MONDAY, JUNE 14

Teen queen Lindsay Lohan is in more trouble--of the "retarded" kind! As reported last week in One Day at a Time, the 17-year-old busty star of Mean Girls and the mortal enemy of Hilary Duff was quoted calling a recent run-in with the paparazzi "retarded." However, this is not the first time Lindsay has thrown around the word "retarded," as she has also called reports of her alleged breast implants "retarded," as well as saying the stories surrounding her on-going feud with Hilary Duff are "retarded." There are probably many other instances of her using the word "retarded," but they have not been reported by the press (who Lindsay has often referred to as "retarded"). Well, apparently Lindsay has uttered the word "retarded" one time too many, because the president of mental health organization ARC, Lorriane Sheehan, is looking to retard her efforts. "There are few more deeply wounding words than these," said the poetic Sheehan in reference to Lindsay's use of the word "retarded." She then went on to say, "[Words like 'retarded' are] painful reminders that people with disabilities are still not fully welcome in our society." Lohan's spokesperson jumped to Lindsay's defense, claiming her client had no intention of upsetting the mentally ill, saying, "It wasn't meant to offend--it was used as slang. She'll be more cautious and conscious in the future." And with that, the coarse, insensitive language of Ms. Lohan has been retarded.

TUESDAY, JUNE 15

With all the Hollywood hullabaloo surrounding the quickie marriage of J.LO, has anyone stopped to consider the feelings of former paramour and fiancée, Ben Affleck? Even Ben is entitled to feelings of remorse. Especially when that big-bootied ho-bag ran off and married Spanish soap wash-up Marc Anthony a mere five months after their break-up! According to In Touch weekly, Ben was devastated after hearing the news of J.LO's quicky matrimonial move. Says a trusted inside source, "At first, Ben was shocked, sort of bowled over, like he'd been run over by a truck. He couldn't believe it--only five months after the split. It's like rubbing salt into the wound." OH. He thinks that's bad? Wait until he learns that, according to rumors, J.LO is already pregnant with a little Marc Anthony on the way! That's like... like... rubbing semen into the vagina!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16

We hate to say "we told you so," but... actually, we love saying "we told you so." According to the independent commission investigating the 9/11 attacks, President Bush's repeated assertions that al-Qaida had strong links to Saddam Hussein were full of crap. The report released today stated there was "no credible evidence" that Iraq was linked to the attacks of September 11. In response to the report's conclusions--which we could have told them two years ago, had they only asked us--Bush came out with perhaps his best defense yet for why he attacked Iraq. Said the President, "The reason I keep insisting that there was a relationship between Iraq and Saddam and al-Qaida is because there was a relationship between Iraq and al-Qaida." This line of reasoning sounds strangely similar to the line our mother used when we asked if we could go to the Frankie Goes to Hollywood concert unsupervised: "You can't go because I said YOU CAN'T GO." The bad news for Bush? You can't impeach mothers.

THURSDAY, JUNE 17

According to a shocking report in today's New York Post, spiraling pop star Britney Spears has fallen victim to the "Florence Nightingale syndrome" and is stupidly intending to marry her current wet-nurse Kevin Federline. After undergoing arthroscopic surgery for a bum knee, the ailing Britney has been waited on hand and foot by her current beau (who has already fathered one child with another on the way via the belly of former Moesha co-star Shar Jackson). However, it's rumored that Federline has taken advantage of Spears' convalescence and asked her to marry him--a proposal she is said to have accepted. The two have already moved into her Beverly Hills mansion, where they will probably stay until Britney has recovered enough to hobble down the aisle. According to music industry insiders, however, the quickie marriage is less of a problem than the specter of a bloated Spears. Jive records is said to be concerned over the possibility of Britney putting on pounds while waiting for her knee to heal. "She is a big girl anyway," said one record industry executive. "She is prone to gaining weight and likes her junk food. Being on tour with all of the dancing was keeping a lot of the weight off, but now that she's going to be on crutches for awhile, people are worried she will balloon up." While we are not used to rushing to the defense of Britney Spears, on behalf of the ailing songstress, we wish this unnamed record exec would die at his earliest possible convenience.

FRIDAY, JUNE 18

According to today's New York Times, panda porn is hot, hot, HOT. Sassy giant panda Hua Mei left her over-protective home in San Diego and flew to a swanky wildlife retreat in China to get herself knocked up. Chinese vets, concerned that San Diego did not offer a lot of panda on panda action sex ed, immediately showed her videotapes of hot panda sex. Then they sent her on a series of blind dates. To their delight, Hua Mei not only picked up the basics of humping, she faked orgasms like a pro. She is due to give birth in September. In the meantime, word is she's starring in her own series of mailorder erotica.

SATURDAY, JUNE 19

Sure, everyone feels bad for all those civilian contractors getting blown up, shot or beheaded in Iraq. But does anyone think about the financial impact of this carnage on the companies for which they work? We are speaking, of course, of the skyrocketing costs of insurance. The Associated Press reports that Vulcan AMPS, LLC, a mobile power plant maker, has seen their insurance bill in Iraq jump from $5,600 a month per worker to about $14,500. And what of government costs? Contractors are required by federal law to take out some death, disability, and medical insure for workers assigned overseas, and reimburses insurers if a worker is murdered on the internet. Mounting internet murders in Iraq threaten to cost the federal government far more than the $1 million to $2 million it usually pays out per year. Who foots that bill? Let's just say that some poor people aren't going to get those kidneys they've been asking for. Meanwhile, many contractors have been forced to take out even more insurance than is required as a way to attract and reassure workers who read newspapers. What's the solution? Certainly not pulling out of Iraq. That would be hard. It's simple: stop paying death benefits to the bereaved. Just explain to them that it's too darn expensive. They'll understand. They get paid to be on The Today Show, right?

SUNDAY, JUNE 20

The airports were "just over the hill" from one another, so it's not so remarkable that a Northwest Airlines flight that was supposed to land in Rapid City, S.D., might accidentally land a few miles off course at Ellsworth Air Force Base. Airports all look the same from the air, right? The mistake was quickly realized (hey, what's that stealth bomber doing at the Delta gate? Why do those soldiers look so angry?), the passengers were told to close their window shades and for-the-love-of-Christ DO NOT LOOK OUT. The crew was taken off the plane and interrogated for three hours, while the passengers passed the time making cell phone calls to local newspapers. Finally, the captain and the first officer were replaced by a different crew, who said they knew where the right airport was, and the plane was sent on its way. In a more surprising development, one passenger on board did report getting an extra bag of peanuts.