Celebrity dumping and hooking up was at an all-time high this week, starting with the high-wattage split of leggy Uma Thurman and snaggle-toothy Ethan Hawke. Yes, the two made it official this week, and confirmed to the press that they will indeed be getting a divorce. But just in case you were thinking their trouble began with Ethan's alleged out-of-wedlock canoodling with a Canadian model, you've got another think coming! "Uma and I were having troubles long before the press got a hold of us," Ethan told Details magazine. He then went on to weirdly compare his extra-marital shenanigans to those of much more famous world leaders. "Martin Luther King Jr. suffered from infidelity, so did John F. Kennedy," Hawke rationalized. "You're more likely to find great leadership coming from a man who likes to have sex with a lot of women than one who's monogamous." Ohhhhh... so that's President Bush's problem... Meanwhile! Guess who's been getting busy with dainty dish Natalie Portman? Why, no other than the hearthrobby star of Y Tu Mama Tambien, Gael Bernal. The two were spotted sharing lovey-dovey appetizers at the trendy Real Greek restaurant in London. "Natalie and Gael were very intimate," said a nosy onlooker. "Touching each other and kissing in full view of everyone." And here we thought the Real Greek didn't have any "tongue" on the menu... Meanwhile! Some good news and bad news for bad boy Josh Hartnett. It seems this finely cut side of beef has been unceremoniously dumped by childhood sweetheart Ellen Fenster. No news yet on why the split occurred, but the way we see it, her loss is the carnivore's gain. (And you know how much we like our man meat with a side of gravy. Me-OW!)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24
Shocking news from Capitol Hill! President Bush is against same-sex marriage. So much so, in fact, he's ready to approve a constitutional amendment that would ban gay weddings entirely (however, if drunk high schoolers still want to kill gay teens, that's okay). Who to blame? How about those consarn "activist judges" who Bush claims "attempt to redefine marriage." In case you didn't know, an "activist judge" is any magistrate who happens to disagree with the Republican Party. Bush then went on to warn that same-sex marriages would (and we swear to god this is a true quote) "change the most fundamental institution of civilization." Now... with all due respect, we may have to disagree with the President at this juncture. Though they may have taught something different in the public schools attended by President Bush, we think most will agree that the "most fundamental institution of civilization" is still Mademoiselle. Are we wrong?
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25
Hey, trendspotters! In case you didn't know, as of today, "whipping the skin off Jesus Christ" is IN, IN, IN! Hollywood hunk turned fanatical wacko Mel Gibson debuted his Passion of the Christ today, and while common sense might guess that Christians would be turned off by a film that spends two hours sadistically ripping the epidermis off their savior--as it turned out, THEY LOVE IT! For them, Passion of the Christ is the "hurts so good" film of the year! Do we smell Oscar? Or is that just the maggots crawling out of the eyeballs of a dead donkey prominently featured in Mel's movie? Who knows, and who cares! The important thing is that the creepiest aspects of Christianity are finally back in vogue, and any movie critics who dares to pan Mel's magnum opus will quickly find themselves on the train to Damnation Town. After SO FALSELY being accused of anti-Semitism by a number of New York Jew critics, Mel rightly shot back, "I'm subjected to religious persecution as an artist, as an American, and as a man. I forgive them all." Just as quickly, however, Mel turned "old testament" on the asses of those evil critics. "But enough is enough. We will always have demented bigots around. They're trying to make me into some kind of wacko. All I do is go pray. For myself. For the whole world. That's what I do." Omigod... Mel is so much like Jesus Christ, isn't he? The only difference is while Jesus was mercilessly beaten and murdered by an angry throng, Mel gets to go home to his mansion and count his money. But, let's not forget; bad reviews, like spikes through the palm, can sometimes sting.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26
President Bush's attempt to rewrite the constitution on Tuesday has led to unexpected wedding bells for Rosie O'Donnell and lesbian gal-pal Kelli Carpenter. After learning of the President's call to push through a discrimination law against gays and lesbians, the former talk show host and her sweetie said their "I do's" at San Francisco's City Hall--which has recently turned into the West Coast Las Vegas for quickie same-sex marriages. "We, too, have a dream of equality for all families," said O'Donnell. "The only way changes are made in society is when people like [San Francisco] Mayor Gavin Newsom have the courage to stand up against injustice." We here at One Day congratulate the new Mrs. O'Donnell-Carpenter, and wish the couple nothing but happiness. That being said, if same-sex couples demand equal rights to marriage, they will also receive an equal amount of catty remarks from fashion-watchers such as ourselves. For example... Rosie, honey! Nobody gets married in a violet dustcoat unless they're an Easter egg! And those flats you were wearing? HORROR.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Is John Kerry "a proud war hero or angry anti-war protester?" This question, recently poised by the National Review Online, has been hot, hot, hot party conversation at political events this week. Since it is impossible to be both a "proud war hero" and an "angry anti-war protester," how you fall on the issue may say a lot about how you perceive events. Is it a vase or two people kissing? The distinction has so permeated consciousness that children playing pick-up basketball in a Chicago slum yesterday had rejected the standard "shirts and skins" teams, and were instead playing "proud war heroes" against "angry anti-war protesters." (By the by, angry anti-war protesters won 10-7.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Today President Bush dramatically increased the pressure on himself to resign as president. He noted that the country's crisis is largely of his own making and added that his actions have called into question his fitness to continue to govern. He said he did not want to appear as if he were pushing an elected leader out of office, but that if he were allowed to remain in power "it would not be pretty." President Bush later issued a statement clarifying his earlier statements. What he meant to say was that Jean-Bertrand Aristide of Haiti should resign. He regretted any confusion.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 29
All we can say is "Thank God for TiVo." Tonight America trudged through one of the most predictably tedious Academy Award ceremonies in years. The results are (yawwwnn) as follows: Best Picture--Lord of the Rings. Best director--Peter Jackson for Lord of the Rings. Best adapted screenplay--Lord of the Rings. Best editing--Lord of the Rings. Best costumes--Lord of the Rings. Best makeup--Lord of the Rings. Best sound--Lord of the Rings. Best visual effects--Lord of the Rings. Best reason to suspect the Academy has been taken over by nerds--Lord of the Rings. Best reason to consider killing yourself after sitting through an insufferably long three-hour movie--Lord of the Rings. Best adaptation from a stupid fairy-tale (other than Passion of the Christ)--Lord of the Rings. Best movie that did not star Renee Zellweger--Lord of the Rings. Best movie that failed to mention how fat Renee Zellweger looked in her Oscar dress--Lord of the Rings. Best movie that was only marginally more interesting than the Academy Awards--Lord of the Rings.