Stop the presses! B.AFF admits he sucks in the sack! (And not in the sexually permissible way, either.) In a recent interview, Ben Affleck stated that people would be "shocked" if they knew of his and J.LO's lackadaisical attempts at coitus. "You'd be bored by my sex life now," exclaimed the clearly lying B.AFF. "It lasts like 10 minutes. It's completely routine." Though we can see Ms. LO becoming disenchanted with Affleck's oily love snake, she can't be too happy with her hubby-to-be calling their love life "routine." But to tell the truth, we can see why 10 minutes with that sweaty meatloaf on top of us could seem like an eternity. Meanwhile! Just when you thought you'd never have to endure hearing the name "Vin Diesel" ever again, guess who's popped up in the news? And unsurprisingly, he's being taken to court. According to court documents, the retardedly named Diesel is being sued for 8 million dollars by a man who claims to have been bitten by the bald actor's dog--in the CROTCH. The suit alleges that when screenwriter Michael Kerner opened the door for Diesel and his 170 pound mastiff Roman, the pooch "lunged at Kerner for no reason and clamped down on his crotch." The documents go on to note that the incident left the writer with "deep lacerations, nerve damage, loss of physical sensation, psychological harm and mental distress." WaitasecondÉ "psychological harm" and "mental distress" are the same damn things! This guy's trying to milk Diesel out of his money! Now see here, Kerner! Take your lacerated crotch and leave our courtroom! CASE DISMISSED.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2
For those who think America breeds the best serial killers--move over, because here comes Germany! Yes, the country that gave us Adolph Hitler has done it again with computer expert Armin Meiwes, who has a serious hankering for human flesh--and plenty of volunteers. In open court, Meiwes confessed to killing and consuming Bernd Juergen Brandes inside his ancient manor house. After a childhood filled with fantasies of killing and eating a "younger brother" he posted an internet advertisement seeking a "young man for slaughter and consumption." Meiwes received over 400 responses to his solicitation by people who were more than ready to wind up in the killer's tummy. However 43-year-old Brandes was the lucky winner, and after the two met, Meiwes says Brandes undressed and said, "Now you can see my body. I hope you'll find me tasty." Meiwes then stabbed his victim, and in a Paris Hiltonesque maneuver videotaped it for the world to see. And while he couldn't finish eating the body in one sitting, the killer froze and buried the rest for later consumption. The attorney for the defense is claiming Meiwes is innocent because the victim asked to be killed and eaten, but even a German judge isn't stupid enough to fall for that one. Interestingly, Brandes was not Meiwes first choice. He claims at least five other respondents showed up at the house, but were dismissed for various reasons. These included a teacher who offered himself as a "devoted pig for slaughter" (too insecure), a man who got sick after being hoisted in the air on Meiwes' hanging torture device (too squeamish), and a man who wanted to be beheaded but "wasn't talkative enough" (besides, he was fat). In a related story, the hit TV show American Idol will be returning in January, and if he beats the rap, Meiwes hopes to be an occasional guest judge.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3
Today the Republican party came out swinging at Democratic presidential frontrunner Howard Dean. The former Vermont governor currently leads a pack of eight rivals, with a double-digit lead in the polls over Dean's closest competition, Sen. John Kerry. During a speech today in New Hampshire, Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie read Dean the riot act for accusing Bush of lacking the necessary cojones for defending the United States. Said Gillespie to the bloodthirsty crowd, "This is the same critic who earlier told Americans we should prepare for the day when the United States won't always have the strongest military.'" Naturally, the quote was taken out of context, for Dean actually said that America would lose their military superiority if it does not "begin to use diplomacy as part of our foreign policy." This of course is only the first shot in what will undoubtedly be an ugly battle for the presidency, so don't be surprised if you see a political ad comparing Howard Dean to German cannibal Armin Meiwes.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4
Are the police currently pounding on your door, waiting patiently for you to dump your cocaine down the toilet? Well, thanks to today's Supreme Court ruling you now have only 15-20 seconds to flush your stash. An alleged coke dealer charged Las Vegas coppers with unauthorized search and seizure when they busted down his door after he refused to answer their calls. The dealer claimed to be in the shower at the time. However, according to the court's ruling, any "prolonged delay" could lead to the easy destruction of drugs; hence the new 15-20 second ruling. However, the amount of time spent banging on your door could vary according to the crime. Says Justice David Souter, "Police seeking a stolen piano may be able to spend more time to make sure they really need the battering ram." We here at "One Day" agree with the wise Judge's ruling; the last time we tried to flush a stolen piano down the toilet, it took at least a minute and a half.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5
According to the newscientist.com news service, the oldest penis on record has been discovered on a 425 million-year-old fossil. The crustacean has been named Colymbosathon explectico, from the Greek for "astounding swimmer with a large penis." Its phallus is described by scientists as "long and stout." The previous holder of the oldest penis distinction was a 400 million-year-old daddy-long-legs discovered in Scotland. Before that, Milton Berle held the title for a brief period in the '60s. Do you think that YOUR penis is older, longer or stouter? Contact newscientist.com. A team of researchers will come to your home and study you.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6
The Associated Press reported today that thousands of people went postal at a stadium in Sierra Leone, when two local dwarf comedians were substituted for a popular traveling midget twosome. The midgets, Aki and Paw Paw, who are Nigerian, failed to show, and event organizers put the two dwarves on stage instead, hoping that no one would be the wiser. Audience members, who, unlike you, know the difference between a dwarf and a midget, began rioting, throwing things, damaging chairs, and breaking windows. The next morning parts of the stadium were splattered with blood and dozens were injured. No word from Aki and Paw Paw. But Gary Coleman has reportedly cancelled a planned humanitarian visit to the area.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7
The Bush administration thinks John Kerry should have his mouth washed out with soap, and then say he's sorry. In question? The F-word. Kerry, in an interview with Rolling Stone, opined about Bush and the situation in Iraq thusly, "Did I expect George Bush to fuck it up as badly as he did? I don't think anybody did." The use of the F-word sent the Bush people over the fucking edge. Chief of Staff Andrew Card went so fucking ape shit that he threatened to fuck up the Democratic motherfucker once and for all. During a CNN appearance on "Late Edition," Card said that the word was "so fucking beneath Kerry it wasn't even fucking funny." And that "a fucking apology might be in order." Kerry's people said that he has no regrets. And to fuck off.