There's nothing we love better than a teen diva catfight--Hollywood-style! According to the NY Daily News, the latest pubescent pop tarts to bear their claws in the public forum belong to angsty "hard" rocker Avril Lavigne and soft 'n' fluffy creampuff Hilary Duff. And just when you were breathing a sigh of relief over the reconciliation between Duff and former archenemy Lindsay Lohan, Hilary had the nerve to accuse Avril of ignoring her fans. Well! This is one Canadian refugee who wasn't about to let such a stinging slight slide. "Who the hell cares what she has to say about my fans?" scoffed Avril, punctuating her statement with a blistering, "WhatEVER!" She went on to severely damage Duff's integrity stating, "Hilary Duff's such a goody-goody, such a mommy's girl," before adding sarcastically, "but I'm sure she's really nice and really sweet." Oooooohhh! Ka-ZING! It's your move Hilary Duff! Tear that bitch a new asshole! (In a sweet way, of course.) Meanwhile... You know your Republican presidential campaign is in trouble when Mel Gibson turns against you. In a story from World Entertainment News, the very Republican director of The Passion of the Christ went on record to deliver a major diss to President Bush, claiming he now has "doubts" about his ability to lead. "It's all to do with these weapons of mass destruction that we can't seem to find," said Gibson (aka the GOP Judas), adding "why did we go over there to Iraq?" OUCH. When the director of a movie where Christ gets his entire epidermis ripped from his body thinks you've gone too far... well, it's not a good sign.
TUESDAY, MARCH 16
And speaking of people who have a "passion for the Christ," it was reported today that a man in Hartland, Maine was taken to the hospital after unsuccessfully trying to nail himself to a cross. In an apparent suicide attempt in his living room, the 23-year-old unnamed man appeared delusional to local cops, and told them he had been "seeing pictures of God on the computer." According to police, the man had taken two pieces of wood, and nailed them together to resemble a cross. He then attached a suicide note, and proceeded to "nail one of his hands to the wood using a 14-penny nail and a hammer." Lt. Pierre Boucher noted that "when [the man] realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911." Bwaaa-Bwaaa-Bwaaaaaaaaaaah! Both crucifix and victim are resting comfortably at Sebasticook Valley Hospital. Reached for comment, Jesus Christ had the following advice about do-it-yourself crucifixion: "Sure, this story's pretty funny... but it also proves an important point. If you want a job done right, call the Jews."
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17
Let's imagine for a moment you're in trouble with the law (which many of you probably are), and this close to being sent to prison. Do you a) remain on your bestest behavior, or b) blurt out jokes in the middle of court, seriously injure an audience member at one of your concerts, and flash your tits at David Letterman--all in a three day period? Well, if you're Courtney Love, then the answer is most definitely b). Courtney bared more than her soul this week, especially on the Late Show with David Letterman, who was repeatedly exposed to the unwanted image of Love's bare bosoms. (Okay, in this case, we'll say thanks to the FCC and their mandatory five-second delay.) Mere hours later, Courtney was onstage again, performing an impromptu gig at NYC rock club Plaid, where she threw a microphone stand into the audience, seriously wounding a bystander. "It was pretty bloody," said a Plaid spokesman, who added the victim was "very insistent on pressing charges." After the show, Courtney was charged with reckless endangerment. And speaking of reckless behavior, at her trial for possession of narcotics on Tuesday, Courtney showed up two hours late and repeatedly interrupted the judge. At one point when Love lawyer Michael Rosenstein complained he had not received drug samples for testing purposes, Courtney blurted out, "I have the pill bottles on me," and then paraphrasing Donald Trump turned to her lawyer and said, "You're fired." Judge Eldon Fox was quick to scold Love, saying, "Miss Love, you're not doing yourself any favors." Pausing for a moment to consider the judge's advice, she turned back to her lawyer and said sheepishly, "Rehired."
THURSDAY, MARCH 18
According to official reports, ousted dictator Saddam Hussein has not only been holding up well in captivity, he's making his interrogators look like assholes. In interviews conducted by the CIA, Hussein has reportedly given little to no pertinent information that could substantiate President Bush's claims of weapons of mass destruction hidden in Iraq. On the bright side, Hussein seems to be having a great time. "He's turned out to be a pretty wily guy who seems to be enjoying the give-and-take with his interlocutors," says U.S. Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage. "He sure thinks he's smarter than everyone else, that's for sure." When pressed for further details on exactly how Hussein was "outsmarting" interrogators, Armitage was unable to offer a clear explanation. "It's hard to describe," Armitage said, "but for example, we'll ask Hussein about hidden caches of weapons, and he'll say something like 'Homosaywhat?' and when we ask him what he said, he just laughs. Frankly, it's very confounding."
FRIDAY, MARCH 19
President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland has announced that he feels "misled" by the Bush administration's intelligence about the weapons of mass destruction that have yet to surface in Iraq. Now, he's not saying that he won't go along with The Plan. In fact, Kwasniewski pledged this week to keep Poland's 2,500 troops in Iraq for the time being. He also offered to round up all the Jews in Warsaw. Since there are only four, it didn't take very long. President Bush, who was surprised there was a "real Poland," since he only knows of the country "from the jokes," immediately ordered Poland to screw in a light bulb so he could see how many of them it took.
SATURDAY, MARCH 20
The New York Times reported today that zoo officials are no closer to determining why a 340-pound gorilla escaped its Dallas zoo pen and injured four people before getting shot to death. There is some speculation that the gorilla was having trouble at home back in the western lowlands, and following a lost appeal connected to a methamphetimine bust, he may have escaped in an effort to win back his on-again off-again girlfriend who had recently become pregnant by a neighboring ape. Or perhaps he was just trying to make the three o'clock showing of Born Free at the local multiplex.
SUNDAY, MARCH 21
First nail files and pocket multi-tools... now they won't even let us carry severed seal heads on planes anymore. A biology professor who was transporting the head of a harbor seal (and why not?) was stopped by airport security agents in Boston who were totally grossed out to discover the head tucked in amongst his dirty underwear. It turns out that it is, in fact, illegal to "disrupt or remove body parts from a dead mammal" or to transport any fish or wildlife products. As with all things, this can be worked around if one has a permit, but the professor neglected to pursue one. He claims that he found the seal already dead on the beach and that he removed the head and absconded with it "for educational purposes." Curiously enough, the harbor seal had recently applied for a restraining order against the professor. It was denied.