Just when you thought Britney Spears would have to toss herself in front of a train to get some media attention, it looks like she may have found the perfect vehicle to regain some fameÉ by dating John Cusack! According to the Daily Star gossip rag, the 21-year-old fading popstress recently met the 37-year-old Say Anything star in a New York club and asked her assistant to snag his digits. A little while later she was spotted chatting with a mystery man on her cell, before walking into the Four Seasons Hotel--where a certain Mr. Cusack has taken up residence! Since then, her loose-lipped entourage has been gabbing about the pair's subsequent dates, and one even goes so far as to note, "It's too early to say where this may lead, but there is something there." You bet something's there! Hooking up with the world's sexiest grandpa beats rubbing cooter with Madonna any day! Meanwhile! Today terrorists continued to make the Bush Administration look like jackasses, with four separate suicide bombings in Iraq. Hitting one after another within a 45-minute period, bombers attacked three separate police stations as well as a Red Cross headquarters, killing three dozen and wounding more than 200. The attacks were obviously coordinated, as the bombers were disguised; an ambulance hit the Red Cross, while a stolen police car hit the Iraqi cop shop. The Bush administration were quick to pin the bombings on "ousted loyalists of Saddam Hussein" who have become "desperate" because of all the progress the U.S. is making in turning this war-torn country into a democratic Candyland. Unfortunately for this theory, a Syrian passport was found on one of the dead bombers, lending credence to the idea that Bush has started a Holy War and that, as many are given to believe, he is very dumb.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28
Director Spike Lee inadvertently found himself in the animal rights hotseat recently, after making a joke about kicking a cat. While at a New York film fest, the director of Malcolm X (who is allergic to kitties, by the way) was chatting away with Gary Kaskel (who is president of the United Action for Animals, by the way), when he observed, "I hate cats. They make me sick. I'd like to kick one if I saw it." At which point Kaskel was said to have responded, "That's what the Ku Klux Klan used to say about black people." Of course, in normal, polite society, this little catfight would've ended right there. However, the animal activist then chose to continue the scrap by penning a letter of complaint to Lee demanding an apology for the cat he never kicked. "It was my bad luck to be seated next to this lunatic," Lee later said. "He equated kicking a cat to the lynching of black people by the KKK, which is outrageous. I did absolutely nothing that warrants an apology, and at no time have I ever harmed any animal in any way." Now, we absolutely believe Spike. However, it is suspicious that Montecore (the Siegfried & Roy attack tiger) has been skulking around Lee's house wearing a white sheet.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29
Wow. Did you feel that? Why, it was only the most powerful geomagnetic storm that's ever hit the earth! (Sure, there might have been more powerful ones in the olden days, but those guys were too dumb to know it.) The storm is a gigantic cloud of highly charged particles that's 13 times the size of earth and was hurled with incredible force from the mighty arms of the sun god. It bridged 93 million miles in less than a day, hitting Earth at a speed of 5 million mph (and just our luck--the damn thing doesn't have any insurance!). While scientists are saying the results of this crash were minimal--temporary radio outages and electrical interference--we think this storm-thingy caused a LOT more problems than those brainiacs think! For example: Why was our Starbucks Carmel Vanilla Latte with sprinkles served to us today at a temperature of 932 degrees centigrade? Why did our TiVo mysteriously forget to record The O.C. ? Why did our cat (Karen the Magnificent) suddenly confuse a clean hamper of laundry for her litter box? And why did our hubby Kip have to be told SEVEN TIMES to take the garbage out to the curb? Thanks a lot, Sun! You've been a real pal!
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30
The House of Representatives shut down in panic, and a U.S. congressional office building was swarmed with police in riot gear today, after two women came to work carrying Halloween costumes. "I don't think they had any ill intent," said U.S. Capitol Police Chief Terrance Gainer, after a two-hour ordeal in which a plastic revolver was spotted by security screeners. Apparently, two female aides of a Representative accidentally left their costumes and props on an X-ray belt at the entrance of the building, before walking away. After spotting what they thought was a real gun, the shit proverbially hit the fan causing cops in battle gear to swarm the building. And when authorities discovered the true owners of the fake gun? Ohhh, the laughter that must have reverberated through those hallowed halls. "This was an unfortunate misunderstanding," said the staff members' boss, Rep. John Shimkus, R-Ill. "A result of my staff's efforts to put together a Halloween costume during their lunch hour." The women involved were equally embarrassed, saying they would never again come to work dressed like Robert Blake.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31
Controversy continued to swirl around the new CBS docudrama The Reagans today, as CNN reported that The Republican National Committee has asked if they might pretty please have the opportunity to review the miniseries with a team of historians, Nancy, and various chums of the Gipper. The RNC is concerned that The Reagans does not accurately portray the couple. And well they should be. James Brolin portrays the president in the CBS version of events. B-movie actor Ronald Reagan portrayed the president in the original. Furthermore, the first lady Nancy Reagan looks like Judy Davis, which the original first lady did not. Such liberties! RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie says that if CBS denies the request, he will ask the network to run a note across the bottom of the screen every 10 minutes during the program's presentation informing viewers that characters in the miniseries are portrayed by ACTORS. Ronald Reagan, who is being kept alive in a vat of ectoplasm, could not be reached for comment.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1
Reagan portrayer James Brolin's son Josh Brolin's ex-girlfriend Minnie Driver (follow?) is threatening to go work in a Cambodian sweatshop. "I will be working alongside other young women for as long as it takes for me to raise awareness of the fair trade issue," Driver told The Evening Standard, a London newspaper. Driver hopes to make a documentary with a photographer friend or maybe write a book about the experience. She also hopes to learn how to sew tiny vinyl swooshes on to athletic shoes as fast as possible. It is unknown how long Driver plans to work in Cambodia, when she will begin or how long she will stay. Of course, this is all just a complicated ploy to win back the heart of Matt Damon.
SUNDAY, NOVEBER 2
Dude. Seriously. Sting is really getting pissed about this whole Iraq thing. The AP reports that Mr. Sumner has had enough and would now like the world to get its shit together and help reconstruct the war-ravaged nation once and for all. "It's too late to blame anybody. It's too late to complain," Sting said at a news conference promoting his latest album, Sacred Love. He then added that he "wasn't in favor of going into Iraq" and that the people who were are mainly jerks. The 52-year-old singer then demonstrated several Tantric love-making positions and announced that the he could maintain an orgasm for nine hours.