In the world of celebrity "burns," the best comeback of the weekend has to go to the Daily Show's Jon Stewart, who called conservative CNN screed Tucker Carlson "a dick" on national TV. The burn took place on Friday's edition of Crossfire--which is basically a platform for screechy Republicans to complain about the liberal pussies of the world. A longtime critic of the show, Stewart took the opportunity to tell the Crossfire hosts exactly how he felt, accusing them of "partisan hackery" and suggesting Carlson should give journalism school a try. When Carlson admonished Stewart for not "being funny," the Daily Show host shot back, "I'm not going to be your monkey." Carlson then noted that Stewart was much more fun on his own show, to which Stewart replied, "I think you're as much of a dick on your show as on any other." BURN! Sa-NAP! In your FACE, bowtie boy! Meanwhile... In other media news, Fox News jerkoff Bill O'Reilly continues to sink deeper into his sexual harassment pit. As reported last week in One Day, O'Reilly stands accused of making sexually gross phone calls to Fox assistant producer Andrea Mackris, who claims the buffoonish host of The O'Reilly Factor repeatedly pestered her about having three-way phone sex with another woman, boasted of the "amazing" girth of his penis, advised her to buy a vibrator, and allegedly masturbated during the conversation. Today, Mackris filed an additional complaint saying she was unfairly removed from her job for reporting the harassment to her bosses. O'Reilly was unavailable for comment, as he was unable to leave his house today because his penis is too big to fit through the door.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19
Somebody must have slapped a testosterone patch (See Thursday, October 21) on Hollywood today, because Tinsel Town's hotty-totties are horny and rarin' to go! Self-proclaimed dirrrrty girl Christina Aguilera shot her mouth off to Britain's News of the World today, confessing her naughty fantasies of inviting male fans backstage after a show for a ride on the canoodle-train. "I've often spotted guys in the in crowd and thought, 'Wow, I like the look of you,'" the pop tart purred. "You do fantasize about inviting them backstage after the show." But don't worry gals! X-tina also admits to being an equal-opportunity horn-dog who digs it girly-style. "I must admit the idea of two women getting it on does it for me as well," she cooed. "Women are beautiful creatures and the sight of them kissing or caressing each other is horny." Actually, she probably means that the sight of girls kissing and caressing each other makes her feel horny--but who are we to bicker about lesbian semantics? Meanwhile... Fish-lipped actress Angelina Jolie--recently voted the "Sexiest Woman Alive" by Esquire Magazine--also offered up an excess of personal info this week, noting to Allure that she's into the idea of "S&M," saying, "I've never been tied up... I have a feeling the person that does it will be The One." And for all you salivating Internet geeks out there, she undoubtedly means The One... who will eventually be issued a restraining order.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 20
Anyone in America who has even the slightest regard for their own self-protection steered clear of Boston tonight when the Red Sox defeated the Yankees 10 to 3, and claimed the American League pennant. Boston, widely regarded as a town of violent drunkards, reacted as planned by going "ape-shit." On Saturday, the Red Sox will face their long-time nemesis, the St. Louis Cardinals, hoping for their first World Series win since 1918. Long-time fans call this sorry state of affairs "The Curse," which dates back to 1920 when Sox management traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees--however, scientists have since disproved this theory, definitively stating this particular "curse" is nothing more than a stubborn case of gonorrhea.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21
According to gynecologists in Seattle, WA, women are having four times as much sex, while reporting more arousal, pleasure, orgasms, and a better self-image to boot (YAY!)--that is, if they're wearing a testosterone patch (BOOOO!). In another attempt by the pharmaceutical companies to convince the world that women are a bunch of sexually stunted icebergs who must perform with the same continual veracity of a jackrabbit in heat or face the eternal shame of spinster-dom, doctors reported today that the testosterone patch is a smashing success. Test-driven on women who have gone through menopause and complained of a low sex drive, gynecologist Robin Kroll said of it, "We found an increase in activity, an increase in desire and a decrease in distress." The research (bought and paid for by Procter & Gamble Pharmaceuticals, by the way) claimed the side effects were mild--mostly excess facial hair, which can be taken care of with any number of Procter & Gamble bleaching products.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22
The sad, sexy, almost entirely true tale of the Two Beverlys: A woman named Beverly Mitchell came home from a Greek holiday to find a stranger named Beverly Valentine living in her home and wearing her clothes. The two Beverlys immediately had hot lesbian sex. Then Beverly Mitchell noticed that Beverly Valentine had redecorated the ranch home, ripping up some carpet and installing a new washer and dryer. Beverly Valentine even had the electricity switched over to her name. This made Beverly Mitchell mad--what was wrong with her carpet, anyway? It was perfectly nice medium shag. So she called the police and reported her intruder. A sheriff showed up and the two Beverlys fellated him. Then he found a gun and $23,000 worth of Beverly Mitchell's jewelry in Beverly Valentine's car and arrested her for burglary. Beverly Mitchell, meanwhile, is enjoying her new washer and dryer.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23
Alexis Stewart reports that her mother Martha has been taking walks, reading, and making friends in prison. She has one roommate, but has NOT, to the best of Alexis' knowledge, engaged in hot lesbian sex with her. Alexis told Larry King that she enjoys playing Scrabble with her mother when she visits her in the big house. "She was having a lot of fun playing Scrabble until I started beating her," she said. "Now she decided she doesn't want to play." (Naturally. She can't afford to lose the cigarettes, especially if she wants to keep getting out of laundry room duty.)
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24
In a powerful blow to all men everywhere, a plane belonging to a successful NASCAR stock car racing team crashed today in Virginia. All 10 people on board were killed. As grief grips the NASCAR dad community, the most pressing concern on America's mind is, how will this affect the outcome of the election? Complicating matters are the security moms, many of whom are married to NASCAR dads and now fear that their families and coworkers might die fiery deaths in private plane crashes. Surprisingly, the soccer moms seemed genuinely unconcerned, but were excited to be included in a poll.