MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 6

It's time for another heapin' helpin' of gossipy vittles, served up by One Day at a Time, Hollyweird's gabbiest tattletale! And just when you thought people had stopped giving a crap about J.LO, the former Latina fireball has burst back into the gossip rags this week. It seems that Our Lady of the Large Buttocks has given the old heave-ho to her longtime makeup artist Scott Barnes--but as they say, beware the fury of a makeup artist scorned! According to the Lopez camp, Barnes was given the pink slip for his loose-lipped reputation around tabloid reporters. But in an interview with Us Weekly, Barnes says the real reason is because the wealthy LO refused to pay for the costly facial spackling he performed on Jennifer in advance of her surprise June 5 wedding. He's since made the solemn and kind-of-creepy vow that "he wasn't through with Jennifer yet." As reported in the New York Post, Barnes is threatening to unleash his tongue (via the press or perhaps a tell-all book) if LO doesn't cease denigrating his sparkling reputation. And "He knows everything," said a snoopy spy. "He knows all about Jennifer and her faith healer [Merle Gonzalez]. After Ben [Affleck] left Jennifer, Merle went in to expel bad auras and cleanse her house. Merle also blessed the Shall We Dance set and some people say Jennifer has had Merle put hexes on people she feels have done her wrong." Ohhhh! So that's how Ben Affleck got so fat!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7

Congratulations go out to former president Bill Clinton who successfully completed a quadruple heart bypass surgery and is expected to make a full recovery. The operation was performed at New York Presbyterian Hospital by hot surgeon Dr. Craig R. Smith, who said Clinton's artery blockage was "well over 90 percent." Happily, the McDonalds Bacon Double Cheeseburger that blocked the artery has been removed, and now both burger and former head of state are resting comfortably. Meanwhile... The Bush Administration and in particular Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld celebrated the 1,000th American casualty today in the protracted war against Iraq. Celebrity spokesperson Ed McMahon brought the news directly to Rumsfeld's doorstep today bearing balloons and a list of the 1,000 American soldiers who have perished (800 of who died after President Bush declared on May 1 that the mission was "accomplished"). A teary Rumsfeld told reporters, "Well, our enemies have underestimated our country, our coalition. They have failed to understand the character of our people. And they have certainly misread our commander in chief." So have we all, Mr. Rumsfeld. So have we all. Happy 1,000th Casualty, you old Bush Administration! And if the Iraqi death count is any indication, you'll probably have 10,000 more.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

We don't like Kirsten Dunst. And that's why you rarely read about her in One Day at a Time--because we don't like her. It's not so much her lack of acting ability as it is her facial features, which most closely resemble a botched buckwheat pancake. That moon face, pointy chin, oily complexion, and unattractive overbite? Ugh. When we think of all the plastic surgery money that could have been diverted from Britney Spears' chest to Kirsten Dunst's face? Sigh. It just gives one pause, that's all. Regardless, while we've been more than happy to ignore her unremarkable career within these hallowed pages, we feel it is our solemn duty as gossip mongers to relate the most disgusting news of the day to you, our beloved reader. Bearing that in mind, dig this: Kirsten Dunst is reportedly dating supa-dupa hottie Josh Hartnett! Mere weeks after dumping the absolutely adorable Jake Gyllenhaal, Britain's The Daily Sport reports that Kirsten and Josh were caught in advanced stages of canoodling at West Hollywood's trendy Fenix club. "They were necking, it was very hot," said an inconceivably un-disgusted onlooker. "He was whispering in her ear and kissing her neck most of the night." EWWWW! Omigod. Josh Hartnett kissing Kirsten Dunst's neck is like Tom Cruise licking an uncooked sausage. (And that's not a gay joke, by the way--it merely serves as a vehicle to illustrate that Josh Hartnett now has a serious case of the cooties.) Oh, god. Now we're really getting ill. Let's just pretend it never happened, okay?

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

Actually, it's been a very slow news week--as evidenced by that disgusting Josh Hartnett/Kirsten Dunst neck-kissing story, and the following: "Trailer Park Resident Gets 6 Months for Swinging Alligator at Girlfriend!" As if Florida hasn't had enough problems with Frances and Ivan, now we can add redneck David Havenner to the mix. It seems the Port Orange resident became so infuriated with his girlfriend, Nancy Monico, that he allegedly beat her with his fists, and then grabbed the live alligator he kept in his tub and swung it at her as she tried to escape. Monico was hit by the gator at least once, after which Havenner threw beer bottles at her and then kicked her out of their trailer. Havenner claims that Monico was the one who started the altercation after she bit him on the hand because he had neglected to purchase enough alcohol. In court today, Havenner pleaded no contest to misdemeanor charges of battery and the illegal possession of an alligator. As for the alligator himself, he has been released into the St. Johns River, where the poor thing is undoubtedly recovering from some sort of redneck post-traumatic stress disorder.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

Necrophiliacs began streaming out of California today after Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill barring necrophilia in that state. The new law makes sex with a corpse a felony punishable by up to eight years in prison. Some readers may wonder why it took California so long to take a stand against humping the dead. Experts attribute the delay to a strong Deadhead lobby, which feared that the bill's language might impact their ability to fellate Bob Weir. The group has become less fierce in their opposition to the bill as Mr. Weir has aged.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

In a story sure to warm the hearts of waiters everywhere, The New York Times reported today that a Big Jerk from NYC was arrested last week after his party of nine failed to leave an 18 percent tip, which had been added to his bill as was required by the restaurant for parties of six or more people. The Big Jerk was on vacation upstate when he decided to dine at Soprano's Italian and American Grill, where he and his friends ate pizza and were reportedly "very rude." He was arrested at a nearby store, fingerprinted, and photographed. He faces a misdemeanor charge of theft of services, and if convicted, could be sent up the river for up to a year. If there is any justice, he will instead be sentenced to wait tables at an Applebee's every Saturday night until he suffers a mental collapse or sees the errors of his ways--whichever comes first.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

It turns out that the large cloud that appeared over North Korea in satellite images several days ago was NOT a nuclear mushroom cloud as had been previously suspected. U.S. officials are pretty sure that there is a perfectly good explanation for the cloud--said to be over two miles wide--and are urging everyone to go back to what they were doing. The fact that the explosion coincided with the anniversary of North Korea's founding on September 9, when various military activities are staged, is a total coincidence. And there is certainly no correlation between the explosion and The New York Times reports that U.S. President George W. Bush and his top advisers recently received intelligence reports that could indicate that North Korea is preparing its first nuclear test. On a related topic, recent studies indicate that there is also no correlation between smoke and fire.