MONDAY, DECEMBER 15

We have some very bad news. It seems that J.LOhas been stricken by the same flu that's sweeping America--which brings up a horrifying possibility; does this mean she's just like you and me? The virus, which we here at One Day central are calling the "Celebrity Flu" (it's so persistent even famous people get it), is knocking everyone and their sister on their ass, and can be identified by the following symptoms: aches, chills, throw-up, drippy bottom, and at least in Julia Roberts' case, acting like a snippy bitch [see last week's "One Day at a Time"]. Soon to be ex-boyfriend Ben "B.AFF" Affleck found time in his busy schedule of flying around the country promoting his new movie Paycheck to make fun of his bed-ridden g-friend. "What's the story with this flu?" B.AFF asked in a very Jerry Seinfeldian manner. "All of a sudden it kills everybody. When I get home I may have to start wearing a rubber mask and gloves! I'll take the SARS approach!" For those keeping score at home, this is the THIRD consecutive week B.AFF has publicly insulted his former fiancée--which means it's time for all you office pollsters to start wagering when J.LO is going to pull a Robert Blake. MEANWHILE! Talk about getting snubbed! Winona Ryder was on the receiving end of what could be the biggest diss of 2003. High powered Hollywood lawyer Mark Geragos, who represented Ms. Ryder earlier this year in the high-profile shoplifting case we called "Winonagate," has publicly pooh-poohed the aging pixie by leaving her OFF his annual Christmas party invite list. Not such a big deal? Well, look at the other clients he invited: rapper Nate Dogg, murder suspect Scott Peterson, and even alleged chickenhawk Michael Jackson! Now we're sorry, but snubbing a shoplifter instead of a suspected pedophile? It looks like Winona and Saddam Hussein will be celebrating Christmas alone this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16

Hey, did you hear that Saddam is getting his own Christmas special? He's calling it, "Hole for the Holidays." Ba-dum-DUM! Thank you! Thank you! Drive home safely and don't forget to tip your waitress. MEANWHILE! Speaking of clearing out your spider-hole, are you tired of repetitive unwanted pregnancies? Then rejoice! Because the Food and Drug Administration agrees that emergency contraception--aka the morning-after pill--should be sold over-the-counter right alongside anti-itch cream and those creepy rubber enema bags. Sold under the creative name Plan B, this emergency contraception pill could cut in half the 3 million unintended pregnancies in America each year. Although we were only responsible for two of those 3 million, we agree with the American College of Gynecologists who say it could also prevent hundreds of thousands of abortions--which should make anti-abortion activists happy, right? WellÉ it doesn't. "Women who use emergency contraception show an inability to control themselves in sexual situations," said Jennifer Taylor of the anti-abortion Human Life International. However, our hubby Kip, a 30-year-old orthodontist, disagrees. "Ann has never used an emergency contraception pill in her life, and she's far from able to control herself in sexual situations. Thank God." You bet your ass, tiger.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17

Speaking of having fun with hubby Kip, we were both extremely excited for the opening day of the new Lord of the Rings movie; we like to drive by the movie theater and heckle all the nerds standing in line. The third installment of the trilogy, entitled The Return of the King, presumably tells the continuing story of a bunch of dwarves running around the forest and fighting a lot. We haven't seen any of the movies, and refuse to read the books, so we really couldn't say what actually happens. All we know for sure is that the fashion in these films is abysmal, and for that reason the series appeals to nerds. One group of nerds who really seemed to have enjoyed it was the New York Film Critics Circle who awarded it their "Best Film of the Year." But even these nerds can't out-nerd the nerdiness of über-nerd Michael Brown--a 22-year-old student at Johns Hopkins, who has been waiting in line to see the latest installment since 10:45 am MONDAY. "I spent 10 hours waiting for The Two Towers to open, and about the same for one of the Harry Potter movies," explained the shameless nerd. Crazy? Not if you put it into perspective. If you've been waiting 22 years to find a girlfriend, 10 hours isn't such a long time.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18

Ordinarily, one uses the words "witch hunt" to denote a scapegoat, or if someone is unfairly charged with a crime. But what if the person actually looks like a witch? Today in Santa Barbara County, California, Michael Jackson was formally charged with seven felony counts of molesting a child. And while the officials were at it, they also charged him with two felony counts of plying the same kid with an "intoxicating agent" which they believed to be wine. If convicted, Jackson could be looking at 24 years in the pokey, and if allegations of "substantial sexual contact" with the child are proven, then he could serve the entire stretch without possibility of parole. Jackson's camp continues to completely deny all charges. The arraignment is set for January 16, and according to gossip insiders, it will undoubtedly be THE trial of 2004, making Winona Ryder's "Winonagate" look like a big pile of poop. (Although that's no reason not to invite her to your Christmas party!)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19

The Associated Press reported today that Joe Lieberman has warned that Howard Dean is a "divisive force" within the Democratic Party. "I don't want to replace one divisive leader with another divisive leader," Lieberman said. Lieberman then urged the public to choose an uncontroversial, moderate, milquetoast candidate who would prove to be indecisive by embracing all policies. Someone who could be pro-war and anti-war, pro-choice and pro-life, pro-big business and pro-government, for instance. Lieberman added that as proof of his own lack of divisiveness, he would reconsider the whole Jesus thing if elected.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20

Southerners were shocked to learn today that Miss Savannah has allegedly gut-shot a man in cold blood. According to CNN, the shooting occurred after Miss Savannah was allegedly wronged by her no-good boyfriend who was allegedly stepping out on her with another woman who was NOT EVEN a beauty queen. Miss Savannah fired the gun (she claims she was NOT aiming at the no-good boyfriend, but rather making a strong point) and hit the no-good boyfriend in the stomach. She is very, very upset about the whole experience and is still very, very much in favor of world peace. Miss Savannah did not comment on how she came to be in possession of the weapon at the time of the dispute, although her pageant talent was sharp shooting from a sniper position. Several pageant audience members were unfortunately dispatched during the demonstration, including 11 children.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge let America open our Christmas present early this year, when he couldn't help but spill the beans about raising the terrorism threat to high. Officials had hoped to save the news until Christmas morning, and then announce it with great fanfare in front of the White House Christmas tree--but Secretary Ridge was overcome with holiday cheer. Some spoilers had hinted earlier in the week that the new terror alert level might be in the works (they shook the box and it just felt like orange), but no one expected Ridge to show his cards so soon. Holiday travelers were especially pleased at the news as this means that airport security will be extra-Orwellian, and who doesn't like a frisky strip search when you have a belly full of Valium and nog?