Barnes & Noble. And as unsettling as that may sound, one poor nurse in Wisconsin has actually acquired the disease simply after coming in contact with an infected pet store owner. Though non-fatal, Monkeypox is nevertheless a very embarrassing disease, producing pus-filled blisters, fever, rash, chills, and of course the humiliation of having to say you've got the Monkeypox. And waitasecond. How did monkeys and prairie dogs hook up in the first place? Sounds kinky. Nevertheless, one way to avoid getting the Monkeypox is to keep any prairie dog discharge away from the eyes or nose. (Which we understand is very popular at those raves the kids have grown so fond of.) Another way to avoid this ego-crippling disease is to stay away from the pet store that originally sold the infected prairie dogs, Illinois-based Phil's Pocket Pets. But does one really need to be warned to stay away from a place called Phil's Pocket Pets?
THURSDAY, JUNE 12
Actor Gregory Peck--DEAD. Newscaster David Brinkley--DEAD. Jenna from Survivor--POSING NUDE FOR PLAYBOY. And if this day could not get any worse, '80s pop wash-up Adam Ant--ARRESTED FOR THROWING ROCKS THROUGH A WINDOW AND YANKING OUT HIS WEENIE. The artist who scored a number one hit with "Goodie Two Shoes" and whose real name is Stuart Leslie Goddard allegedly went "berserk" today, throwing rocks through the windows of his neighbors' homes in North London. After completing this task, he then chose to dash into the nearby Curly Dog Café, strip off his clothes and perform a weenie dance. This incident isn't the first time Mr. Ant has run afoul of the law. Last year Ant was arrested for throwing a carburetor through a pub window, and threatening patrons with a starter pistol after they made fun of him for wearing a cowboy outfit. He is believed to have mental problems.
FRIDAY, JUNE 13
It's Friday the 13th, and just like clockwork, something evil this way comes: Oprah Winfrey's Book Club. The Chicago talk show diva will announce her long-awaited pick on her show, nearly four months after revealing that she was bringing back her club and focusing on "classic" authors such as William Faulkner, Ernest Hemingway, and Jackie Collins. (Okay, we made up that last one.) Can Beowulf be far behind? Winfrey had tentatively planned to name her club "Traveling With the Classics." But a spokeswoman said it will be called, as it had been before, Oprah's Book Club because, in the end, "Traveling With the Classics" sounded a little high school AP. Oprah is expected to make from three to five choices a year, with the books likely written by both living and dead authors. This will prove interesting (and promising!) when it comes time to have the author on for a Q&A. "The selections will be great books that have stood the test of time," said a Winfrey spokeswoman. Jonathan Franzen could not be reached for comment.
SATURDAY, JUNE 14
It's Flag Day! Which must mean that Katie Harmon--former Miss America, Christian, patriot, Oregonian--got married to her fighter pilot--Christian, patriot, Oregonian--Tim Ebner. The color scheme of the nuptials? Red, white, and blue. Guests were given flag pins at the door. If that was enough jingoism, there was also the ice sculpture shaped like a waving American flag topped with an F-15 fighter jet for good measure. Really. Are these people fanatical, or what? Intrigued? We thought you would be! You can catch the full-on flag-o-rama wedding bonanza on The Learning Channel on Friday, June 27th at 2 p.m. The LEARNING Channel. Just keep the videotape away from your daughters.
SUNDAY, JUNE 15
Today we read a touching story about Lawrence "Tuna" Clark, a man whose memorial service was held at The Waffle House on Highway 129 in Georgia. Tuna, a 67-year-old bachelor, ate regularly at the restaurant, usually ordering scrambled eggs on lightly toasted bread. At his memorial service, his jacket was slung over his usual seat, and black coffee, milk, and cigarettes sat side by side on the counter, the way he always placed them. (It may have been the cigarettes and eggs that killed him.) He was remembered fondly by waitresses, cooks, and customers. Thinking you'd like to have YOUR memorial service at a commercial space you frequent? Why wait to book it? Talk to Music Millennium, now. A small deposit will ensure that when you die, your ashes will be displayed behind the counter next to the upcoming releases board for a full week. Starbucks will actually mix your ashes with espresso and serve you as lattes.